Outcast in the team. “Problems of rejection in the children's collective

I am 19 years old and I am studying at the University. It was always difficult for me to establish contacts with people. But it’s impossible to say that I don’t know how to do this: I have friends whom I met at master classes in my profession, I have friends at work, there are online friends, I communicate with several girls from other faculties.
At school I was an outcast from grades 1 to 11, from grades 1 to 9 I did not know at all what a friendly relationship was. I thought it was my own fault. Then I went to a few circles, then to training courses, gradually the situation was getting better. I realized that I can be friends. I thought that when I graduated from school, the outcast would come to an end.
But I entered the University - and it began! At first everything was fine, the girls and I walked together to the metro, walked. They called me somewhere several times - I refused. From day 1 it was clear that we had a complete mismatch of interests. I am interested in study and future career, and they want to take a walk. One girl tried to make me addicted to fashionable clothes, but I am not interested in outfits. They talk about guys, about sex, about a wedding, about a future family, and I have a career in first place. They love shopping, but I don’t.
I don't remember when it started. I don't remember how it started. I think it started gradually. But by the end of the 1st course, they stupidly ignored me, did not invite me to birthdays, did not like my photos. I can't ask anyone for notes. They make stupid claims to me: "Don't ask questions, you're bothering us!" or "Don't look for a teacher if 40 minutes or more have passed! If you didn't, you would go home." They laugh at me openly, not particularly embarrassed by my presence. And in general, when I am silent, I am an empty place for them!
Maybe the problem is with me? Maybe I provoke them? But I want to correct my guilt! And if not me - then who is to blame?
Alas, it won't be possible to make friends with them. But what to do? How to maintain neutrality? And how not to become an outcast in the next team?

Hello Olga!
Who do you want to become in the next team? Do you want to communicate with people? Do you want to communicate with those who are very different from you and do not share your values? The intonation of your letter gives the impression that you feel like a being of a higher class than your classmates. You are interested in study and career - that is why you enter the university; and girls are more concerned with personal life and realization in relationships and in the family.
If your hobby for shopping is a sign of underdevelopment, then why is the sympathy and disposition of underdeveloped creatures important to you? It looks like there is some kind of internal contradiction here. On the one hand, you feel that your behavior is more reasonable and correct, on the other hand, like any person (people are social creatures), you need communication, understanding, and friendship. Neutrality is a compromise between these conflicting motives, and I don't think it will truly satisfy your needs for communication and acceptance. Working with a psychologist will help you resolve this contradiction.

Best regards, Elena Livach, psychologist, St. Petersburg.

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Olga, you need to choose this team FOR YOURSELF, and not build yourself up for the team. I agree that it is difficult to select the entire team at the university. But it will be easier to do this later at work, choosing a company, including by whoever works there, if you put yourself and your needs in the center, and not the "social order" of other people.

And now - I'm more than sure that there are a couple of "white crows" in your faculty. They are always there - take a closer look. Why would you try to fit into a group of "regular" girls? Find the same "outcasts" - they are likely to be much more interesting to you than the "majority".

But for some reason you are trying to adapt to this majority. Apparently, you are not completely sure that you are "all right"? And for some reason you feel guilty for not being liked by the majority. Should you? Who and when told you that you should be "rated" by the majority, and only then will you be considered "socially suitable"? This is not true. Read this training, there are many answers to your questions:

http://psyhelp24.ru/kak-zavodit-dryzei/

Best regards, Anton Nesvitsky, psychologist St. Petersburg

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Hello Olga.

The problem of your peculiar role in the team that you are writing about is very serious. And this problem, based on your letter, has existed for a long time. One thing is for sure - without noticing it yourself, you are doing something, somehow provoking others that such an attitude towards you arises again. Apparently you are accustomed to just such a role in the team. Why? There can be many reasons for this, and this should be seriously understood.
Are you asking what to do, how not to become an outcast in the next team? It is impossible to give an answer and a universal recommendation right away so that the problem does not become in an instant. I think that if you decide for yourself that you need to solve this problem, then you should talk to a specialist psychologist. Then it will be possible not only to understand the reasons, to avoid a similar situation in the next teams, but also to change your current relationship at the University.

