Don't let people tell you no. How do you learn to say no? Psychology of communication with people

How to learn to say no to people, after the total dominance of techniques aimed at pleasing others, becoming softer and more compliant, is gaining tremendous popularity. Refusing a request, whether it is the easiest or the most difficult and undesirable for many people turns out to be impossible, and they agree. Often, such violations of self-interests occur, justified by warm feelings and expensive connections with the one who asks to perform some service, may be motivated by their own insecurity or the desire to be servile to earn a good reputation or the location of a certain person. But they do not lead to anything other than the loss of their own time and resources.

How to learn to say no and feel comfortable doing it

To understand how to learn to say no, psychology suggests first dealing with the causes of the difficulties that have arisen. Relying on the reasons expressed by many about the fear of offending or upsetting a neighbor, one can identify the most common reason - this is the fear of rejecting people who are ranked in the family circle. Certain moral codes, upbringing in the spirit of mutual assistance, and also rather harsh (sometimes relatives) - these reasons can hamper your defense of your own interests and space, so as not to seem rude, ungrateful, or to avoid ignoring and stopping communication with someone from the family. What these have in common is the loss of family ties (their presence or quality).

The next reason is the fear of losing existing or promising opportunities. This is most clearly illustrated in working moments, when a person is ready to fulfill requests not in accordance with his official duties, so as not to lose his place, runs on the personal orders of the boss in the hope of being promoted. How many times it has happened that we fulfill the requests of the one in whose hands our prize is or the possibility of a vacation, even if it is difficult and inconvenient for us. But there are people who are sincerely kind, striving to help everyone they meet on the way. There are very few of those who are able to appreciate this trait at its true worth, but there are enough of those who catch reliability and throw off their problems. Usually the life of kind people is filled with the analysis of other people's problems, there is a lot of things to do, little free time, and it seems they are all so wonderful for others, but their own life suffers.

Fear of ruining relationships leads to the deceptive belief that consistent agreement with others will force them to be on our side, that making concessions will help keep a partner. In a relationship, it is always important to focus on your own feelings and what you are willing to sacrifice. There are people with whom an equivalent dialogue is possible and they will calmly accept your refusal, remaining in warm interaction, and there are those who are not capable of even a single refusal dictating their own rules of life. How sincere these relationships are and how much they are needed requires individual analysis, as well as thinking about why you are so afraid to express your own opinion and constantly move the boundaries of your personality in these relationships.

But in addition to factors that have a clear attachment to a particular situation, there is also a general trend in modern society. The level of stress increases unreasonably every day, and everyone is involuntarily a chronic carrier of at least a minimal level of nervous tension. In such conditions, a person can assess his negative response as a possibility of confrontation or, which is extremely undesirable, and chooses the least conflicting strategies of behavior.

To understand how to learn to say no, people should figure out why and when it is worth doing so that the acquired skill does not look like a confrontation with the whole world and is not used as a transfer of responsibility and actions to others. A look at your own life will help to evaluate your ability to refuse, and an assessment of how much time and place is left for you, at what stage are your achievements and hobbies (if you stop sitting three times a week with your friend's child, then there will be time for the gym, and if you do not help a colleague with her own reports, then a promotion will appear soon or you will spend this time on freelancing). Softness and reliability do not evoke warm feelings and respect, on the contrary, they reinforce the impression of a characterless person, who is nothing of himself. Over time, they cease to appreciate your help, and then they begin to demand the fulfillment of whims as duties - these are the features of the human psyche, when you yourself move your boundaries, it becomes interesting for others to see how much they can still be pushed through, and believe me, no one will stop thinking or pitying you , because if he agrees, then maybe, then it’s not difficult.

It will be problematic to rebuild to a different style of behavior, you will have to abandon the usual actions on the knurled one, and with each request, fully analyze a lot of factors, and not just the fact that this is a nice person.

