The play was created by Nikolai Gogol for nine years: from 1833 to 1842. It was staged in St. Petersburg at the Alexandrinsky Theater. “Marriage” is a comedy of everyday life and morals, opening a series of plays about merchant life, subsequently continued by Alexander Ostrovsky. We will look at Gogol’s idea, the features of the work and the image of the characters, for which we will analyze the play “Marriage”. First of all, let's look at the plot. Everything will be presented here in a condensed form, but on our website you can also read a summary of the play “Marriage”.

The plot of the play “Marriage” by Gogol

Indeed, it is impossible to imagine analyzing the play “Marriage” without understanding the plot line. Gogol's entire work is built around a central event - the alleged marriage of Podkolesin and his matchmaking with the merchant's daughter Agafya Tikhonovna. She certainly wants a groom from the nobility. The matchmaker and friend Kochkarev have difficulty convincing the main character to get up from the couch and go see the bride. It turns out that several more suitors come to her, each with their own demands: one needs a good dowry, another needs his future wife to know French. And what?

As a result, Kochkarev arranges it so that Podkolesin remains the only groom and the girl gives preference to him. However, when the friend is away on business, the groom, tormented by indecision, runs out the window of the bride’s house.

Comic content does not negate the seriousness in the depiction of various types of Russian society. Although this is not a summary of the play, the essence is clear. Let us continue the analysis of the play “Marriage”.

The image of the characters in the play “Marriage” by Gogol

In the work we see representatives of several classes and professions: merchant daughter Agafya Tikhonovna, court councilor Podkolesin, retired officer Anuchkin, sailor Zhevakin, matchmaker Fyokla Ivanovna.

Agafya Tikhonovna demonstrates the desire to become a noble, characteristic of wealthy representatives of the merchant class. To do this, she is looking for a nobleman groom. When making a choice between several candidates, she is guided only by their external data, so she cannot make a decision: if she were to add the lips of another to the nose of one, and combine them with the corpulence of a third, she would get an ideal husband. When analyzing the play “Marriage”, do not miss one more character. This is Podkolesin.

Podkolesin is a type of indecisive person, who is therefore incapable of action. At first, he lies on the sofa, postponing everything until tomorrow. Then he cannot decide whether he needs to get married: how he was unmarried, but suddenly became married. Then, due to doubts, he runs away before the wedding. Podkolesin is a parody of the hero-lover, who usually climbs through the window to his beloved. In addition, running away from the wedding is the prerogative of girls, thereby emphasizing the weakness and lack of male will in the hero.

Kochkarev, on the contrary, is an active and energetic person. However, he does not know why he wants to marry his friend and what his efforts will lead to. He is also a kind of parody of the traditional image of a lover’s friend and confidant.

The rest of the suitors are caricatures, each of them emphasizing one exaggerated character trait.

However, an analysis of the play “Marriage” shows that Gogol is not simply ridiculing a failed attempt to get married. It shows the hypocrisy and pretense that accompany family relationships in modern society. In their choice, the heroes are guided not by feelings, but by profit.

In addition, analyzing the play “Marriage”, it can be noted that Gogol emphasizes a typical feature of the Russian person: the desire to dream, but the inability to live. In his dreams, Podkolesin imagines himself with his family, but escapes from reality through the window. It turns out to be a comic and dramatic collision of ideal ideas and reality at the same time.

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Family play "Marriage"

The history of the creation of the play “Marriage”

Theatrical interests occupied a large place in the life of N.V. Gogol. It is not surprising that the writer’s first attempts from the romantic fiction “Evenings on a Farm near Dikanka” to turn to modern reality led him to the idea of ​​​​creating a comedy. Evidence of this goes back to the end of 1832 (letter from P. A. Pletnev to V. A. Zhukovsky dated December 8, 1832). And on February 20, 1833, the author himself reported to M.N. Pogodin:

“I didn’t write to you: I’m obsessed with comedy. She, when I was in Moscow, on the road [Gogol returned to St. Petersburg on October 30, 1832 - A.S.], and when I arrived here, did not leave my head, but until now I have not written anything. The plot had already begun to be drawn up the other day, and the title had already been written on a thick white notebook:

“Vladimir of the 3rd degree,” and how much anger! laughter! salt!.. But suddenly he stopped, seeing that the pen was pushing against places that the censorship would never let through. What if the play is not performed? Drama lives only on stage. Without her, she is like a soul without a body. What kind of master would show off an unfinished work to the people? I have no choice but to invent the most innocent plot, which even the policeman could not be offended by. But what is a comedy without truth and anger! So, I can’t get down to comedy.” See: Khrapchenko M.B. Nikolai Gogol: Literary path: The greatness of the writer. - M., 1984. - P. 168 - 169.. This testimony of Gogol speaks volumes. Here, the advanced ideas of Gogol’s theatrical aesthetics are formulated with great force and the ideological orientation of his dramaturgy is revealed. “Truth” and “anger,” that is, realism and bold, merciless criticism—this is the ideological and artistic law of comedy. Without this it makes no sense. Gogol's comedy had to satisfy these requirements. Her critical focus went far beyond what was censorship-permissible. The planned comedy was to become a shining example of critical realism. The plot provided full opportunity for this: the hero seeks to be awarded the order by any means, but fails due to the machinations of ambitious people like himself, and goes crazy, imagining himself as Vladimir of the third degree. Gogol struck a blow at the main vices of the bureaucratic system of that time. The written parts of the failed comedy (“Morning of a Business Man,” “Litigation,” “Lackey,” “Excerpt”) confirm this nature of Gogol’s plan.

In search of a plot that even the policeman would not be offended by, Gogol turns to the idea of ​​a comedy on a family and everyday theme. In 1833, he begins to write “Marriage” (the original title was “Grooms”). Through a series of intermediate editions, Gogol only in 1841 came to the final version of the comedy, which was published in 1842. In the last edition of the play, Gogol not only changes certain aspects of the content (for example, initially the action took place in a landowner’s estate and the landowner wanted to get married) , but, more importantly, in accordance with the development of his aesthetic views, he frees comedy from the elements of vaudeville, from the techniques of external comedy. “Marriage” becomes a social comedy from the life of a merchant and official. In the plot about the matchmaking of suitors differing in character and position to a merchant's daughter, the comedian ridicules the stagnation, primitiveness of life of the depicted environment, the squalor of the spiritual world of the people of this circle. With great force, Gogol showed the vulgarization of love and marriage, characteristic of this environment, so poetically depicted by him in stories from folk life (“Evenings on a farm near Dikanka”). Grotesquely sharpening the delineation of characters and the unexpected denouement (the groom's escape at the last minute through the window), Gogol gives his comedy the subtitle “A Completely Incredible Event in Two Acts.” But this is only a means characteristic of a comic writer to emphasize the authenticity of his work. The realism of “Marriage” opposed the conventions of those melodramas and vaudevilles, the dominance of which in the repertoire of the Russian theater Gogol complained.

“Marriage” has an important place in the history of the genre of family comedy. The great talent of a comic writer allowed Gogol to develop and enrich the traditions of Russian comedy, which was already addressing merchant life. Further development of the genre features of such a comedy was found in the dramaturgy of A. N. Ostrovsky. In his first comedy, “Our People - Let's Be Numbered,” the reader met both a merchant’s daughter, dreaming of a “noble” groom, and a matchmaker, an indispensable participant in the marriage transaction.

In the initial drafts of “Marriage” (1833), the action took place in the village, among the landowners. Neither Podkolesin nor Kochkarev appeared in the early text. Then the action was moved to St. Petersburg and the St. Petersburg characters Podkolesin and Kochkarev appeared. V.G. Belinsky defined the essence of the final edition of this comedy as follows: “Gogol’s “Marriage” is not a crude farce, but a true and artistically reproduced picture of the morals of mediocre St. Petersburg society.” Belinsky V.G. Full collection op. in 13 volumes - M., 1959. - T.5, P.333.

This is not the capital Petersburg of Nevsky Prospekt, Millionnaya Street and the English Embankment, this is provincial Petersburg - the Moscow part, Peskov, Shestilavochnaya, Mylny lanes, one-story wooden houses with front gardens.

The comedy is built on a paradox: everything revolves around marriage, but no one is in love, there is no trace of love in comedy. Marriage is an enterprise, a commercial matter. This attitude towards marriage is familiar to Ivan Fedorovich Shponka: “...Then he suddenly dreamed that his wife was not a person at all, but some kind of woolen matter; that he comes to a merchant’s shop in Mogilev. “Which matter do you order? - says the merchant. “Take your wife, this is the most fashionable material! Very nice! Everyone now sews frock coats from it.” The merchant measures and cuts his wife. Ivan Fedorovich takes it under his arm and goes to... the tailor.” Gogol N.V. Complete works: In 14 volumes - M., Leningrad, 1939. - T. 1. - P. 320..

All the absurdity of marriage as a transaction, nakedly shown in Ivan Fedorovich’s dream, became the main theme of Gogol’s comedy. Exposing the vulgarity of the St. Petersburg bourgeoisie, Gogol the playwright expanded the range of social observations and sketches he made in Ukrainian and St. Petersburg stories. The way of thoughts and feelings, the very structure of speech of the characters introduces the reader into the limited world of metropolitan creatures, who are not far removed in their development from the inhabitants of Mirgorod. And at the same time, behind the images of the merchant’s daughter Agafya Tikhonovna, her aunt Arina Panteleimonovna, the matchmaker Fyokla Ivanovna, the hotel palace Starikov and four suitors, an image of St. Petersburg of the 30s with small shops on Voznesensky Prospekt, with beer cellars, with vegetable gardens on the Vyborg side, with cab drivers who carry you across the city for a dime.

“Marriage,” of course, goes far beyond the boundaries of St. Petersburg life. In this satirical comedy, as in his other works, Gogol sought to present to the reader all of Rus', in all its details.

Gogol’s special attention to “Marriage” can be explained precisely by the fact that he saw already in the concept of the play the possibility of broad social generalization - this can be traced even from its draft versions. Conceiving Vladimir of the 3rd Degree, Gogol writes that “there will be a lot of salt and anger in this comedy.” This “anger” did not evaporate during the transition to “Grooms”, but, on the contrary, increased.

If in “Vladimir of the 3rd Degree”, in the small comedies that broke away from him, in “The Inspector General” Gogol was concerned with the public face of his characters, then in “Marriage”, the only Gogol comedy in this sense, we are talking about personal matters, about intimate the world of people, about the structure of their own destiny. Officials and landowners, merchants and nobles are represented here simply by people who have laid bare their innermost feelings.

Nothing much has changed due to the fact that the action, which in “Vladimir of the 3rd Degree” was supposed to take place in St. Petersburg, was transferred to the village in “Marriage” - the satirical intensity of the comedy has not weakened. Agafya Tikhonovna's gallery of village suitors is a bright satire on the society of that time. Basically drawn with the same colors as in the final edition, all of them: Scrambled eggs (who was at one time called Potty), and Onuchin (later Anuchin), and Zhevakin, and the stutterer Panteleev (who later remained only in Thekla’s stories) - all of them are voluntary slaves of vulgarity, devoid of even personal virtues.