Respectfully yours, psychologist Alexey Bogintsev (St. Petersburg)

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This is most likely a consequence of an emotional trauma that created a barrier between you and other people. On an unconscious level, a decision was made to keep a distance from other people, most likely for protection purposes.

You can remove this in any case. It may take only 1-2 sessions with a specialist, or maybe much more, it all depends on the depth of the problem and how it was formed. Was there a single unpleasant incident that led to such a result - or is it a systematic pattern of interaction with loved ones, which originated very early.

Of practical advice- master the method of DPDG - information is on the Internet, and work out your unpleasant states using this method. There is also a rather exotic method described in the books on EFT by Harry Craig and Fred Gallo.

I will be hosting a reception in St. Petersburg on December 7-8 - you can contact me. Even in 1-2 times, you can achieve significant success, up to the complete elimination of the problem. As I said, a lot depends on the circumstances - but it will become easier anyway. My phone is on my page on the site.

In any case, I wish you every success.

Goloshchapov Andrey Viktorovich, psychologist Saratov

Good answer 2 Bad answer 1

36 interpersonal relationships in the group

The system of interpersonal relations includes a set of likes and dislikes, preferences and rejections of all members of the group.

Sociometric status

Each individual in the group has his own sociometric status, which can be defined as the sum of preferences and rejections received from other members. Sociometric status can be higher or lower, depending on what feelings other members of the group have towards this subject - positive or negative. The collection of all statuses sets status hierarchy in a group.

The most high-status are the so-called sociometric stars- members of the group with the maximum number of positive choices with a small number of negative choices. These are the people to whom the sympathy of the majority, or at least many of the members of the group, is addressed.

Next come high-status, medium-status and low-status group members, defined by the number of positive choices and not having a large number of negative choices. There are groups in which there are no sociometric stars, but there are only high-, medium-, and low-status ones.

At a lower level of intergroup relations are isolated- subjects that do not have any elections, both positive and negative. The position of an isolated person in a group is one of the most unfavorable.

Les Miserables- these are members of the group who have a large number of negative choices and a small number of preferences. At the last rung of the hierarchical ladder of social preferences are neglected or outcast- members of the group who do not have a single positive choice in the presence of negative ones.

Often times, the position of the sociometric star is viewed as the position of a leader. This is not entirely true, since leadership is associated with intervention in the process of action, and sociometric status is determined by feelings... You can find subjects who are both sociometric stars and leaders, but this combination is rare. A person often loses the sympathy of others, becoming a leader. The sociometric star evokes a kind attitude, primarily because other people feel psychologically comfortable in the presence of this person. As for the leader, his socio-psychological function is related to management.

The problem of combining a leader and a sociometric star in one person is extremely acute both for the person himself and for the group as a whole. Sometimes, in critical social situations, this can provoke some tendencies of fanatical behavior of group members. In an ordinary family, roles can be distributed as follows: father is a leader, mother is a sociometric star. High-status, middle-status and low-status members of the group usually make up the majority of the group.

Isolated, rejected and neglected group members are at risk for interpersonal relationships. Special attention should be paid to the position of the isolated person. In many cases, it turns out to be more unfavorable than the position of the rejected or even neglected. A negative attitude towards a person in a group is a more favorable social factor than the absence of any attitude, since a negative incentive is better than its absence. Sometimes the transition of a person from a neglected position to an isolated position is considered a great punishment. The phenomenon of the influence of a boycott is known - the termination of relations with a person, lack of response to his words and actions and manifestations of various feelings towards him. With a boycott, a person finds himself not in the position of the neglected, towards whom the negative feelings of others are directed, but in the position of the isolated, to which others are completely indifferent. Changing the sociometric status of a group member - important problem... A person's status is often a relatively stable value. However, from the point of view of personality development, the invariability of sociometric status is considered as a risk factor, even if it is a high status.