How to learn to refuse and say no

In the space of the topic of how to learn to say no and not feel guilty, psychology suggests avoiding a direct approach where you refuse people through force or fulfill a plan, for example, refuse three people in a day. Such tactics often break relationships with people and the human psyche, since the inability to refuse leads to the inability to feel their needs and replaces them with other people's activities (or such confusion in their desires leads to failure). While working on this problem, external behavior and uttering the word "no" is only the tip of the iceberg, and before that there will be a serious study of one's own boundaries and the ability to interact without offending feelings. The ability to correctly present information is the most important element of one's own comfort in case of refusal, because there is a fear of causing or suffering later, and it is because of it that people find it easier to agree.

Initially, you should start showing your own disappointment, irritation, annoyance from an uncomfortable request. This is not a refusal yet, but a demonstration of your feelings, although in many cases it alone may be enough for a person to cancel his request. If you are used to always being comfortable, smiling and courteous, then when asked to work overtime for 24 hours, you will smile and uncertainly tell that you are uncomfortable. The text may be correct, but seeing the smile and indecision on your face will not take the displeasure seriously. Frown, raise your voice, sigh wearily, throw a pen on the table - everything that will be organic for you to express feelings. The person reads non-verbal messages, and you do not accumulate irritation inside. Thus, maintaining your own authenticity, you avoid psychosomatics and convey your true attitude to the person (otherwise, such requests will be thrown more and more to you, for your own benefit).

Speak about your own feelings on your own behalf and in the same sentence voice your refusal (“I'm not interested in going shopping with you, so I won't go,” “I am a little annoyed by your persistence today, better another time”). Such statements are not criticism of your partner or of what they turn to you, the refusal is based solely on your emotions, which cannot be refuted, and is also a marker of a change in your relationship in the event that the partner continues to insist. So, if, nevertheless, they continue to beg you, then the transformation of your irritation into rage is quite natural, just like a dream in the middle of a movie, which you considered boring.

The feeling of guilt after refusal arises from the feeling that you have left a person in trouble or alone with his problem, so, anticipating the development of such a state, take care of help. If you are asked to translate the text - give the translator's contacts, if you sit with a child - you can throw a link to the agency as nannies, if you are invited to visit on the other side of the city, and you do not want to go out - invite people to your place. Those who really needed help will be grateful to you for the proposed outputs, and those who wanted to take advantage of your reliability are likely to make a scene or be offended. You should not believe in such manifestations, this is the last trick of a manipulator to put pressure on you. Restrain yourself, and you will see how a person perfectly solves problems himself or finds an appropriate way out.

Do not forget to listen to the person every time, after each of your refusals. There are especially persistent persons who, after uttering your refusal, explaining why and what you feel at the same time, begin to tell how they feel, how they need it and convince you in every possible way. Repeat your position as many times as necessary, in approximately the same wording (with the amendment, of course, if the irritation has already turned into rage). All people perceive information at different rates, some may need ten repetitions in order to realize it - repeat without losing confidence in your voice, since the person will hear your agreement immediately, just like the shaken confidence.

Give yourself the right to different answers, many confuse the request and the person himself, but refusing to act, you do not say goodbye to the person, just as if you agree, the person does not become obliged to shower privileges on you.

The ability to say "no" is one of the key points and its activity manifestation, in addition, the trailer is pulled by maintaining the principles of respectful interaction. A person who understands his desires does not waste his time on inappropriate requests, but will respect other people's refusals and sphere of interests. The weakness and fear that govern reliability are quite expensive - at first it seems that you are saving your nerves and time, not letting yourself go into explaining why not, you keep the relationship, and then you find that you have spent much more time and your own resources on fulfilling the request, while the relationship is still coming apart at the seams because of your depressed and consuming partner's attitude.

How do you learn to say no and still be a good person? Allowing yourself time to consider the request will make your rejection sound convincing. It works like this: when you were taken by surprise, then your subconscious mind considered all the necessary information and issued a negative answer, you will not have time to realize all aspects, and accordingly, you feel uncertainty in your voice and the partner's question about the motivation for refusal will throw you into. Having realized, you can answer clearly and clearly, and the refusal will sound with the same convincing intonation with which a man would answer the question "are you a woman?"