Every time it comes to analyzing “Marriage,” thoughts arise about the satirical intensity associated only with denunciations of officials. This play, as a rule, is staged lower than “The Inspector General” and the unrealized plan of “Vladimir of the 3rd Degree”, because there the characters are revealed in public manifestations, but here - in a home environment. It would seem that Gogol shows the person “at home”, outside of his social connections, but, nevertheless, he is revealed as a social unit - this is the satirical jab of “Marriage”.

Excluded from the sphere of official interests, Podkolesin and other suitors of Agafya Tikhonovna could show ordinary individual human character traits. But not for a minute does Scrambled egg cease to be a fat and rude executor, frightening his subordinates with his practiced bass voice. Podkolesin does not forget for a second that he is a court councilor, that even the color of his tailcoat is not the same as that of the titular small fry.

The strength of this comedy also lies in the fact that Gogol showed the close relationship between personal life and social life, showed how the moral image of people who are the support of autocratic-bureaucratic Russia is formed.

The satirical aim of “Marriage” is felt from the first lines of the comedy, because Podkolesin lying at home on the sofa is the same Podkolesin who will receive his subordinates tomorrow morning. There are only two people in the room - he and Stepan, standing near the lying master. It is impossible not to hear Stepan’s answers. And yet Podkolesin keeps asking the servant: “What are you saying?” And he, without being surprised or irritated, stupidly repeats everything from the beginning.

Podkolesin. Did you have a tailor?

Stepan. Was.

Podkolesin. ...Have you already sewed a lot?..

Stepan. Yes, that’s enough, I’ve already started throwing loops...

Podkolesin. What are you saying?

Stepan. I say, I’ve already started throwing loops.

The dialogue continues. Two or three more questions and answers, and again the servant is interrupted by a grumpy lordly:

"What are you saying?

Stepan. Yes, he has a lot of tailcoats hanging around.

Podkolesin. However, surely there will be cloth on them, worse tea than on mine?

Stepan. Yes, it will look better than what’s on yours.

Podkolesin. What are you saying?

Stepan. I say: this is a closer look at what’s on yours...” Gogol N.V. Complete works: In 14 volumes - M., Leningrad, 1939. - T. 3. - P. 62.

Why, it would seem, would Podkolesin, who does not show hearing loss with anyone other than Stepan, endlessly ask the servant again? And then that Podkolesin behaves exactly like this in his position, pretending that he does not understand the explanations of the junior rank.

All Gogol's comedies, despite the difference in their content, are built according to the same creative plan, expressing the writer's point of view on the place and significance of satire in the life of society. Satire, he believed, should reveal terrible ulcers, among which the most dangerous are the lack of ordinary, sincere feelings in people and the destruction of the sense of duty. In “Marriage” there is neither love nor a sense of duty - Gogol persistently emphasized this idea. So, for example, in one of the first versions of the play, Thekla, turning to Podkolesin, said: “Soon you will not be suitable for marital duty at all.” This phrase undergoes an insignificant, at first glance, change in the final edition: “Soon you will not be suitable for marital affairs at all.” Ibid. P.85.. Podkolesin will not be suitable for “business” over time, and for duty he is not suitable even now.

Gogol's comedy "Marriage" was prepared for publication and first staged in 1842. The first reviews of both the production and the printed text were mostly negative and did not live up to the author's expectations. Let's try to figure out why.

History of creation and first productions

Gogol began work on the comedy “Marriage” in 1833. Over the course of eight years, the title changed (the first version was “Grooms”), the location (transferred from the village to St. Petersburg), and the plot (initially Podkolesin and Kochkarev were absent, and the bride was a landowner). The writer planned to submit the play for production in the spring of 1836, but the last point in it was delivered only 5 years later, abroad.

The premiere of Gogol's comedy "Marriage" took place in early December 1842 at the Alexandria Theater, and two months later - in Moscow. None of them had the desired success, which was partly due to the behavior of the actors: many of them simply did not understand the essence of what was happening. And on the St. Petersburg stage, after the final curtain, there was a hiss: such stories usually ended with a happy reunion of lovers, but here we had to look for an explanation for Podkolesin’s action. Subsequent productions turned out to be more successful, and now one of the advantages of the play is that it presents a broad picture of the life of different class groups in the first half to mid-19th century.

Let's see how Gogol portrays his contemporary in the comedy “Marriage”.

Summary of action 1. Meet the main character

Court Councilor Podkolesin is a bachelor, but has long dreamed of getting married. He had already turned to the matchmaker, Fekla Ivanovna, ordered a tailcoat from the tailor, and the servant Stepan bought blacking for his boots. It seems that all the hero can do is meet his future bride.

Podkolesin's conversation with the servant about how preparations for the wedding are going is interrupted by a visit from the matchmaker: she came to talk about the new girl. The court councilor immediately bombards her with questions about the age of the bride, what is included in the dowry, and whether she is pretty. Fekla Ivanovna reports that Agafya Tikhonovna is the daughter of a merchant, but she definitely wants to see a nobleman as her husband. She has a substantial dowry and is pretty. After listening, Podkolesin asks to come the day after tomorrow - during this time he will think about everything. “This has been going on for three months now,” the matchmaker reproaches him and adds that she has other suitors in mind.

Gogol's "Marriage" continues with the appearance of Kochkarev, the groom's friend. At first he scolds Fyokla Ivanovna for marrying him, but having learned what the matter is, he immediately begins to insist that a wedding is the best event in life. And today he undertakes to introduce Podkolesin to his bride and arrange his fate.

In the house of Agafya Tikhonovna

While Kochkarev lifts the court councilor from the sofa and forces him to go to the bride, Fekla Ivanovna introduces the merchant’s daughter to potential suitors: Scrambled eggs, Anuchkin, Zhevakin. First in words, and then in person: soon they will appear in the house.

Having met the suitors, Agafya Tikhonovna feels awkward and runs away, and Fekla Ivanovna invites everyone to evening tea for a better acquaintance. Kochkarev, who finally pulled his friend out of the house and witnessed the meeting scene, convinces Ivan Kuzmich that he cannot find a better match and that he needs to act immediately.

Thus, in the first part of the play, people appear before the viewer who want to find for themselves a certain ideal created in the imagination. At the same time, none of them remembers that the main thing in marriage is the union of two kindred souls. Gogol brings us to such thoughts in the comedy “Marriage”.

Summary of actions 2. Results of Kochkarev’s activities

The hero, who has decided to marry Podkolesin at any cost, takes the initiative into his own hands. First, Kochkarev assures Agafya Tikhonovna, who is preoccupied with the upcoming choice of groom - she even decided to draw lots in connection with this - that it is better not to find Ivan Kuzmich. His move is successful: the bride drives away the men who have reappeared in her house and runs away. Left alone with Eggs, Anuchkin, and Zhevakin, Kochkarev introduces himself as a relative of the heroine and talks about her “shortcomings.” Finally, he arranges a conversation between the bride and Podkolesin, in the hope that the latter will propose. However, the viewer witnesses their timid conversation about nothing and shy silence - it sometimes helps to understand the inner feelings of the hero. Thus, instead of a happy logical ending to the comedy “Marriage,” Gogol develops the action further.

Groom's Elopement

Now Kochkarev proposes to Agafya Tikhonovna for his indecisive friend. He had already agreed on the wedding and ordered dinner. The bride went to put on an outfit that had long been prepared for this occasion. It seems that this time everything was done by the initiative Kochkarev so that the marriage could take place in the evening.

Gogol - the summary showed this - portrays Podkolesin as an apathetic person, incapable of decisive changes in life. And at that moment, when everything had already been decided, the enthusiastic state caused by the conversation with the girl suddenly gives way to panic and fear of a new life. The hero finds nothing better than to jump out the window and go home. And Agafya Tikhonovna, her aunt, the matchmaker and Kochkarev himself who appeared on the stage, upon learning about this, are shocked. With Fekla’s phrase “even if he ran out the door, it would be a different matter, but if the groom rushed out the window, then it would be right there...” N.V. concludes the play. Gogol. “Marriage” is a comedy, at the end of which the viewer must involuntarily think about the question of what made the hero, who was almost ready for change, act in such a way.

Characteristics

As already noted, the basis of the comedy was the depiction of typical characters of the mid-century. Let's take a closer look at them.

The first groom is Scrambled eggs, a rude and ignorant executor who dropped in here in passing. He was flattered by a rich dowry and therefore immediately begins to check whether everything from the list compiled by the matchmaker is available. He doesn’t care what kind of wife he turns out to be, even a fool, as long as the “surplus items” are good.

Anuchkin, an infantry soldier, wants to have a lady next to him who certainly speaks French and has secular manners, otherwise it won’t be the same. At the same time, high society is closed to him, and he himself does not understand anything in French.

Former sailor Zhevakin, who once traveled to Sicily, wants to have a wife in his body, so that she will be “a kind of rose.” And not once during the development of the action of Gogol’s comedy “Marriage” is the question of the spiritual qualities of the bride and grooms, of mutual love or at least sympathy, touched upon. Everything is measured by the amount of dowry and far-fetched whims that have no relation to real life.

Podkolesin in many ways resembles Oblomov I. Goncharov - the same lazy person and a person who is afraid to take responsibility. Moreover, at first he cannot decide on his attitude towards the bride: it seems to him that she is really stupid, has a long nose and is worth nothing without French. However, with the same ease with which Ivan Kuzmich previously accepted the point of view of each of the suitors, he agrees with his friend that Agafya Tikhonovna is almost ideal. For him, what is more important is the impression made by a phenomenon, an object, a face on other people, and not its true content. “Marriage” - Gogol uses techniques for creating a psychological portrait in the play - exposes the most negative social vices.

Kochkarev also looks comical, possessing great power of suggestion and receiving pleasure as a result of vigorous activity. This is an example of an unprincipled and cunning person who will stop at nothing to achieve his goal. He turns the destinies of others to suit himself, and therefore his energy does more harm than good.

All the characters created in the play, including women, are multifaceted and surprisingly realistic.

The meaning of comedy

“Marriage” became one of the first Russian comedies, the center of which was an ordinary everyday scene, funny and sad at the same time. It was significantly ahead of its time and predetermined the appearance of A. Ostrovsky’s plays and, to some extent, Goncharov’s novel “Oblomov.”

(Written in 1833)

CHARACTERS

Agafya Tikhonovna, merchant's daughter, bride.

Arina Panteleimonovna, aunt.

Fekla Ivanovna, matchmaker.

Podkolesin, employee, court councilor,

Kochkarev, his friend.

Fried eggs, executor.

Anuchkin, retired infantry officer.

Zhevakin, sailor.

Dunyashka, girl in the house.

Old people, hotel palace.

Stepan, servant of Podkolesin.

ACT ONE

PHENOMENON I

Bachelor's room.

Podkolesin alone, lying on the sofa with a pipe.

This is how you start thinking alone in your spare time, and you see that you finally definitely need to get married. What, really? You live and live, but it finally becomes so bad. The meat eater missed it again. But it seems that everything is ready, and the matchmaker has been going around for three months now. Right - somehow one becomes ashamed. Hey Stepan!