The need to change sociometric status dictated by the needs of a person to develop flexible strategies of behavior for social adaptation in various groups. Therefore, it is advisable to go through various statuses. The complexity of the problem also lies in the fact that people perceive and relate to their status differently. Most have an idea of what status they occupy in the basic heading. Medium-status members of the group, as a rule, perceive their position adequately. But the extreme status categories, due to the action of psychological defenses, often perceive the attitude of other people to themselves inadequately. Most often, it is sociometric stars and neglected group members who do not realize their position in the system of interpersonal relations in the group.

The stability of sociometric status is determined by many factors, among which the following are distinguished:

appearance (physical attractiveness, the leading modality of facial expressions, appearance, non-verbal language);

successes in leading activities;

some character traits and temperament(tolerance, sociability, goodwill, low anxiety, stability nervous system and etc.);

the correspondence of the values of the individual to the values of the group of which he is a member;

position in other social groups.

To change the status of a person in a group, sometimes it is enough just to work with one or another factor of status.

Reciprocity of emotional preferences

Knowledge of sociometric status does not give complete information about the position of a person in the system of interpersonal relations. You also need to know about such a phenomenon as reciprocity of emotional preferences group members. Even a sociometric star will feel unhappy if her choices are not reciprocated. Conversely, the neglected group member can feel quite well if his choice is mutual. The more mutual choices a group member has, the more stable and favorable his position in the system of interpersonal relations will be. Groups differ significantly in the reciprocity of the choice of their members. If there are few mutual choices in the group, then there will be weak coordination of actions and emotional dissatisfaction of its members with interpersonal relationships.

Interpersonal relationships in a group include relationships of interpersonal preference.

Small group is divided into microgroups, and the larger the small group, the more microgroups there are. Each microgroup has its own sociometric structure. Often, a microgroup is a group of friends with common interests. Sometimes the association of people into microgroups can be caused by other reasons, for example, belonging to a certain social stratum, etc.

Identifying the system of rejection in the group is necessary to predict its actions in the situation conflict... Outcasts in a group can be grouped into three types.

The first type is normative, indicating the well-being of relationships in general, when rejections are not pronounced, there are no people who have received a large number of negative choices, and all rejections are distributed relatively evenly. There are no people whose rejection prevails over preferences.

The second type is the polarization of rejection, in which there are two main microgroups that reject each other.

The third type is the most unfavorable for the group, when there will be only one outcast, acting as the respondent for all misunderstandings, the so-called "switchman". Sometimes in a group a negative attitude towards one person on the part of the majority can be quite justified. However, such cases are considered exceptional. If the group always chooses the "switchman", then we can conclude about the unfavorable nature of interpersonal relations in it. Even if the rejected leaves the group, a new “guilty” will be found for the appropriate role.

Group habits in the system of interpersonal relations are formed in the same way as any other group action.

Habit refers to form social control and guides the behavior of specific individuals and the group as a whole.

The most important characteristics of the system of intragroup preferences are: sociometric status, reciprocity of choice, the presence of stable groups of interpersonal preferences and the system of rejection. Despite the equal importance of all characteristics, special attention is paid to the status of the subject. This is due to the fact that, firstly, status has relative social stability, and the subject often transfers it from one group to another. Secondly, it is the dynamics of the status hierarchy that entails corresponding changes in the system of rejection and relations between microgroups. In addition, a person's understanding of his status in the system of interpersonal relations has a significant impact on a person's self-esteem.

In the context of the group pressure process, one usually speaks of conformity, which is understood as behavior the individual regarding the position of the group, the measure of his “submission” to group pressure, his acceptance or rejection of group norms and rules. The concepts opposite to conformity are independence of behavior, independence of views, resistance to group pressure, etc.

Conformity is most clearly manifested in conditions of open conflict between the opinions of the group and the individual. The extent to which an individual is ready to follow the opinion of the group (even if it is obviously erroneous) determines the degree of its conformity.

The mechanism of group pressure was clearly demonstrated in the well-known experiments of S. Ash. A group of subjects of 7-9 people, who were in a common room, were asked to compare two cards proposed by the experimenter. One card showed one vertical line, the other three, but of different lengths. One of the lines on the second card was identical to the one on the first.