Learn to give thoughtful answers to both consent and refusal, since any autopilot response does not give you personal practice in making decisions that are beneficial to your personality and assessing the situation regarding your real needs. When the answer coincides with the inner reality, then you experience joy, relief - this state is the main marker of what needs to be answered and how to feel. Stick to truthfulness - this concerns lying to yourself that it is not so difficult for you to fulfill a request when you just do not want to, as well as lying to others, providing more significant reasons for refusal (unwillingness to go to a party to cover up with a disease). Such decoration mechanisms do not change anything inside the situation, there remains tension and wasted energy - deceiving yourself, you act against your soul, and deceiving others, you are forced to act within the framework of maintaining the legend, again limiting yourself.

Refusing, do not come up with long explanations, usually a short informative phrase is quite enough, and the effect is much higher ("I will not go, because you are not attractive to me" will immediately put everything in its place, and an hour-long discussion about the qualities of a partner and the possibility of consent will stretch the torment for several months ). Observance of correctness and tact when refusing is an undeniable requirement, as with other communication. But with low upbringing, those who are used to showing strength and despotism, when trying to force you, demanding additional explanations, considering yours funny or stupid, you can safely forget about the limits of decency. Most likely, polite communication will not help and the person will have a destructive effect on your nervous system until you stop communicating. A short “no” is quite enough, and an explanation “because I don’t want”, you should not enter into further interaction and give other arguments as well, when insisting on an extended version of the explanation of the refusal, you can be rude in response, wondering which of the three letters of the word “no” to a person is not clear. In this option, you cannot avoid the partner's anger, but it hardly makes sense to maintain such a relationship, where there is no respect.

When you say yes to someone, don't say no to yourself.

To know exactly how to respond to a particular sentence, direct or indirect, you need to remember three things:

1. Remember your primary interests. Those. know that you set yourself the goal at the beginning of a conversation or relationship: business, friendship, etc. And constantly check your core plans and values.

2. Stay in agreement with yourself. You can say a firm yes when your inner self also says yes. You feel inner satisfaction, despite the emotional, material, physical and other costs that you will incur by saying yes. When to say “no” - if you feel fear, anxiety, insecurity because of your rejection.

In the first case, we are talking about a strategy for achieving success - your acquired benefits will be greater than any other costs. In the second case, the person is led by fear of unpleasant consequences, missed opportunities, in the event that he does not say "yes". That's when you need to say no - otherwise it's easy can become a victim of manipulation.

A little later, in more detail about what masks the manipulators are hiding under.

3. And the last thing: you need to listen to your intuition - it is the best indicator of the correctness of your decisions. Everything is very simple - it is an encyclopedia of all our experiences, and any life experience, even socially disapproved of, is correct, here everything that causes positive emotions is correct, and everything that causes negative emotions is not correct. This is your personal measure of the need or uselessness of certain of your actions. On the other hand, social stereotypes can call certain actions undesirable, and then a person will feel internal conflict... First of all, you need to trust your emotions, or rather your intuition - it is a dispassionate, objective repository of all previously experienced experience and the accompanying natural emotions.

Now a few words about the manipulators who stubbornly wait for us to answer “yes” when our inner shouts “no”. Why do people become manipulators written earlier.

There are two types of manipulators - active and passive. The former are dominant dictators who demand a yes answer. If the answer is “no,” there will be threats, accusations, reproaches of selfishness, cruelty, tyranny, etc. By the way, real egoists, "tyrants" are distinguished by the fact that they like to hang this epithet on their interlocutors, at the slightest disagreement with their demands.

Passive manipulators will press on pity, guilt, emphasize their helplessness, etc. Those. rejection of their direct and indirect offers will cause you either a feeling of guilt or doubt about your own humanity,. In short, you will feel uncomfortable, try to somehow justify yourself or compensate for the fact that you said “no”.

Some phrases and techniques used by manipulators:

Irritation of the opponent, the ability to piss him off and forget about his main goals in excitement.
Dazzle the fast pace of the discussion, using incomprehensible words and terms, without the slightest "doubt" that you may not understand them.
Negative assessment of the opponent or his words, actions, for example: “this is commonplace”, “nonsense”, “stupidity”, “everyone knows this”, etc.
Irony, for example: "You are saying things beyond my understanding."
Resentment, for example: “Who do you take us for ?!”.
Flattering turns, for example: “You, as an intelligent person, of course, cannot help but see….”
Silence or half-truth, when there is a grain of truth in the words of the interlocutor and his words cannot be deliberately refuted.
Forcing a strictly unambiguous answer using the carrot-and-stick method.
Choice without choice - i.e. both of the proposed options were not agreed with you and do not suit you.