SCENE II

Podkolesin, Stepan.

Podkolesin. The matchmaker didn't come?

Stepan. No way.

Podkolesin. Did you have a tailor?

Stepan. Was.

Podkolesin. Well, is he sewing a tailcoat?

Stepan. Sews.

Podkolesin. And have you already sewed a lot?

Stepan. Yes, that's enough. I started throwing loops.

Podkolesin. What are you saying?

Stepan. I say: I’ve already started throwing loops.

Podkolesin. But he didn’t ask what the master needed a tailcoat for?

Stepan. No, I didn't ask.

Podkolesin. Maybe he was saying if the master wanted to get married?

Stepan. No, I didn't say anything.

Podkolesin. Have you seen, however, he has other tailcoats? After all, he also sews for others?

Stepan. Yes, he has a lot of tailcoats hanging around.

Podkolesin. However, surely the cloth on them will be worse than on mine?

Stepan. Yes, it will look better than what’s on yours.

Podkolesin. What are you saying?

Stepan. I say: this is a closer look at what’s on yours.

Podkolesin. Fine. Well, he didn’t ask: why does the master sew a tailcoat from such thin cloth?

Stepan. No.

Podkolesin. Didn’t say anything about not wanting to get married?

Stepan. No, I didn’t talk about that.

Podkolesin. However, you said what is my rank and where do I serve?

Stepan. Told you.

Podkolesin. What does he have to do with this?

Stepan. He says: I will try.

Podkolesin. Fine. Now go.

Stepan leaves.

SCENE III

Podkolesin one.

I am of the opinion that a black tailcoat is somehow more respectable. Colored people are more suitable for secretaries, titular and other small fry, something milky. Those of higher rank should observe more, as they say, this... I forgot the word! and a good word, but I forgot. Yes, father, no matter how you turn it around, the court councilor is the same colonel, except that the uniform is without epaulettes. Hey Stepan!

PHENOMENA IV

Podkolesin, Stepan.

Podkolesin. Did you buy wax?

Stepan. Bought.

Podkolesin. Where did you buy it? In that shop I told you about, on Voznesensky Prospekt?

Stepan. Yes, sir, in the same one.

Podkolesin. Well, is the polish good?

Stepan. Good.

Podkolesin. Have you tried cleaning your boots with it?

Stepan. I tried it.

Podkolesin. Well, does it shine?

Stepan. She sparkles well.

Podkolesin. And when he gave you a polish, he didn’t ask why the master needed such a polish?

Stepan. No.

Podkolesin. Maybe he didn’t say: is the master planning to get married?

Stepan. No, I didn't say anything.

Podkolesin. Well, okay, go ahead.

PHENOMENA V

Podkolesin one.

It seems that boots are an empty thing, but, however, if they are poorly made and have red polish, there will not be such respect in good society. Everything is somehow not right... It’s even disgusting if you have calluses. I’m ready to endure God knows what, just to avoid blisters. Hey Stepan!

SCENE VI

Podkolesin, Stepan.

Stepan. What do you want?

Podkolesin. Did you tell the shoemaker not to have calluses?

Stepan. Said.

Podkolesin. What is he saying?

Stepan. He says okay.

Stepan leaves.

SCENE VII

Podkolesin, Then Stepan.

Podkolesin. But marriage is a troublesome thing, damn it! This, yes that, yes this. So that it would work properly - no, damn it, it’s not as easy as they say. Hey Stepan!

Stepan enters.

I also wanted to tell you...

Stepan. The old woman came.

Podkolesin. Ah, she came; call her here.

Stepan leaves.

Yes, this is a thing... a wrong thing... a difficult thing.

SCENE VIII

Podkolesin And Thekla.

Podkolesin. Ah, hello, hello, Fekla Ivanovna. Well? How? Take a chair, sit down, and tell me. Well, so how, how? What do you call her: Melania?..

Thekla. Agafya Tikhonovna.

Podkolesin. Yes, yes, Agafya Tikhonovna. And right, some forty-year-old maiden?

Thekla. No, no, no. That is, once you get married, you will begin to praise and thank every day.

Podkolesin. You're lying, Fekla Ivanovna.

Thekla. I am too old, my father, to lie; the dog is lying.

Podkolesin. What about the dowry, the dowry? Tell me again.

Thekla. And the dowry: a stone house in the Moscow part, about two buildings, so profitable that it is truly a pleasure. One meadowsweet shopkeeper pays seven hundred for a shop. The beer cellar also attracts a large crowd. Two wooden khligers: one khliger is completely wooden, the other is on a stone foundation; Every ruble brings in four hundred income. There is also a vegetable garden on the Vyborg side: for the third year a merchant hired a vegetable garden for cabbage; and such a merchant is sober, does not take anything drunk at all, and has three sons: he has already married two, “and the third, he says, is still young, let him sit in the shop so that it will be easier to carry out trade. “I’m already old,” he says, “so let my son sit in the shop so that trade will go easier.”

Podkolesin. Yes, what is it like?

Thekla. Like refinate! White, ruddy, like blood with milk, such a sweetness that it is impossible to describe. You'll be happy from now on (points to throat); that is, you will say to both friend and enemy: “Oh, Fekla Ivanovna, thank you!”

Podkolesin. But she’s not a staff officer, is she?

Thekla. The merchant of the third guild is the daughter. Yes, such a thing that it wouldn’t cause any offense to the general. He doesn’t even want to hear about the merchant. “To me,” he says, “no matter what kind of husband he is, even if he is unprepossessing in appearance, he would be a nobleman.” Yes, such a great thing! And on Sunday, as soon as he puts on a silk dress, that’s how Christ makes a noise. Simply princess!

Podkolesin. But that’s why I asked you because I’m a court councilor, so I, you know...

Thekla. Yes, it’s common, how can one not understand. We also had a court councilor, but they refused: they didn’t like him. He had such a strange disposition: no matter what he said, he would lie, and he looked so distinguished. What to do, God gave him. He himself is not happy, but he really can’t help but lie. This is God's will.

Podkolesin. Well, are there any others besides this one?

Thekla. But which one do you want? This is by far the best.

Podkolesin. Like it's the best?

Thekla. Even if you go all over the world, you won’t find one like this.

Podkolesin. Let's think, think, mother. Come back the day after tomorrow. You and I, you know, it’s like this again: I’ll lie down and you’ll tell me...

Thekla. Have mercy, father! I’ve been coming to see you for three months now, but it’s not of any use. Everyone is sitting in a dressing gown and smoking a pipe.

Podkolesin. And you probably think that marriage is the same as “hey, Stepan, give me your boots!” Did you put it on your feet and go? We need to judge and consider.

Thekla. Well, so what? If you look, just look. This is a product to look at. Just order the caftan to be served now, fortunately it’s morning, and go.

Podkolesin. Now? But you see how cloudy it is. I’ll leave, and suddenly it’s going to rain.

Thekla. But you feel bad! After all, you can already see the gray hairs in your head; soon you will not be fit for marriage at all. It’s incredible that he’s a court advisor! Yes, we will take away such suitors that we won’t even look at you.

Podkolesin. What kind of nonsense are you talking about? Why did you suddenly manage to say that I have gray hair? Where is the gray hair? (Feels his hair.)

Thekla. How to avoid gray hair is what a person lives for. Look! You can’t please him with this one, you can’t please him with the other one. Yes, I have a captain in mind that you won’t even fit under his shoulder, but he says you’re like a pipe; serves in algalantierism.

Podkolesin. Yes, you're lying, I'll look in the mirror; where did you come up with gray hair? Hey, Stepan, bring a mirror! Or no, wait, I'll go myself. God forbid. It's worse than smallpox. (He goes into another room.)

SCENE IX

Thekla And Kochkarev, running in.

Kochkarev. What is Podkolesin?.. (Seeing Thekla.) How are you here? Oh, you!.. Well, listen, why the hell did you marry me?

Thekla. What's wrong? He fulfilled the law.

Kochkarev. He fulfilled the law! What a surprise, wife! Couldn't I do without her?

Thekla. But you’re the one who bothered me: get married, grandma, and that’s it.

Kochkarev. Oh, you old rat!.. Well, why here? Does Podkolesin really want...

Thekla. So what? God sent grace.

Kochkarev. No! Ek bastard, because I don’t care about this. What! I humbly ask: a secret?

PHENOMEN X

The same and Podkolesin with a mirror in his hands, into which he peers very carefully.

Kochkarev (creeping up from behind, scares him). Poof!

Podkolesin (screaming and dropping the mirror). Crazy! Well, why, why... Well, what nonsense! I got scared right, so my soul is out of place.

Kochkarev. Well, nothing, just joking.

Podkolesin. What kind of jokes did you have in mind? I still can’t wake up from fright. And he broke the mirror over there. After all, this thing is not free: it was bought in an English store.

Kochkarev. Well, that's enough: I'll find you another mirror.

Podkolesin. Yes, you will find it. I know these other mirrors. A whole dozen seem older, and the mug comes out in a shoal.

Kochkarev. Listen, I should be more angry with you. You hide everything from me, your friend. Are you planning to get married?

Podkolesin. That's nonsense: I didn't think about it at all.

Kochkarev. But the evidence is there. (Points to Thekla.) After all, standing there, we know what kind of bird it is. Well, nothing, nothing. There is nothing like that here. It is a Christian cause, necessary even for the fatherland. If you please, if you please: I take charge of all matters. (To Thekla.) Well, tell me, how, what and so on? A noblewoman, an official, or a merchant, or what - and what is their name?

Thekla. Agafya Tikhonovna.

Kochkarev. Agafya Tikhonovna Brandahlystova?

Thekla. But no - Kuperdyagina.

Kochkarev. Does he live in Shestilavochnaya?

Thekla. No way; It will be closer to Sands, in Mylny Lane.

Kochkarev. Well, yes, in Soap Lane, right behind the bench is a wooden house?

Thekla. And not behind a bench, but behind a beer cellar.

Kochkarev. What about going to a beer - I don’t know.

Thekla. But when you turn into the alley, there will be a booth right in front of you, and as you pass the booth, turn left, and right in your face - that is, right in your face there will be a wooden house where the seamstress lives, who used to live with Senate Chief Seklekhtar. Don’t go to the seamstress, but now there will be a second house behind her, a stone one - this house is hers, in which, that is, she lives, Agafya Tikhonovna, the bride.

Kochkarev. Good good. Now I'll finish it all off; and you go, you are no longer needed.

Thekla. How so? Do you really want to run the wedding yourself?

Kochkarev. By myself; Just don't get in the way.

Thekla. Oh, what a shameless fellow! But this is not a man's business. Give up, father, really!

Kochkarev. Go, go. If you don't understand anything, don't interfere! Know, cricket, your nest - get out!

Thekla. Just to take bread from people, such an atheist! I got involved in such rubbish. If I knew, I wouldn't say anything. (Leaves in annoyance.)

SCENE XI

Podkolesin And Kochkarev.

Kochkarev. Well, brother, this matter cannot be postponed. Let's go.

Podkolesin. But I’m nothing yet. I just thought...

Kochkarev. Nonsense, nonsense! Just don’t be embarrassed: I’ll marry you so that you won’t even hear. We are going to the bride right now, and you will see how suddenly everything is.