The difference in the length of the three lines was quite obvious and, acting on their own (outside the group), only one percent of the subjects could occasionally make a mistake in identifying the lines. In accordance with the instructions, the subject had to loudly announce which of the three lines on the second card corresponds to the line shown on the first card.

Ash wondered what would happen if all members of the group began to give incorrect answers, whether in this case group pressure could force an uninformed (i.e., unaware that the group is deliberately distorting their assessments) subject to change his mind. The procedure was designed in such a way that in each of the groups there was only one uninformed subject and his turn to answer the experimenter's question was the last.

The experiment began with several trial runs. Here all the subjects gave the correct answers. Only after this did the first subject, and after him all the others, begin to give an obvious wrong answer. The last to answer was the "naive" subject, and the experimenter was given the opportunity to check whether he would "resist" in his own absolutely correct opinion or "succumb" to the pressure of the group. Thus, the uninformed subject faced a dilemma: either to believe their eyes and give an obvious and correct answer, or, following the opinion, say what everyone is saying.

Numerous experiments conducted by Ash showed that about 35% of the subjects showed conformal behavior, i.e. preferred the obvious truth to agree with the group, i.e. every third gave a deliberately false answer, unable to resist the consensus omnium. In subsequent interviews, all subjects, including those who did not succumb to group pressure, reported that the opinion of the majority had a very strong effect on them, forcing even the "persistent" to doubt the correctness of their answers. It is curious that, as a rule, the subjects associated their conformity not with objective processes within the group, but exclusively with their personal characteristics.

Intra-group conflicts The parties to an intra-group conflict are either individual members of the group, or individual groups within it, or a member of the group and the rest of it. The main criterion for the presence of intragroup conflict is the destruction of intragroup ties. The main positive functions of such conflicts are those that do not affect the foundations of the group's existence, contributing only to the reorientation of norms and relations in accordance with the emerging need.

Conflict within a group can be a mechanism for transforming norms in relation to new conditions. Conflicts often lead to the creation of associations and coalitions within groups, due to which interaction between members of the entire association is ensured, isolation is reduced, the ground is created for the implementation of the individual activity of the members of the group Donchenko, E.A. Personality: conflict, harmony. / E.A. Donchenko, T.A. Titarenko - Kiev, 1989 - pp. 48-55.

The general level of tension in which a person or group exists is identified as the most important factor determining the frequency of conflicts in groups. Whether a particular event will lead to conflict depends critically on the level of tension or social atmosphere in the group.

The main reasons for most conflicts in groups, including in organizations, are the allocation of resources, which are always limited; the interdependence of the tasks of a person or group; differences in goals, perceptions and values, in demeanor and life experience; as well as poor communications.

Any conflict has its consequences. So, there are several possible functional consequences of the conflict. One is that the problem can be solved in a way that is acceptable to all parties, and as a result, people will feel more involved in solving the problem. This, in turn, minimizes or eliminates difficulties in implementing decisions - hostility, injustice, and the compulsion to act against the will. Another functional consequence is that the parties will be more cooperative rather than antagonistic in future situations, possibly fraught with conflict. In addition, conflict can reduce the possibility of groupthink and submissiveness syndrome, when subordinates do not express ideas that they believe do not correspond to those of their leaders. Through conflicts, team members can work through execution problems even before the solution begins to execute.

On the other hand, it is difficult to avoid dysfunctional consequences: dissatisfaction, less cooperation in the future, strong loyalty to one's group and more unproductive competition with other groups, perception of the other side as an "enemy", curtailment of interaction and communication between conflicting parties, increased hostility between conflicting parties, a shift in focus: giving "victory" in a conflict more importance than solving a real problem.

In every children's collective there are guys who shy away from the rest for various reasons. Most often this happens due to the fact that they were not accepted into the group. Neither the parents of the child, nor the adults who lead the given community of children: teachers, educators, should remain indifferent to such a problem, since in this case nothing will be successfully resolved by itself. A situation that gets out of the control of adults can have unpredictable consequences in the future. It happens, of course, that some guys themselves do not strive to take leadership positions in the team of their peers and at the same time feel completely normal. But it also happens: a teenager suffers from misunderstanding and in every possible way seeks to join the group.