What else you need to know to learn how to say no. You have every right to say “no”, moreover, without making excuses and without explaining his “no”.

What prevents you from saying “no”?

This is a reluctance to appear impolite. To be polite, it is enough to say your "no" - politely, firmly, but not harshly.
A sincere desire to help or a sense of duty. In this case, it is important to remember one thing: all you have to be is to be happy, nothing else, absolutely nothing. You can help if it does not conflict with your interests, and you feel an inner need to help. Evaluate whether you will later feel the inner satisfaction of saying yes or feel deceived, convinced of something that you are not ready to agree with.
The desire to be like everyone else. The greatest value you have is your personality, don't give up on it.
Fear of the possible if you say no. In this case, again, it is important to say “no” very politely, but firmly, remembering your right to say “no”. According to the situation, you can justify, argue your “no”, but do not drag out your explanations too much - whoever wants, will understand you.
Fear of missed opportunities. Those. you hope that by answering “yes,” you will receive something valuable, meaningful for you, despite the abandonment of your current values. In this case, you need to remember that at the moment you are definitely losing something important to you and it is not at all a fact that this is necessary and valuable for you to happen in the future. Your “yes” should bring you satisfaction right now, and equal to your “cost”.
Fear of breaking up. Some people simply do not understand the word "no" and will insist on their own just until they turn blue, rejecting all possible compromises. The sooner you understand who you are dealing with, the easier it will be for you to assess the situation and make the right decision.

So, in summary. You can confidently say yes when you feel immediate satisfaction with your answer and your consent does not run counter to your plans, values, basic goals. And your possible answer "no" in the same case will not cause you discomfort, fear, uncertainty, anxiety. In other words, your interlocutor does not deprive you of the right to answer “no”, and for this you will get nothing - you will not lose anything and you will feel comfortable emotionally.

You should say “yes” when you see new opportunities (realistic, reasonable, balanced) and you are not satisfied with the current state of affairs. And, finally, you should say “yes” when your intuition tells you “yes”. But not fear of missed opportunities!

You need to say "no" if your consent deprives you of inner harmony, causes anxiety and anxiety, you put other people's interests above your own, your “yes” makes you give up something important right now in exchange for ghostly values, which are not yet the fact that they will be bestowed on you.

By saying “no” you have the right to explain or not explain the reasons for your refusal. To make your “no” sound weighty, you yourself must feel complete confidence in the correctness of your decision (remember your core values), remember your right to say this “no”.

By saying no, you can offer an alternative — especially if the relationship is important to you, and the compromise is good for you. IN business In a relationship, saying “no,” you can recommend someone who is less busy than you, for example, or who knows the task better than you. You can also offer an alternative job that you could do no worse, or even better than what is asked of you, but for some good reason, you cannot do it now.

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From an early age, a little person is taught to obey. First, parents, then educators, teachers. Such a habit of already an adult begins to be manipulated by everyone around - friends, relatives, wives / husbands and even their own children.
It is hard to say “no” only to very well-mannered, kind and gentle people.

For them, it is better to take on the solution of many other people's problems than to refuse. To offend or upset someone, let alone a loved one, is tantamount to a crime. All vitality and energy resources are spent on helping and participating in a completely different destiny, of course, at the expense of their own desires and priorities.

Reasons for refusing

Low self-esteem. Such people are ready to do anything to get attention. The desire to look like a real friend in the eyes of others who will help out under any circumstances.
Fear of loneliness. Refusal often causes resentment and some tension in the relationship. To maintain mutual understanding, a person often agrees to tasks that are impossible for him.
Gratitude as a way to feel useful and important. Such "payment" instantly increases self-esteem and even though there is nothing to boast about in one's own life, the thought of being involved in other people's achievements is undoubtedly warming.
The desire to help is common to many people. Kind attitude and participation should be in moderation, otherwise, there will certainly appear, a lot of people who want to be deprived of conscience, tact and other moral principles, who will take advantage of someone else's nobility and spiritual generosity.
Fear of conflict. Maintain a peaceful environment even to the detriment of their own interests. It seems to such people that their refusal will provoke the anger of the interlocutor and cause a storm of indignation in him.