Podkolesin. Here's another! Let's go now!

Kochkarev. But what, for mercy, what’s the matter?.. Well, consider for yourself: what does it matter if you’re unmarried? Look at your room. Well, what's in it? There's an uncleaned boot standing there, there's a basin for washing, there's a pile of tobacco on the table, and you're lying like a bobblehead on your side all day.

Podkolesin. This is true. I have order, I know myself that there is no order.

Kochkarev. Well, when you have a wife, you simply won’t recognize yourself, you won’t recognize anything: here you will have a sofa, a little dog, some little siskin in a cage, handicrafts... And imagine, you’re sitting on the sofa, and suddenly a little girl will sit next to you , such a pretty one, and with your hand...

Podkolesin. And, damn, just think, really, what kind of pens there really are. It's as simple as milk, brother.

Kochkarev. Where are you going? It’s as if they just had hands!.. They, brother... Well, what can I say! Brother, they just don’t have God knows what.

Podkolesin. But to tell you the truth, I love it if a pretty girl sits next to me.

Kochkarev. Well, you see, I figured it out myself. Now you just need to make arrangements. You don't have to worry about anything. Wedding dinner and so on - that’s all me... There’s no way there’s less than one dozen champagne, brother, it’s just the way you want it. There are also half a dozen bottles of Madeira. The bride probably has a bunch of aunties and gossips - they don’t like to joke. And Rhine wine - to hell with it, isn't it? A? And as for lunch, brother, I have a court waiter in mind: the dog will feed you so much that you simply won’t get up.

Podkolesin. For mercy's sake, you're getting so excited, it's as if it's really a wedding.

Kochkarev. Why not? Why put it off? After all, you agree?

Podkolesin. I? Well, no... I don't quite agree yet.

Kochkarev. Here you go! But you just announced what you want.

Podkolesin. I only said that it would not be bad.

Kochkarev. How, have mercy! Yes, we really had the whole thing... So what? Don't you like married life, or what?

Podkolesin. No... I like it.

Kochkarev. Well, so what? What was the matter?

Podkolesin. Yes, the matter came to nothing, but only strange...

Kochkarev. Why is it strange?

Podkolesin. Isn’t it strange: he was always unmarried, and now suddenly he’s married.

Kochkarev. Well, well... well, aren't you ashamed? No, I see that I need to speak to you seriously: I will speak frankly, like father and son. Well, look, look at yourself carefully, for example, the way you look at me now. Well, what are you now? After all, it’s just a log, you don’t have any meaning. Well, what do you live for? Well, look in the mirror, what do you see there? stupid face - nothing more. And here, imagine, there will be kids next to you, not just two or three, but maybe as many as six, and all of them are like two peas in a pod. Now you’re alone, a court councilor, a freight forwarder, or some kind of boss, God knows, and then, imagine, there are little freight forwarders around you, little little channels of sorts, and some youngster, with outstretched little arms, will tug at your sideburns, and you’ll just be to him like a dog: aw, aw, aw! Well, is there anything better than this, tell me yourself?

Podkolesin. But they are just big naughty people: they will ruin everything, scatter papers.

Kochkarev. Let them play pranks, but everyone looks like you - that’s the thing.

Podkolesin. And it’s actually even funny, damn it: he’s such a chubby guy, a puppy of sorts, and he looks just like you.

Kochkarev. No matter how funny it is, of course it’s funny. Well, let's go then.

Podkolesin. Perhaps we'll go.

Kochkarev. Hey Stepan! Let your master get dressed quickly.

Podkolesin (getting dressed in front of the mirror). I think, however, that it would be necessary to wear a white vest.

Kochkarev. No big deal, no matter.

Podkolesin (putting on collars). Damn washerwoman, she starched her collars so badly - they just don’t stand up. You tell her, Stepan, that if she, stupid, irons clothes like that, then I will hire someone else. She probably spends time with her lovers, not petting them.

Kochkarev. Come on, brother, hurry up! How you dig!

Podkolesin. Now. (Puts on a tailcoat and sits down.) Listen, Ilya Fomich. Do you know what? Go yourself.

Kochkarev. Well, here's another thing; are you crazy? I have to go! Which one of us is getting married: you or me?

Podkolesin. Really, I don’t want something; better tomorrow.

Kochkarev. Well, do you have any sense in you? Well, aren't you a fool? I got ready completely, and suddenly: no need! Well, please tell me, aren’t you a pig, aren’t you a scoundrel after this?

Podkolesin. Well, why are you scolding? why on earth? what did I do to you?

Kochkarev. You're a fool, a complete fool, everyone will tell you that. Stupid, just stupid, even though he’s a freight forwarder. After all, what am I trying to do? About your benefit; because they will lure the bite out of your mouth. Lying down, damned bachelor! Well, please tell me, what are you like? Well, well, rubbish, cap, I would say such a word... but it’s only indecent. Woman! worse than a woman!

Podkolesin. And you are good at your best! (Sotto voce.) Are you out of your mind? There is a serf standing here, and he is swearing in front of him, and even with such words; couldn't find another place.

Kochkarev. How can I not scold you, please tell me? Who can not scold you? Who has the courage not to scold you? As a decent person, I decided to get married, followed prudence and suddenly - just foolishly, I ate too much henbane, a block of wood...

Podkolesin. Hey, that's enough, I'm on my way - why are you shouting?

Kochkarev. I'm on my way! Of course, what else to do but go! (To Stepan.) Give him a hat and overcoat.

Podkolesin (in the door). Such a strange man indeed! There’s no way you can get along with him: he’ll suddenly scold him for no reason at all. Doesn't understand any appeal.

Kochkarev. Yes, it’s over, now I don’t scold.

Both leave.

SCENE XII

A room in Agafya Tikhonovna's house.

Agafya Tikhonovna lays out the cards, the aunt looks from behind her hand Arina Panteleimonovna.

Agafya Tikhonovna. Again, auntie, the road! Interested in some king of diamonds, tears, love letter; on the left side the club shows great sympathy, but some villain is in the way.

Arina Panteleimonovna. Who do you think the king of clubs is?

Agafya Tikhonovna. Don't know.

Arina Panteleimonovna. And I know who.

Agafya Tikhonovna. Who?

Arina Panteleimonovna. And a good trader on the cloth line is Alexey Dmitrievich Starikov.

Agafya Tikhonovna. That's certainly not him! At least I bet, not him.

Arina Panteleimonovna. Don’t argue, Agafya Tikhonovna, my hair is so brown. There is no other king of clubs.

Agafya Tikhonovna. But no: the king of clubs here means a nobleman. The merchant is far from the king of clubs.

Arina Panteleimonovna. Eh, Agafya Tikhonovna, that’s not what you would have said; as if dead, Tikhon, your father, Panteleimonovich was alive. It happened that he would hit the table with all his five fingers and scream: “I don’t care,” he says, about the one who is ashamed to be a merchant; Yes, I won’t give my daughter away to the colonel, he says. Let others do them! And, he says, I won’t give up my son to serve. What, he says, doesn’t a merchant serve the sovereign just like anyone else?” Yes, that’s enough for all five of us on the table. And a hand the size of a bucket - such passions! After all, if you tell the truth, he gave your mother sugar, and the deceased would have lived longer.

Agafya Tikhonovna. Well, I wish I could still have such an evil husband! I will never marry a merchant!

Arina Panteleimonovna. But Alexey Dmitrievich is not like that.

Agafya Tikhonovna. I don't want, I don't want! He has a beard: if he eats, everything will flow down his beard. No, no, I don't want to!

Arina Panteleimonovna. But where can you get a good nobleman? After all, you won’t find him on the street.

Agafya Tikhonovna. Fekla Ivanovna will find it. She promised to find the best.

Arina Panteleimonovna. But she is a liar, my light.

SCENE XIII

The same Thekla.

Thekla. But no, Arina Panteleimonovna, it’s a sin for you to slander in vain.

Agafya Tikhonovna. Oh, this is Fekla Ivanovna! Well, tell me, tell me! Eat?

Thekla. Yes, yes, just let me gather my courage first - I’m so busy! On your commission I went to all the houses, to the offices, to the ministries, I was worn out, I hung out in the guardhouses... Do you know, my mother, I was almost killed, by God! The old woman who married the Aferovs came to me like this: “You are this and that, you just break bread, know your quarter,” she says. “Well,” I said bluntly, “I’m ready to satisfy everything for my young lady, don’t be angry.” But what kind of suitors she has in store for you! That is, the light has stood and will continue to stand, but there have never been others like it! Today others will arrive. I came in on purpose to preface you.

Agafya Tikhonovna. What about today? My soul Fekla Ivanovna, I am afraid.

Thekla. And don’t be afraid, my mother! an everyday matter. They will come and have a look, nothing else. And you look at them: if they don’t like them, they’ll leave.

Arina Panteleimonovna. Well, tea, I’ve lured the good ones!

Agafya Tikhonovna. How many are there? a lot of?

Thekla. Yes, there are six people.

Agafya Tikhonovna (screams). Wow!

Thekla. Well, why did you, my mother, fly up like that? It’s better to choose: one you won’t have to do, the other you will have to.

Agafya Tikhonovna. What are they: nobles?

Thekla. Everything is as chosen. There are such nobles that there have never been others like them.

Agafya Tikhonovna. Well, which ones, which ones?

Thekla. And the nice ones are all so good, neat. The first Baltazar Baltazarovich Zhevakin, such a nice guy, served in the navy - he’ll be just right for you. He says that he needs the bride to be in body, and he doesn’t like crispy ones at all. And Ivan Pavlovich, who serves as the executor, is so important that there is no attack. So prominent and fat; how he screams at me: “Don’t talk nonsense to me about the bride being this and that! Can you tell me straight out how much is movable and immovable behind it? - “So much and so much, my father!” - “You’re lying, dog’s daughter!” Moreover, my mother, I pasted in such a word that it would be indecent to say to you. I immediately realized: oh, yes, this must be an important gentleman.

An absolutely incredible event in two acts

Written in 1833

Characters

Agafya Tikhonovna, merchant's daughter, bride. Arina Panteleimonovna, aunt. Fekla Ivanovna, matchmaker. Podkolesin, employee, court councilor. Kochkarev, his friend. Scrambled eggs, executor. Anuchkin, retired infantry officer. Zhevakin, sailor. Dunyashka, the girl in the house. Starikov, hotel palace. Stepan, Podkolesin's servant.

Act one

Phenomenon I

Bachelor's room.

Podkolesin is alone, lying on the sofa with a pipe.

This is how you start thinking alone in your spare time, and you see that you finally definitely need to get married. What, really? You live and live, but it finally becomes so bad. The meat eater missed it again. But it seems that everything is ready, and the matchmaker has been going around for three months now. Really, I somehow feel ashamed myself. Hey Stepan!

Phenomenon II

Podkolesin, Stepan.