Reasons for the appearance of an outcast in the children's team, their solution

Psychologists identify several prerequisites leading to the emergence of this problem:

unusual appearance. Subjective and objective factors can be distinguished here. Guys who are much taller, lower than the rest, or very fat, thin, appearing in an established team, the majority begin to shy away. If at the same time the newcomer is not dressed like everyone else, that is, he has not the most fashionable things or has an unkempt appearance, then the fate of an outcast is prepared for him. The hairstyle is also important. Children surrounding the newcomer intently examine his shoes, bag and other objects, evaluating and discussing this. To avoid a problem, you need to be dressed stylishly and neatly on your first arrival in a new team. Later, when joining the group is successful, you can experiment, but also within reason;
behavior. In everything, and especially in how the newcomer behaves in relation to the others, a "golden mean" is needed, that is, to be like everyone else: neither better, but not worse. For example, the class is massively not ready for the lesson, everyone refuses to go to the blackboard, then even if the task is completed as “excellent”, it cannot be answered. In general, all psychologists note that adolescents very subtly feel the weaknesses of others, therefore, in order to fit into a new team, one must neither grovel in front of strong leaders, nor push around the weak. At the same time, it is also impossible to be a spineless amoeba, you must always have your own opinion and be able to defend it with arguments.

In addition to the main reasons, the following factors can contribute to the appearance of an outcast in the children's collective:

lameness, scars, wearing glasses and other features of appearance;
diseases with noticeable consequences, for example, urinary incontinence, digestive problems leading to flatulence, etc.;
tearfulness and the desire to blame everyone for everything, that is, sneaks;
untidy appearance, patches, dirty clothes, the wrong size and length, as well as outdated things;
a beginner who misses classes more often than anyone else, no matter whether due to illness, good reason or for no specific reason;
a student who lags behind in subjects or refuses to complete assignments;
a child under strong parental influence;
an introvert who cannot and does not want to communicate with peers.

Types of rejection of rejected children in a team

active rejection, when a newcomer is made to understand that his opinion does not mean anything to others;
passive rejection when a beginner is ignored in certain situations;
ignoring, when the child is simply not paid attention to;
physical bullying, when children mock a child who is not accepted into the collective, humiliate, beat, etc.

It is necessary to involve all adults in solving the problem: the parents of the rejected child, teachers, a psychologist. Only general intervention can influence the current situation. And this must be done immediately.

Feelings and emotions in interpersonal relationships

The problem of interpersonal relationships in a group can be approached from different angles. You can explore the form of these relationships, their influence on the personality, on the situation in the group. And all these aspects of interpersonal relationships are important for modern practice.

Intragroup relationships also have a structure. They can be determined both by a person, by his position in the system of formal relations, and by the feelings that people feel for each other in the process of joint activities.

Feeling as an indicator of interpersonal relationships was considered by many psychologists (T. Shibutani, J. Moreno, A. Maslow, K. Rogers, etc.).

People behave according to the norms. But feelings determine the characteristics, regulate behavior.

Are stable experiences that are associated with. They guide the mutual orientations of people. Feelings are different from emotions - subjective reactions to the impact of internal and external factors. Feelings are more stable than emotions.

Feelings have certain social functions... The social functions of feelings determine a person's readiness for a certain way of behaving in a particular situation.

The cognitive function of the senses associated with the comprehension of the significance of this event for the person himself.

Mobilization function of the senses manifests itself in the readiness of a person to act in a certain way. Feelings determine the general energy level of human activity.

Integrative and protective and warning function provide a choice of direction of activity, orientation in situations and relationships.

Not all interpersonal relationships are accompanied by feelings. A person may not feel any feelings in relation to another.

If feelings come into conflict with social norms, then a person is often not aware of them. The problem for some people is that they do not quite understand what kind of feelings they experience in a particular situation, if the feelings do not coincide at the conscious and unconscious levels.