How to learn to say no

The refusal must be clearly formulated. No backstories, apologies and unnecessary reasoning. The intonation must be confident, a firm "no" sounds like a principle, a position on this issue. If a person deliberately puts him in an uncomfortable position, realizing in advance that his request is contrary to your interests, then explaining the reason for the refusal is not at all worth it.

Fear of conflict and ruin the relationship. But not the refusal itself can offend, but in what form it was exposed. At the beginning, participation and your attitude towards this person is expressed: “I would very much like to fulfill your request. I value our relationship very much. I perfectly understand how important this is for you and I am sorry myself, "but" I cannot fulfill this. " In the first part of the statement, you should not express a refusal, because after it the person will no longer perceive any information.

Time matters... If you immediately understand that the request is impossible for you or will require the resources necessary for your personal goals, then there is no need to postpone the refusal. The imaginary hope will still not come true and will definitely cause resentment. The reputation of being an unreliable person who makes empty promises is also a very unpleasant appendage.

Everyone likes the desire, to be always affable and friendly can play a cruel joke. Overestimate inner values and give yourself the opportunity to live exclusively your own life. Selfishness in such cases is a life-saving medicine. You can practice in any living environment. Even if the request is straightforward, purposefully say no until it becomes a habit. "Give me a place in the queue, I'm late for work" - "NO", "Give sick children for an operation" - "NO", "Borrow me a thousand" - "NO", "Sit with the children, we are leaving for rest" - "NO". When the refusal will no longer cause internal contradictions, you can adequately assess the situation and help, if possible.

In most cases, people can either cope with the situation on their own, or turn to someone else, besides you, who have great ability to solve the desired issue. Therefore, you need to consider your refusal from the point of view of allowing loved ones to live their lives, create according to their own plan, and do not shift the difficulties that arise on the backs at hand.

You can train in front of a mirror... Rehearse a calm, confident look, fluent, stutter-free speech. It is good to prepare several clichés for each situation, which will express refusal in a mild form, without humiliating or offending the interlocutor. “Today I have an important meeting scheduled, and I cannot help you out,” “I would love to help you, but I have a training session.” Lying is inappropriate, it is better to adapt the situation slightly embellishing - an interesting training, a long-awaited exhibition, a long-promised trip to the mother-in-law, a quarterly report. Do not be afraid that your affairs are more important. Your work, health, parents, children, family, hobbies, mood and well-being are higher on the scale of priorities of other people's relationships, problems and hardships.

Concentration in the performance of their work duties, the manifestation of attention to loved ones and family will not cause a desire to be distracted from such important matters. In extreme cases, you can use your responsibility and scrupulousness in solving your own problems as a reason for refusal. The interlocutor will not take offense at such a busy friend.

You can do any kind of self-esteem-building practice. Trainings, affirmations and visualizations promote self-acceptance and self-worth. Only after realizing the value of life and defining personal boundaries, it will become easier to say “no”. It will be easy to protect your dreams, goals and desires, faith in your uniqueness will be transmitted to others at a rapid speed.

Do you think that the inability to say “no” is a problem in itself and can be solved with some special “no-training”? Psychologists just grin. The inability to refuse is a superficial difficulty, the roots of which go deep into the personality and, as usual, into the childhood of that personality. Roughly speaking, your low self-esteem is to blame for everything. That is, your parents. Here's how it goes.

A healthy attitude towards oneself, confidence is born from a simple children's understanding that "I am good", "this world was waiting for me", "I am worthy of love." With this attitude, you grow up a sane person without any special psychological problems. But if the parents are indifferent, cruel, cold, then they end up with a child who is deeply convinced that he is not worthy of a good attitude (“if even the closest people treat me badly, what to expect from others?”). And such a subject, who has experienced a deficit of support, is trying to fill this deficit in any way. To say "yes" for such a person means to psychologically approach someone, to open up to someone. To say no is to push away from yourself. Which of the two options will the one who was already disliked in childhood choose? The answer is obvious. In addition, such a “comrade YES” does not know how to value either his time, or his strength, or his talents. Because they were not taught to appreciate, because there is supposedly nothing to value them. He is ready to sacrifice his own interests for the sake of someone else's kind word. Is it worth it?