Podkolesin. The matchmaker didn't come? Stepan. No way. Podkolesin. Did you have a tailor? Stepan. Was. Podkolesin. Well, is he sewing a tailcoat? Stepan. Sews. Podkolesin. And have you already sewed a lot? Stepan. Yes, that's enough. I started throwing loops. Stepan. I say: I’ve already started throwing loops. Podkolesin. But he didn’t ask what the master needed a tailcoat for? Stepan. No, I didn't ask. Podkolesin. Maybe he was saying if the master wanted to get married? Podkolesin. Have you seen, however, he has other tailcoats? After all, he also sews for others? Stepan. Yes, he has a lot of tailcoats hanging around. Podkolesin. However, surely the cloth on them will be worse than on mine? Stepan. Yes, it will look better than what’s on yours. Podkolesin. What are you saying? Stepan. I say: this is a closer look at what’s on yours. Podkolesin. Fine. Well, he didn’t ask: why does the master sew a tailcoat from such thin cloth? Stepan. No. Podkolesin. Didn’t say anything about not wanting to get married? Stepan. No, I didn’t talk about that. Podkolesin. However, you said what is my rank and where do I serve? Stepan. Told you. Podkolesin. What does he have to do with this? Stepan. He says: I will try. Podkolesin. Fine. Now go.

Stepan leaves.

Scene III

There is only one podkolesin.

I am of the opinion that a black tailcoat is somehow more respectable. Colored people are more suitable for secretaries, titular and other small fry, something milky. Those of higher rank should observe more, as they say, this... I forgot the word! and a good word, but I forgot. Yes, father, no matter how you turn it around, the court councilor is the same colonel, except that the uniform is without epaulettes. Hey Stepan!

Phenomenon IV

Podkolesin, Stepan.

Podkolesin. Did you buy wax? Stepan. Bought. Podkolesin. Where did you buy it? In that shop I told you about, on Voznesensky Prospekt? Stepan. Yes, sir, in the same one. Podkolesin. Well, is the polish good? Stepan. Good. Podkolesin. Have you tried cleaning your boots with it? Stepan. I tried it. Podkolesin. Well, does it shine? Stepan. She sparkles well. Podkolesin. And when he gave you a polish, he didn’t ask why the master needed such a polish? Stepan. No. Podkolesin. Maybe he didn’t say: is the master planning to get married? Stepan. No, I didn't say anything. Podkolesin. Well, okay, go ahead.

Phenomenon V

There is only one podkolesin.

It seems that boots are an empty thing, but, however, if they are poorly made and have red polish, there will not be such respect in good society. Everything is somehow not right... It’s even disgusting if you have calluses. I’m ready to endure God knows what, as long as I don’t get blisters. Hey Stepan!

Scene VI

Podkolesin, Stepan.

Stepan. What do you want? Podkolesin. Did you tell the shoemaker not to have calluses? Stepan. Said. Podkolesin. What is he saying? Stepan. He says okay.

Stepan leaves.

Scene VII

Podkolesin, then Stepan.

Podkolesin. But marriage is a troublesome thing, damn it! This, yes that, yes this. So that it would work properly - no, damn it, it’s not as easy as they say. Hey Stepan!

Stepan enters.

I also wanted to tell you...

Stepan. The old woman came. Podkolesin. Ah, she came; call her here.

Stepan leaves.

Yes, this is a thing... a wrong thing... a difficult thing.

Scene VIII

Podkolesin and Fekla.

Podkolesin. Ah, hello, hello, Fekla Ivanovna. Well? How? Take a chair, sit down, and tell me. Well, so how, how? What, you mean, is her name: Melania?.. Thekla. Agafya Tikhonovna. Podkolesin. Yes, yes, Agafya Tikhonovna. And right, some forty-year-old maiden? Thekla. No, no, no. That is, when you get married, you will begin to praise and thank every day. Podkolesin. You're lying, Fekla Ivanovna. Thekla. I am too old, my father, to lie; the dog is lying. Podkolesin. What about the dowry, the dowry? Tell me again. Thekla. And the dowry: a stone house in the Moscow part, about two buildings, so profitable that it is truly a pleasure. One meadowsweet shopkeeper pays seven hundred for a shop. The beer cellar also attracts a large crowd. Two wooden khligers: one khliger is completely wooden, the other is on a stone foundation; Every ruble brings in four hundred income. There is also a vegetable garden on the Vyborg side: for the third year a merchant hired a vegetable garden for cabbage; and such a merchant is sober, does not take anything drunk at all, and has three sons: he has already married two, “and the third, he says, is still young, let him sit in the shop so that it will be easier to carry out trade. “I’m already old,” he says, “so let my son sit in the shop so that trade will go easier.” Podkolesin. Yes, what is it like? Thekla. Like refinate! White, ruddy, like blood with milk, such a sweetness that it is impossible to describe. You'll be happy from now on (points to throat); that is, you will say to both friend and enemy: “Oh, Fekla Ivanovna, thank you!” Podkolesin. But she’s not a staff officer, is she? Thekla. The merchant of the third guild is the daughter. Yes, such a thing that it wouldn’t cause any offense to the general. He doesn’t even want to hear about the merchant. “To me,” he says, “no matter what kind of husband he is, even if he is unprepossessing in appearance, he would be a nobleman.” Yes, such a great thing! And for Sunday, as soon as he puts on a silk dress, that’s how Christ makes a noise. Simply princess! Podkolesin. But that’s why I asked you because I’m a court councilor, so I, you know... Thekla. Yes, it’s completely new, how can you not understand. We also had a court councilor, but they refused: they didn’t like him. He had such a strange disposition: no matter what he said, he would lie, and he looked so distinguished. What to do, that’s what God gave him. He himself is not happy, but he really can’t help but lie. This is the will of God. Podkolesin. Well, are there any others besides this one? Thekla. But which one do you want? This is by far the best. Podkolesin. Like it's the best? Thekla. Even if you go all over the world, you won’t find one like this. Podkolesin. Let's think, think, mother. Come back the day after tomorrow. You and I, you know, it’s like this again: I’ll lie down and you’ll tell me... Thekla. Have mercy, father! I’ve been coming to see you for three months now, but it’s of no use. Everyone is sitting in a dressing gown and smoking a pipe. Podkolesin. And you probably think that marriage is the same as “hey, Stepan, give me your boots!” He pulled it on his feet and went? We need to judge and consider. Thekla. Well, so what? If you look, just look. This is a product to look at. Just order the caftan to be served now, fortunately it’s morning, and go. Podkolesin. Now? And look how cloudy it is. I’ll leave, and suddenly it’s going to rain. Thekla. But you feel bad! After all, you can already see the gray hairs in your head; soon you will not be fit for marriage at all. It’s incredible that he’s a court advisor! Yes, we will take away such suitors that we won’t even look at you. Podkolesin. What kind of nonsense are you talking about? Why did you suddenly manage to say that I have gray hair? Where is the gray hair? (Feels his hair.) Thekla. How to avoid gray hair is what a person lives for. Look! You can’t please him with this one, you can’t please him with the other one. Yes, I have a captain in mind that you won’t even fit under his shoulder, but he says you’re like a pipe; serves in algalantierism. Podkolesin. Yes, you're lying, I'll look in the mirror; where did you come up with gray hair? Hey, Stepan, bring a mirror! Or no, wait, I'll go myself. Here's another one, God forbid. It's worse than smallpox. (He goes into another room.)

Scene IX

Fekla and Kochkarev, running in.

Kochkarev. What is Podkolesin?.. (Seeing Fyokla.) How are you here? Oh, you!.. Well, listen, why the hell did you marry me? Thekla. What's wrong? He fulfilled the law. Kochkarev. He fulfilled the law! What a surprise, wife! Couldn't I do without her? Thekla. But you’re the one who bothered me: get married, grandma, and that’s it. Kochkarev. Oh, you old rat!.. Well, why here? Does Podkolesin really want... Thekla. So what? God sent grace. Kochkarev. No! Ek bastard, because I don’t care about this. What! I humbly ask: a little sneaky, eh?

Event X

Podkolesin is the same with a mirror in his hands, into which he peers very carefully.

Kochkarev (creeping up from behind, scares him). Poof! Podkolesin (screaming and dropping the mirror). Crazy! Well, why, why... What nonsense! I really scared him so much that his soul was out of place. Kochkarev. Well, nothing, just joking. Podkolesin. What kind of jokes did you have in mind? I still can’t wake up from fright. And he broke the mirror over there. After all, this thing is not free: it was bought in an English store. Kochkarev. Well, that's enough: I'll find you another mirror. Podkolesin. Yes, you will find it. I know these other mirrors. A whole dozen seem older, and the mug comes out in a shoal. Kochkarev. Listen, I should be more angry with you. You hide everything from me, your friend. Are you planning to get married? Podkolesin. That's nonsense: I didn't think about it at all. Kochkarev. But the evidence is there. (Points to Thekla.) After all, standing there, we know what kind of bird it is. Well, nothing, nothing. There is nothing like that here. It is a Christian cause, necessary even for the fatherland. If you please, if you please: I take charge of all matters. (To Fekla.) Well, tell me how, what, and so on? A noblewoman, an official or a merchant, or what, and what is their name? Thekla. Agafya Tikhonovna. Kochkarev. Agafya Tikhonovna Brandahlystova? Thekla. But no - Kuperdyagina. Kochkarev. Does he live in Shestilavochnaya? Thekla. No way; It will be closer to Sands, in Mylny Lane. Kochkarev. Well, yes, in Soap Lane, right behind the bench is a wooden house? Thekla. And not behind a bench, but behind a beer cellar. Kochkarev. What about at the pub? I don’t know. Thekla. But as you turn into the alley, there will be a booth right in front of you, and as you pass the booth, turn left, and right in your face - that is, right in your face there will be a wooden house where the seamstress lives, who used to live with Senate Oberseklekhtar. Don’t go to the seamstress, but now there will be a second house behind her, a stone one - this house is hers, in which, that is, she lives, Agafya Tikhonovna, the bride. Kochkarev. Good good. Now I'll finish it all off; and you go, you are no longer needed. Thekla. How so? Do you really want to run the wedding yourself? Kochkarev. By myself; Just don't get in the way. Thekla. Oh, what a shameless fellow! But this is not a man's business. Give up, father, really! Kochkarev. Go, go. If you don't understand anything, don't interfere! Know your nest, cricket, get out! Thekla. Just to take bread from people, such an atheist! I got involved in such rubbish. If I knew, I wouldn't say anything. (Leaves in annoyance.)

Scene XI

Podkolesin and Kochkarev.