The person seeks to avoid negative experiences in the group.

Psychological defense mechanisms

Psychological defense mechanisms act on a subconscious level and represent a system of personality regulation aimed at eliminating negative experiences.

Every person has a standard level of psychological protection. There are individuals in whom the effect of psychological defense is excessive.

In addition to psychological defense, such specific violations are distinguished when a person experiences relationships in a group: emotional stuck and explosiveness. Emotional stuck is a condition in which the resulting affective reaction is fixed for a long time and affects thoughts and behavior. For example, an experienced resentment "gets stuck" for a long time in a vindictive person. Explosiveness- increased excitability, tendency to violent manifestations of affect, inadequate reaction in strength.

Emotional preferences can be observed in any relatively long period of time. American psychologist J. Moreno, considering the set of preferences of group members, developed the world-famous theory of sociometry. Moreno believed that the psychological comfort of a person depends on his position in the informal structure of relationships in a small group. The sociometric structure of a group is a set of subordinate positions of group members in the system of interpersonal relations.

The system of interpersonal relations

The system of interpersonal relations includes a set of likes and dislikes, preferences and rejections of all members of the group.

Sociometric status

Isolated, rejected and neglected group members are at risk for interpersonal relationships. Special attention should be paid to the position of the isolated person. In many cases, it turns out to be more unfavorable than the position of the rejected or even neglected. A negative attitude towards a person in a group is a more favorable social factor than the absence of any attitude, since a negative incentive is better than its absence. Sometimes the transition of a person from a neglected position to an isolated position is considered a great punishment. The phenomenon of the influence of a boycott is known - the termination of relations with a person, lack of response to his words and actions and manifestations of various feelings towards him. With a boycott, a person finds himself not in the position of the neglected, towards whom the negative feelings of others are directed, but in the position of the isolated, to which others are completely indifferent. Changing the sociometric status of a group member is an important issue. A person's status is often a relatively stable value. However, from the point of view of personality development, the invariability of sociometric status is considered as a risk factor, even if it is a high status.

The need to change sociometric status dictated by human needs to develop flexible behavioral strategies for social adaptation in various groups. Therefore, it is advisable to go through various statuses. The complexity of the problem also lies in the fact that people perceive and relate to their status differently. Most have an idea of what status they occupy in the basic heading. Medium-status members of the group, as a rule, perceive their position adequately. But the extreme status categories, due to the action of psychological defenses, often perceive the attitude of other people to themselves inadequately. Most often, it is sociometric stars and neglected group members who do not realize their position in the system of interpersonal relations in the group.

The stability of sociometric status is determined by many factors, among which the following are distinguished:

appearance (physical attractiveness, the leading modality of facial expressions, appearance, non-verbal language);
successes in leading activities;
some character traits and (tolerance, sociability, goodwill, low anxiety, stability of the nervous system, etc.);
the correspondence of the values of the individual to the values of the group of which he is a member;
position in other social groups.

To change the status of a person in a group, sometimes it is enough just to work with one or another factor of status.

Reciprocity of emotional preferences

Knowledge of sociometric status does not provide complete information about a person's position in the system of interpersonal relations. You also need to know about such a phenomenon as reciprocity of emotional preferences group members. Even a sociometric star will feel unhappy if her choices are not reciprocated. Conversely, the neglected group member can feel quite well if his choice is mutual. The more mutual choices a group member has, the more stable and favorable his position in the system of interpersonal relations will be. Groups differ significantly in the reciprocity of the choice of their members. If there are few mutual choices in the group, then there will be weak coordination of actions and emotional dissatisfaction of its members with interpersonal relationships.

Interpersonal relationships in a group include relationships of interpersonal preference.

Identifying the system of rejection in the group is necessary to predict its actions in the situation. Outcasts in a group can be grouped into three types.

The second type is the polarization of rejection, in which there are two main microgroups that reject each other.

Group habits in the system of interpersonal relations are formed in the same way as any other group action.

Habit refers to a form of social control and guides the behavior of specific individuals and the group as a whole.