Personality reassessment
This simple exercise will help you start to cultivate self-confidence, the lack of which prevents you from uttering a firm "no". Think about what you can be praised for, and write at least five compliments to yourself. And at least three times a day tell yourself at least one compliment from this list. Change the list from time to time. And start treating yourself like your best friend.

Why say no

Any living creature in nature is aimed at satisfying their (their!) Needs: to get enough air, food, water, sleep and everything else. "In healthy egoism there is a natural expediency - it is necessary for survival, and if you give everything to everyone, leaving nothing for yourself, then you can simply die of exhaustion, bringing the idea of reliability to the point of absurdity.", - confirms MH expert, psychologist Anna Mukhina. A good example in this sense is a small child (up to three years old, until society begins to interfere in his life). Try to take the carrot from him or, scary to say, the pacifier. He will fight to the last and yell until he turns blue, demanding his own. In part, you should be such a child.

Any interaction is an exchange. Emotions, performance results, material values, time spent, information. And for you to feel good, this exchange should always be equal. "How to get there?" - "Like this". - "Thanks!" This is a normal dialogue, in which the questioner received the necessary information, the respondent received a positive charge (provided help, received gratitude). If at the end there were not “thanks”, but silence and receding steps, the scales would have shifted to the side of the questioner. And the second participant in the dialogue would get only indignation at petty rudeness. Any situation in which you give more than you receive, or give what you already have so little, is not good for you. Not saying “no” in time, you not only impoverish yourself, but also provoke stress - and from it, as you know, there are heart attacks, stomach ulcers and other unhealthy things. No normal animal would do that because it is selfish to the right extent.

Many employees, seeking to establish friendly relations with colleagues or to please their superiors, agree to comply with any request. Meanwhile, the ability to refuse is useful: it saves time, helps maintain peace of mind and, paradoxically, increases authority in the eyes of others.

How can you learn to say “no” at work so that the refusal is perceived as normal, and you subsequently do not feel remorse?

Why is it sometimes better to say no than yes?

To understand the psychology of refusal, it is enough to analyze the behavior of children. At an early age, anyone can easily say "no", thereby showing an instinctive response to coercion and external control. This position allows him to designate the boundaries of what is permissible in relation to his "I". Toddlers tend to show disagreement categorically and decisively. The ease with which they do this is due to the fact that their feelings such as duty and guilt are just forming.

It is much more difficult for an adult to say “no” because of the fear of ruining the friendship with one of his colleagues. If the bosses have to refuse, the business reputation and professional suitability are called into question. Sometimes it is the fear of losing a job, job, or career opportunity that forces you to agree. Some employees do not resist the will of others for fear of conflict. Pedagogical workers who are obsessed with the idea of cultivation have a bad conscience to say no.

In fact, all these reasons are far-fetched, so it makes no sense to justify your reliability with them. A polite refusal is unlikely to spoil a friendly relationship with a colleague. If the complacent disposition on the part of a friend has disappeared, it is worth considering: is friendship with a selfish person so valuable. In this case, the refusal will become a kind of test of the relationship for altruism and mutual respect.

If the reason for conciliation lies in the fear of entering into open confrontation with someone, you should reconsider your views on the nature of the conflict. The best of all, perhaps, said the ancient Greek sage Socrates: "In a dispute, truth is born." Emotional clarification of relations with the transition to personalities and an appeal to past grievances does not give anything good. A constructive conflict is another matter: a correctly formulated, motivated refusal can push the parties to a mutually beneficial solution.

The following psychological attitudes will help to say “no” politely but confidently:

Refusal is a natural human right to preserve self-esteem.
Refusal is a way to protect interests, health, and sometimes life.
Refusal is a sign of a responsible attitude to business, the ability to correctly prioritize and manage time.
Refusal is an opportunity to build relationships with other people on mutually beneficial terms.
The only way to get rid of remorse after rejection is to say no as often as possible.