Kochkarev. Well, brother, this matter cannot be postponed. Let's go. Podkolesin. But I’m nothing yet. I just thought... Kochkarev. Nonsense, nonsense! Just don’t be embarrassed: I’ll marry you so that you won’t even hear. We are going to the bride right now, and you will see how suddenly everything is. Podkolesin. Here's another! Let's go now! Kochkarev. But what, for mercy, what’s the matter?.. Well, consider for yourself: what does it matter if you’re unmarried? Look at your room. Well, what's in it? There’s an uncleaned boot, there’s a basin for washing, there’s a whole heap of tobacco on the table, and here you are, lying like a bobcat, on your side all day. Podkolesin. This is true. I have order, I know myself that there is no order. Kochkarev. Well, when you have a wife, you simply won’t recognize yourself, you won’t recognize anything: here you will have a sofa, a little dog, some little siskin in a cage, handicrafts... And, imagine, you’re sitting on the sofa, and suddenly... A pretty little babe will sit down with you and hold your hand. Podkolesin. And, damn, just think, really, what kind of pens there really are. It's as simple as milk, brother. Kochkarev. Where are you going? It’s as if they just had hands!.. They, brother... Well, what can I say! Brother, they just don’t have God knows what. Podkolesin. But to tell you the truth, I love it if a pretty girl sits next to me. Kochkarev. Well, you see, I figured it out myself. Now you just need to make arrangements. You don't have to worry about anything. Wedding dinner and so on - that's all me... There's no way there's less than one dozen champagne, brother, it's just the way you want it. There are also half a dozen bottles of Madeira. The bride probably has a bunch of aunties and gossips - they don’t like to joke. And to hell with Rhine wine, right? A? And as for lunch, brother, I have a court waiter in mind: the dog will feed you so much that you simply won’t get up. Podkolesin. For mercy's sake, you're getting so excited, it's as if it's really a wedding. Kochkarev. Why not? Why put it off? After all, you agree? Podkolesin. I? Well, no... I don't quite agree yet. Kochkarev. Here you go! But you just announced what you want. Podkolesin. I only said that it would not be bad. Kochkarev. How, have mercy! Yes, we really had the whole thing... So what? Don't you like married life, or what? Podkolesin. No... I like it. Kochkarev. Well, so what? What was the matter? Podkolesin. Yes, the matter came to nothing, it was just strange... Kochkarev. Why is it strange? Podkolesin. How strange it is: he was always unmarried, and now suddenly he’s married. Kochkarev. Well, well... well, aren't you ashamed? No, I see that I need to speak to you seriously: I will speak frankly, like father and son. Well, look, look at yourself carefully, for example, the way you look at me now. Well, what are you now? After all, it’s just a log, you don’t have any meaning. Well, what do you live for? Well, look in the mirror, what do you see there? stupid face - nothing more. And here, imagine, there will be kids next to you, not just two or three, but maybe as many as six, and all of them are like two peas in a pod. Now you are alone, a court councilor, a freight forwarder, or some kind of boss, God knows, and then, imagine, around you there are little freight forwarders, small little channels of sorts, and some little shooter, with outstretched little arms, will pull you by the sideburns, and you will just to him like a dog: aw, aw, aw! Well, is there anything better than this, tell me yourself? Podkolesin. But they are just big naughty people: they will ruin everything, scatter papers. Kochkarev. Let them play pranks, but everyone looks like you - that’s the thing. Podkolesin. And it’s actually even funny, damn it: he’s such a chubby guy, a puppy of sorts, and he looks just like you. Kochkarev. No matter how funny it is, of course it’s funny. Well, let's go then. Podkolesin. Perhaps we'll go. Kochkarev. Hey Stepan! Let your master get dressed quickly. Podkolesin (getting dressed in front of the mirror). I think, however, that it would be necessary to wear a white vest. Kochkarev. No big deal, no matter. Podkolesin (putting on collars). Damn washerwoman, she starched her collars so badly - they just don’t stand up. You tell her, Stepan, that if she, stupid, irons clothes like that, then I will hire someone else. She probably spends time with her lovers, not petting them. Kochkarev. Come on, brother, hurry up! How you dig! Podkolesin. Now. (Puts on a tailcoat and sits down.) Listen, Ilya Fomich. Do you know what? Go yourself. Kochkarev. Well, here's another thing; are you crazy? I have to go! Which one of us is getting married: you or me? Podkolesin. Really, I don’t want something; better tomorrow. Kochkarev. Well, do you have any sense in you? Well, aren't you a fool? I got ready completely, and suddenly: no need! Well, please tell me, aren’t you a pig, aren’t you a scoundrel after this? Podkolesin. Well, why are you scolding? why on earth? what did I do to you? Kochkarev. You're a fool, a complete fool, everyone will tell you that. Stupid, just stupid, even though he’s a freight forwarder. After all, what am I trying to do? About your benefit; because they will lure the bite out of your mouth. Lying down, damned bachelor! Well, please tell me, what are you like? Well, well, rubbish, cap, I would say such a word... but it’s only indecent. Woman! worse than a woman! Podkolesin. And you are really good! (In a low voice.) Are you out of your mind? There is a serf standing here, and he is swearing in front of him, and even with such words; couldn't find another place. Kochkarev. How can I not scold you, please tell me? Who can not scold you? Who has the courage not to scold you? As a decent person, I decided to get married, followed prudence and suddenly - just foolishly, I ate too much henbane, a block of wood... Podkolesin. Well, that's enough, I'm on my way - why are you shouting? Kochkarev. I'm on my way! Of course, what else to do but go! (To Stepan.) Give him a hat and an overcoat. Podkolesin (in the doors). Such a strange man indeed! There’s no way you can get along with him: he’ll suddenly scold him for no reason at all. Doesn't understand any appeal. Kochkarev. Yes, it’s over, now I don’t scold.

Both leave.

Scene XII

A room in Agafya Tikhonovna's house.

Agafya Tikhonovna lays out the cards, the aunt looks from behind her hand Arina Panteleimonovna.

Agafya Tikhonovna. Again, auntie, the road! Interested in some king of diamonds, tears, love letter; on the left side the club shows great sympathy, but some villain is in the way. Arina Panteleimonovna. Who do you think the king of clubs is? Agafya Tikhonovna. Don't know. Arina Panteleimonovna. And I know who. Agafya Tikhonovna. Who? Arina Panteleimonovna. And a good trader on the cloth line is Alexey Dmitrievich Starikov. Agafya Tikhonovna. That's certainly not him! At least I bet, not him. Arina Panteleimonovna. Don’t argue, Agafya Tikhonovna, my hair is so brown. There is no other king of clubs. Agafya Tikhonovna. But no: the king of clubs here means a nobleman. The merchant is far from the king of clubs. Arina Panteleimonovna. Hey, Agafya Tikhonovna, you wouldn’t have said that, as if the dead Tikhon, your father, Panteleimonovich were alive. It happened that he would hit the table with all his five fingers and scream: “I don’t care,” he says, about the one who is ashamed to be a merchant; Yes, I won’t give my daughter away to the colonel, he says. Let others do them! And, he says, I won’t give up my son to serve. What, he says, doesn’t a merchant serve the sovereign just like anyone else?” Yes, all five of us on the table is enough. And a hand the size of a bucket - such passions! After all, if you tell the truth, he gave your mother sugar, and the deceased would have lived longer. Agafya Tikhonovna. Well, I wish I could still have such an evil husband! I will never marry a merchant! Arina Panteleimonovna. But Alexey Dmitrievich is not like that. Agafya Tikhonovna. I don't want, I don't want! He has a beard: if he eats, everything will flow down his beard. No, no, I don't want to! Arina Panteleimonovna. But where can you get a good nobleman? After all, you won’t find him on the street. Agafya Tikhonovna. Fekla Ivanovna will find it. She promised to find the best. Arina Panteleimonovna. But she is a liar, my light.

Scene XIII

The same and Thekla.

Thekla. But no, Arina Panteleimonovna, it’s a sin for you to slander in vain. Agafya Tikhonovna. Oh, this is Fekla Ivanovna! Well, tell me, tell me! Eat? Thekla. Yes, yes, just let me gather my courage first - I’m so busy! On your commission I went to all the houses, to the offices, to the ministries, I was worn out, I hung out in the guardhouses... Do you know, my mother, I was almost killed, by God! The old woman who married the Aferovs came to me like this: “You are this and that, you just break bread, know your quarter,” she says. “Well,” I said bluntly, “I’m ready to satisfy everything for my young lady, don’t be angry.” But what kind of suitors she has in store for you! That is, the light has stood and will continue to stand, but there have never been others like it! Today others will arrive. I came in on purpose to preface you. Agafya Tikhonovna. What about today? My soul Fekla Ivanovna, I am afraid. Thekla. And don’t be afraid, my mother! an everyday matter. They will come and have a look, nothing else. And you look at them: if they don’t like them, they’ll leave. Arina Panteleimonovna. Well, tea, I’ve lured the good ones! Agafya Tikhonovna. How many are there? a lot of? Thekla. Yes, there are six people. Agafya Tikhonovna(screams). Wow! Thekla. Well, why did you, my mother, fly up like that? It’s better to choose: one you won’t have to do, the other you will have to. Agafya Tikhonovna. What are they: nobles? Thekla. Everything is as chosen. There are such nobles that there have never been others like them. Agafya Tikhonovna. Well, which ones, which ones? Thekla. And the nice ones are all so good, neat. The first Baltazar Baltazarovich Zhevakin, such a nice guy, served in the navy - he’ll be just right for you. He says that he needs the bride to be in body, and he doesn’t like crispy ones at all. And Ivan Pavlovich, who serves as the executor, is so important that there is no attack. So prominent and fat; how he screams at me: “Don’t talk nonsense to me about the bride being this and that! Can you tell me straight out how much is movable and immovable behind it? - “So much and so much, my father!” - “You’re lying, dog’s daughter!” Moreover, my mother, I pasted in such a word that it would be indecent to say to you. I immediately realized: oh, yes, this must be an important gentleman. Agafya Tikhonovna. Well, who else? Thekla. And also Nikanor Ivanovich Anuchkin. This is so gigantic! and my lips, my mother, are raspberries, absolutely raspberries! so nice. “I, he says, need the bride to be pretty, well-mannered, and able to speak French.” Yes, a man of subtle behavior, a German thing! But he himself is so slight, and his legs are narrow, thin. Agafya Tikhonovna. No, these delicate ones somehow don’t look right to me... I don’t know... I don’t see anything in them... Thekla. And if you want it tighter, then take Ivan Pavlovich. You couldn't choose anyone better. That gentleman, needless to say, is such a gentleman: few will ever enter these doors, he’s so nice. Agafya Tikhonovna. How old is he? Thekla. And the man is still young: about fifty years old, and not even fifty yet. Agafya Tikhonovna. What's your last name? Thekla. And the last name is Ivan Pavlovich Yaichnitsa. Agafya Tikhonovna. Is this a surname? Thekla. Surname. Agafya Tikhonovna. Oh my God, what a surname! Listen, Feklusha, what will it be like if I marry him and suddenly be called Agafya Tikhonovna Scrambled eggs? God knows what it is! Thekla. And, my mother, in Rus' there are such nicknames that you will only spit and cross yourself if you hear them. And perhaps, if you don’t like the nickname, then take Baltazar Baltazarovich Zhevakin - a glorious groom. Agafya Tikhonovna. What kind of hair does he have? Thekla. Good hair. Agafya Tikhonovna. And the nose? Thekla. Eh... and the nose is good. Everything is in its place. And so nice himself. Just don’t be angry: there’s only one pipe in the apartment, there’s nothing else - no furniture. Agafya Tikhonovna. Who else? Thekla. Akinf Stepanovich Panteleev, an official, a titular councilor, only stutters a little, but he is so modest. Arina Panteleimonovna. What are you all about: an official, an official! Doesn’t he like to drink, so tell me. Thekla. And he drinks, I won’t contradict him, he drinks. What can you do, he is already a titular councilor; but as quiet as silk. Agafya Tikhonovna. Well, no, I don’t want my husband to be a drunkard. Thekla. Your will, my mother! If you don't want one, take the other. However, what’s wrong with the fact that sometimes he drinks too much - after all, he’s not drunk all week: some days he’ll get out sober. Agafya Tikhonovna. Well, who else? Thekla. Yes, there is one more, but only this one... God bless him! These will be cleaner. Agafya Tikhonovna. Well, who is he? Thekla. But I wouldn’t even want to talk about him. He's probably a backyard councilor and wears a buttonhole, but no matter how hard he is to climb, you can't lure him out of the house. Agafya Tikhonovna. Well, who else? After all, there are only five, and you said six. Thekla. Is it really not enough for you yet? Look how suddenly you were taken aback, but Davich was scared. Arina Panteleimonovna. What about them, your nobles? Even though you have six of them, but, really, one merchant will stand up for them all. Thekla. But no, Arina Panteleimonovna. A nobleman will be more respectful. Arina Panteleimonovna. What's the point of respect? But Alexey Dmitrievich, in a sable hat, looks like he’s going to ride in a sleigh... Thekla. And a nobleman will come towards you with apoleta and say: “What are you doing, merchant? get off the road!” Or: “Show me, merchant, velvet the best!” And the merchant: “If you please, father!” - “Take off your hat, ignoramus!” - that's what the nobleman will say. Arina Panteleimonovna. But the merchant, if he wants, will not give the cloth; but the nobleman is naked, and the nobleman has nothing to wear! Thekla. And the nobleman will kill the merchant. Arina Panteleimonovna. And the merchant will go to complain to the police. Thekla. And the nobleman will go to the merchant to the senator. Arina Panteleimonovna. And the merchant to the governor. Thekla. And the nobleman... Arina Panteleimonovna. You're lying, you're lying: a nobleman... The governor is greater than the senakhtor! Talked to a nobleman! and the nobleman, on occasion, also bends his hat...

A bell is heard at the door.

No way, someone is calling.

Thekla. Ahti, it's them! Arina Panteleimonovna. Who are they? Thekla. They... one of the suitors. Agafya Tikhonovna(screams). Wow! Arina Panteleimonovna. Saints, have mercy on us sinners! The room is not tidy at all. (He grabs everything on the table and runs around the room.) Yes, the napkin, the napkin on the table is completely black. Dunyashka, Dunyashka!

Dunyashka appears.

Rather, a clean napkin! (Pulls off a napkin and rushes around the room.)

Agafya Tikhonovna. Oh, auntie, what should I do? I'm almost wearing my shirt! Arina Panteleimonovna. Oh, my mother, run and get dressed quickly! (Runs around the room.)

Dunyashka brings a napkin: the doorbell rings.

Run say “now”!

Dunyashka shouts from afar: “Now!”

Agafya Tikhonovna. Auntie, the dress hasn’t been ironed. Arina Panteleimonovna. Oh, merciful Lord, do not destroy! Put on something else. Thekla (running in). Why aren't you coming? Agafya Tikhonovna, hurry up, my mother!

A call is heard.

Ahti, but he’s still waiting!

Arina Panteleimonovna. Dunyashka, bring him in and ask him to wait.

Dunyashka runs into the hallway and opens the door. Voices are heard: “Are you home?” - “At home, please go to the room.” Everyone is curiously trying to look through the keyhole.

Agafya Tikhonovna(screams). Oh, so fat! Thekla. It's coming, it's coming!

Everyone is running headlong.

Scene XIV

Ivan Pavlovich Scrambled eggs and a girl.

Girl. Wait here. (Leaves.) Fried eggs . Perhaps we should wait, let’s wait, as long as we don’t hesitate. I only left the department for a minute. Suddenly the general gets an idea: “Where is the executor?” - “I went to look for the bride.” So that he doesn’t ask for such a bride... But, however, consider the painting again. (Reads.) “Stone two-story house...” (Raises his eyes up and looks around the room.) Eat! (Continues reading.)“There are two outbuildings: an outbuilding on a stone foundation, a wooden outbuilding...” Well, the wooden one is rather bad. “Droshchiks, paired sleighs with carvings, under a large carpet and under a small one...” Maybe the kind that can be scrapped? The old woman, however, assures that it is first grade; ok, let it be first grade. “Two dozen silver spoons...” Of course, you need silver spoons for your home. “Two fox fur coats...” Hm... “Four large down jackets and two small ones. (Closes his lips significantly.) Six pairs of silk and six pairs of cotton dresses, two night hoods, two...” Well, this article is empty! “Underwear, napkins...” Let it be as she wants. However, you need to believe all this in practice. Now, perhaps, they promise houses and carriages, but when you get married, all you will find is down jackets and feather beds.

A call is heard. Dunyashka runs hastily across the room to open the door. Voices are heard: “Are you home?” - "At home".

Apparition XV

Ivan Pavlovich and Anuchkin.

Dunyashka. Wait here. They will blow out. (Leaves.)

Anuchkin bows to Scrambled eggs.

Fried eggs . My regards! Anuchkin. Is it not the papa of the lovely mistress of the house that I have the honor of speaking to? Fried eggs . No, not at all with daddy. I don't even have children yet. Anuchkin. Ah, sorry! Sorry! Scrambled eggs (to the side). This man’s physiognomy is somehow suspicious to me: he almost came here for the same thing as I did. (Aloud.) You probably have some need for the mistress of the house? Anuchkin. No, well... there’s no need, but just came from a walk. Scrambled eggs (to the side). He's lying, lying, from his walk! The scoundrel wants to get married!

A call is heard. Dunyashka runs across the room to open the door. Voices in the hallway: “At home?” - "At home".

Scene XVI

The same Zhevakin, accompanied by a girl.

Zhevakin (to the girl). Please, darling, clean me... There is a lot of dust on the street, you know. Over there, please take off the fluff. (Turns around.) So! Thank you, darling. Look, it looks like a spider is climbing there! Is there nothing behind the rebounds? Thank you, darling! It's still here, it seems. (Strokes the sleeve of his coat with his hand and glances at Anuchkin and Ivan Pavlovich.) Sukonzo is English after all! After all, what a rush! In 1995, when our squadron was in Sicily, I bought him as a midshipman and sewed a uniform from him; in eight hundred and one, under Pavel Petrovich, I was made a lieutenant - the cloth was completely new; in eight hundred and fourteen he made an expedition around the world, and only the seams were a little worn out; In 1981, he retired, he just changed his face: I’ve been wearing it for ten years and it’s still almost new. Thank you, darling, m... beauty! (He gives her a hand and, going to the mirror, slightly ruffles his hair.) Anuchkin. And how, let me ask, Sicily... you deigned to say: Sicily - is this a good land, Sicily? Zhevakin. Ah, beautiful! We stayed there thirty-four days; The view, let me tell you, is amazing! such mountains, some kind of pomegranate tree, and everywhere there are Italian girls, such little roses, you just want to kiss them. Anuchkin. And well educated? Zhevakin. Excellent way! So educated, like we only have countesses. It used to be that you would walk down the street - well, a Russian lieutenant... Naturally, there are epaulets here (points to shoulders), gold embroidery... and these little black beauties - after all, they have balconies near every house, and the roofs, like this floor, are completely flat. It used to be that you look like this and there’s a little rose sitting there... Well, naturally, so as not to lose face in the dirt... (Bows and waves his hand.) And she's just like that. (Makes a movement with his hand.) Naturally, she’s dressed: here she has some kind of taffeta, some lace, different ladies’ earrings... well, in a word, such a tidbit... Anuchkin. And let me ask you another question: what language do they speak in Sicily? Zhevakin. And of course, everything is in French. Anuchkin. And all the young ladies definitely speak French? Zhevakin. Everything, sir, decisively. You may not even believe what I will report to you: we lived for thirty-four days, and during all this time I did not hear a single word from them in Russian. Anuchkin. Not a single word? Zhevakin. Not a single word. I'm not even talking about nobles and other lords, that is, their various officers; but deliberately take a simple peasant there who carries all sorts of rubbish around his neck, try to tell him: “Give me some bread, brother,” he won’t understand, by God he won’t understand; and say in French: “Dateci del pane” or “portate vino!” - He will understand, and will run, and will definitely bring it. Ivan Pavlovich. And a curious one, however, as I see it, this land must be Sicily. So you said, man: what man, how is he? Is he just as broad-shouldered and plows the land as a Russian peasant, or not? Zhevakin. I can’t tell you: I didn’t notice whether they were plowing or not, but as for snuffing tobacco, I’ll tell you that everyone not only sniffs it, but even puts it on their lip, sir. Transportation is also very cheap; There’s almost everything there’s water and there are gondolas everywhere... Naturally, there’s this little Italian girl sitting there, so pink, dressed in a shirtfront and a scarf... There were also English officers with us; Well, the people, just like ours, are sailors; and at first, it was definitely very strange: you didn’t understand each other, but then, as you got to know each other well, you began to understand freely: if you pointed at a bottle or a glass, he immediately knew what it meant to drink; you put your fist to your mouth and just say with your lips: bang-bang - he knows: smoke a pipe. In general, I will report to you, the language is quite easy, our sailors began to completely understand each other within three days. Ivan Pavlovich. And, as I see, life in foreign lands is very interesting. I am very pleased to meet an experienced person. Let me ask: who do I have the honor of speaking to? Zhevakin. Zhevakin, sir, retired lieutenant. For my part, let me also ask: with whom do I have the good fortune to communicate? Ivan Pavlovich. In the position of executor, Ivan Pavlovich Yaichnitsa. Zhevakin (not having heard it). Yes, I had a snack too. I know there will be quite a road ahead, but the time is a little cold: I ate a herring with some bread. Ivan Pavlovich. No, it seems you misunderstood: this is my last name - Scrambled eggs. Zhevakin (bowing). Ah, sorry! I'm a little hard of hearing. I really thought that you were deigning to say that you ate scrambled eggs. Ivan Pavlovich. So what should I do? I was about to ask the general to allow me to be called Yaichnitsyn, but my people dissuaded me: they say it will look like “son of a dog.” Zhevakin. And this, however, happens. Our entire third squadron, all the officers and sailors, all had strange surnames: Pomoikin, Yaryzhkin, Perepreev, lieutenant. And one midshipman, and even a good midshipman, was simply named Dyrka. And the captain would say: “Hey, Hole, come here!” And it used to be that you would always make fun of him. “Oh, what a hole!” - you used to say to him.

A bell is heard in the hallway, Thekla runs across the room to open the door.

Fried eggs. Oh, hello, mother! Zhevakin. Hello; How are you living, my soul? Anuchkin. Hello, Mother Fekla Ivanovna. Thekla (runs in a hurry). Thank you, my fathers! Healthy, healthy. (Opens the door.)

Scene XVII

The same, Kochkarev, Podkolesin And Thekla.