When is it necessary to refuse?

Sometimes a request or offer sounds like it's hard to refuse. What are the most common tricks manipulators use to hear "yes"?

They can play on a person's sense of dignity: "sweeten" the request with a flattering characteristic addressed to him. For example: "I want a knowledgeable and responsible employee to do this."
Doubt in their abilities can become a trap for proud and gambling people. Hearing something like “I wanted to offer this to you, but I don’t know if you can handle it,” employees tend to agree to prove professional competence.
Another complex that manipulators often play on is guilt. They reinforce their request with phrases: "you are my last hope", "I myself will not be able to cope", "if you refuse, you will let the department down."

The ability to recognize such tricks allows you to soberly assess the situation, and when making decisions, be guided only by personal motives.

Saying politely, but firmly "no" is necessary in cases where the performance of the task is associated with a threat to health and life, contrary to the law, job descriptions, common sense or life principles. If abandoning a dubious enterprise is difficult, it is worthwhile to vividly imagine the negative consequences of a possible consent. The brighter the picture in your head, the faster the remorse will disappear.

It is better to give up overtime work if it does not bring emotional satisfaction or financial gain, badly affects family relationships, psychological or physical well-being. The unfair distribution of responsibilities and wages is another reason to politely and tactfully, but still resolutely say "no" to the management in response to an offer to exercise part of someone's powers.

In what cases is it undesirable for an employee to refuse?

If he recently came to a new job and needs to demonstrate professional potential.
If he is offered help, that will not hurt. Peer support is the norm in healthy teams, so you shouldn't give it up out of pride or false modesty.
If the assigned task contributes to the development of competencies, which means it increases the professional level.
If the refusal endangers the safety and health of people around (areas of activity - medicine, army, police, fire service).

Six ways to say no

Refusal in itself is a neutral and frequent occurrence that cannot worsen relationships with other people. Negative consequences usually arise after the rejection of the proposal sounded rude. That is why it is necessary to say “no” tactfully and correctly.

However, there are exceptions to this rule: there is no need to respond politely to rudeness and arrogance, since this will be perceived by the opposite side as weakness. Suffice it succinctly to say "no" and turn away, thereby making it clear that the conversation is over.

How to learn to refuse people without feeling remorse? Here are 6 ways to do it correctly and politely:

Saying “no” to a person with whom you do not want to spoil your relationship, it is advisable to motivate the answer (refer to being busy, plans to spend time with your family).
If the interlocutor appeals to a sense of conscience, you need to repay him in the same coin: announce your to-do list at the moment and offer to help with the completion of any task.
You can do the same with the leader. If he makes another request, you can list all your tasks and ask which one, in his opinion, is a priority.
You can act diplomatically: soften the sharp "no" with phrases "but I like the idea itself", "next time I will help", "I would like to fulfill, but there is no time."
If you don’t need to respond urgently, it’s better to take some time to think. "Time-out" will allow you to independently make a decision, choose the right words for refusal.
You can refer to the lack of knowledge and skills, suggest finding someone else, more experienced, to complete the assignment.

When formulating a refusal, it is necessary to speak concisely and to the point. In no case should you make excuses, thereby betraying a feeling of guilt. The interlocutor-manipulator will immediately take advantage of remorse to achieve what he wants. If the refusal is given with difficulty, you can psychologically isolate yourself from the interlocutor using protective postures: cross your arms over your chest, fold your fingers into a "lock", cross your legs.

At work, it is most difficult to refuse a manager, as this is fraught with unpleasant consequences. At the same time, by constantly agreeing, a person runs the risk of becoming a "workhorse". How to be in such a situation?

It is necessary to develop the correct model of behavior from the first day of work. The employee must demonstrate in every possible way a willingness to make contact, while maintaining a firm position. Naturally, any refusal must be reasoned. To do this, you can refer to job descriptions, employment, interest in the quality of the result. If the boss continues to insist on completing the task, it is necessary to focus on his responsibility, as a leader, for possible failure. Thus, the employee will demonstrate that he is a thinking person who cares for the common cause.