Kochkarev (Podkolesin). You remember, only courage, and nothing more. (Looks around and bows with some amazement; to himself.) Wow, what a bunch of people! What does it mean? Aren't they grooms? (Pushes Thekla and speaks to her quietly.) Which sides did the crows come from, huh? Thekla (in a low voice). There are no crows for you here, everyone is honest people. Kochkarev (to her). There are countless guests, their caftans are plucked. Thekla. Look at the raid on your flight, and there’s nothing to brag about: a hat worth a ruble, and cabbage soup without croup. Kochkarev. You're probably alive, with a hole in your pocket. (Aloud.) What is she doing now? After all, this door, right, is to her bedroom? (Approaches the door.) Thekla. Shameless! They tell you he’s still getting dressed. Kochkarev. What a disaster! What's wrong with that? After all, I’ll just look, and nothing more. (Looks through the keyhole.) Zhevakin. Let me be curious too. Fried eggs. Let me take a look just once. Kochkarev (continuing to watch). Yes, nothing is visible, gentlemen. And it is impossible to recognize what is turning white: a woman or a pillow.

Everyone, however, surrounds the door and makes their way to take a look.

Shh... someone's coming!

Everyone jumps away.

Scene XVIII

The same, Arina Panteleimonovna And Agafya Tikhonovna. Everyone bows.

Arina Panteleimonovna. And for what reason did they deign to lend you a visit? Fried eggs. And I learned from the newspapers that you want to enter into contracts for the supply of timber and firewood, and therefore, being in the position of executor at a government office, I came to find out what kind of timber, in what quantity and by what time you can deliver it. Arina Panteleimonovna. Even though we don’t take on any contracts, we are happy to come. What about your last name? Fried eggs. Collegiate assessor Ivan Pavlovich Scrambled eggs. Arina Panteleimonovna. I ask you to humbly sit down. (Turns to Zhevakin and looks at him.) Let me find out... Zhevakin. Me too, I see something announced in the newspapers: let me go, I think to myself, I’ll go. The weather seemed good, there was grass everywhere along the road... Arina Panteleimonovna. What about your last name? Zhevakin. And retired naval service lieutenant, Baltazar Baltazarov Zhevakin-second. We also had another Zhevakin, and he retired before me: he was wounded, mother, under the knee, and the bullet passed so strangely that it didn’t touch the knee itself, but went through a vein - like a needle sewn, so, When you used to stand with him, it seemed like he wanted to hit you from behind with his knee. Arina Panteleimonovna (Addressing Anuchkin.) Let me know for what reason?.. Anuchkin. Next door, s. Being quite close... Arina Panteleimonovna. Isn’t it in the house of the merchant’s wife Tulubova, which is opposite, that you would like to live? Anuchkin. No, for now I still live on Peski, but I nevertheless have the intention of eventually moving here to the neighborhood, to this part of the city. Arina Panteleimonovna. And I ask you to humbly sit down. (Addressing Kochkarev.) Let me find out... Kochkarev. Don't you really recognize me? (Addressing Agafya Tikhonovna.) And you too, madam? Agafya Tikhonovna. It seems to me that I haven’t seen you at all. Kochkarev. However, remember. You must have seen me somewhere. Agafya Tikhonovna. Really, I don't know. Isn’t it with the Biryushkins? Kochkarev. Exactly, at the Biryushkins. Agafya Tikhonovna. Oh, you don’t know, a story happened to her. Kochkarev. Well, I got married. Agafya Tikhonovna. No, that would be good, otherwise I broke my leg. Arina Panteleimonovna. And it broke a lot. I was returning home quite late in the droshky, and the driver was drunk and fell out of the droshky. Kochkarev. Yes, I remember something happened: either I got married, or I broke my leg. Arina Panteleimonovna. What about your last name? Kochkarev. Why, Ilya Fomich Kochkarev, we are related. My wife constantly talks about this... Excuse me, excuse me (takes Podkolesin by the hand and leads him): my friend, Podkolesin Ivan Kuzmich, court councilor; serves as a forwarder, does all the work alone, has perfected his part very well. Arina Panteleimonovna. What about your last name? Kochkarev. Podkolesin Ivan Kuzmich, Podkolesin. The director is only appointed for the sake of rank, but he does all the work, Ivan Kuzmich Podkolesin. Arina Panteleimonovna. Yes, sir. I ask you to humbly sit down.

Phenomenon XIX

The same And Old people.

Old people (bowing briskly and quickly, like a merchant, and lightly placing his hands on his sides). Hello, mother Arina Panteleevna. The guys at Gostiny Dvor said that you sell wool, mother! Agafya Tikhonovna (turning away with disdain, in an undertone, but so that he can hear). This is not a merchant's shop. Old people. Won! Did they come at random? Did they get the job done without us? Arina Panteleimonovna. Please, please, Alexey Dmitrievich; Even though we don’t sell wool, we are happy to come. Please humbly sit down.

Everyone sat down. Silence.

Fried eggs. The weather today is strange: in the morning it looked like rain, but now it seems to have passed. Agafya Tikhonovna. Yes, sir, this weather is like nothing else: sometimes it’s clear, and at other times it’s completely rainy. A very big nuisance. Zhevakin. Here in Sicily, mother, we were with the squadron in the spring - if you push it, it will turn out like this by our February - you used to leave the house: it was a sunny day, and then it started to rain; and you look, exactly, as if it’s raining. Fried eggs. The most unpleasant thing is when you sit alone in such weather. A married man is a completely different matter—not bored; and if you’re alone, it’s just... Zhevakin. Oh, death, perfect death!.. Anuchkin. Yes, sir, you can say that... Kochkarev. Which! Just torment! you won’t be happy with life; God forbid I experience such a situation. Fried eggs. What, madam, would you do if you had to choose a subject? Let me know your taste. Sorry for being so blunt. In which service do you think it is more fitting for a husband to be? Zhevakin. Would you like, madam, to have as a husband a man familiar with sea storms? Kochkarev. No no. The best husband, in my opinion, is the man who almost manages the entire department alone. Anuchkin. Why the prejudice? Why do you want to show disdain to a man who, although, of course, served in the infantry service, knows how to appreciate the treatment of high society? Fried eggs. Madam, please allow me!

Agafya Tikhonovna is silent.

Thekla. Answer me, my mother. Tell them something. Fried eggs. How then, mother?.. Kochkarev. What is your opinion, Agafya Tikhonovna? Thekla (quiet to her). Tell me, say: I thank you with my pleasure. It's not good to sit like that. Agafya Tikhonovna (quiet). I'm ashamed, really ashamed, I'll leave, I'll really leave. Auntie, sit for me. Thekla. Oh, don’t do this shamefully, don’t leave; You'll be completely dumbfounded. They don't know what they'll think. Agafya Tikhonovna (Also). No, really, I'll leave. I'll leave, I'll leave! (Runs away.)

Fekla and Arina Panteleimonovna leave after her.

Phenomenon XX

The same except those who left.

Fried eggs. Here you go, and everyone left! What does it mean? Kochkarev. Something must have happened. Zhevakin. Something about the ladies' toilet... Correct something... a little shirtfront... pin it up.

Thekla enters. Everyone comes to her with questions: “What, what is it?”

Kochkarev. Something happened? Thekla. How can it happen? By God, nothing happened. Kochkarev. But why did she come out? Thekla. Yes, they shamed me, that’s why she left; I was completely embarrassed, so I couldn’t sit still. He asks to excuse me: maybe for a cup of tea in the evening so they can come. (Leaves.) Fried eggs (to the side). Oh, this is my cup of tea! That's why I don't like matchmaking - there will be fuss: today you can't, but you're welcome tomorrow, and even the day after tomorrow for a cup, but you still need to think about it. But the matter is rubbish, not at all puzzling. Damn it, I'm a government official, I have no time! Kochkarev (Podkolesin). But the hostess is not bad, is she? Podkolesin. Yes, not bad. Zhevakin. But the hostess is good. Kochkarev (to the side). Damn it! This fool fell in love. It will probably still interfere. (Aloud.) Not good at all, not good at all. Fried eggs. The nose is big. Zhevakin. Well, no, I didn't notice the nose. She... is such a little rose. Anuchkin. I myself also have their opinions. No, not that, not that... I even think that she is unlikely to be familiar with the treatment of high society. And does she still speak French? Zhevakin. Why, dare I ask, didn’t you try and talk to her in French? Maybe he does. Anuchkin. Do you think I speak French? No, I did not have the good fortune to benefit from such an upbringing. My father was a scoundrel, a brute. He didn’t even think about teaching me French. I was still a child then, it was easy to teach me - you just had to give me a good beating, and I would have known, I would certainly have known. Zhevakin. Well, now that you don’t know what kind of profit you have if it... Anuchkin. And no, no. A woman is a completely different matter. She definitely needs to know, and without that she has both this and that... (shows with gestures)- everything will not be the same. Fried eggs (to the side). Well, someone else will take care of that. And I’ll go and look around the house and outbuildings from the yard: if everything is as it should be, then I’ll get the job done this very evening. These grooms are not dangerous to me - the people are somehow painfully thin. Brides don't like people like that. Zhevakin. Go smoke a pipe. What, isn’t it on our way? Where, may I ask, do you live? Anuchkin. And on Peski, in Petrovsky Lane. Zhevakin. Yes, sir, there will be a circle: I’m on the island, in the Eighteenth Line; but, nevertheless, I will accompany you. Old people. No, there's something a bit presumptuous here. Oh, remember later, Agafya Tikhonovna, and us. With my respect, gentlemen! (Bows and leaves.)

Phenomenon XXI

Podkolesin And Kochkarev.

Podkolesin. Well, let's go too. Kochkarev. Well, isn’t it true that the hostess is nice? Podkolesin. What! I admit, I don't like her. Kochkarev. Here you go! what's this? But you yourself agreed that she was good. Podkolesin. Yes, somehow it’s not the same: he has a long nose and doesn’t speak French. Kochkarev. What is this? What do you need in French? Podkolesin. Well, after all, the bride should know French. Kochkarev. Why? Podkolesin. Yes, because... I don’t know why, but everything won’t be the same for her. Kochkarev. Well, the fool just said one thing, and he lost his ears. She is beautiful, simply beautiful; You won't find such a girl anywhere. Podkolesin. Yes, I myself liked her at first, but then they started saying: long nose, long nose - well, I looked at her, and I see for myself that she has a long nose. Kochkarev. Oh, Piraeus, you didn’t find the doors! They deliberately interpret to discourage you; And I didn’t praise either - that’s how it’s done. This, brother, is such a girl! Just look at her eyes: the devil knows what kind of eyes they are; They say they breathe! And the nose - I don’t know what kind of nose it is! whiteness is alabaster! And not everyone can compare with alabaster. Take a good look for yourself. Podkolesin (smiling). Yes, now I see again that she seems to be good. Kochkarev. Of course it's good! Listen, now, since they’ve all left, let’s go to her, explain ourselves, and end it all! Podkolesin. Well, I won't do that. Kochkarev. Why? Podkolesin. What kind of impudence is that? There are many of us, let her choose herself. Kochkarev. Well, why should you look at them: are you afraid of competition, or what? If you want, I can send them all away in one minute. Podkolesin. How are you going to send them away? Kochkarev. Well, that's my business. Just give me your word that you won’t deny it later.