Marital status I choose loneliness. Why women choose loneliness

Often there comes a moment when a person is surrounded by close people, and, nevertheless, there is loneliness in the family, because everyone is practically on his own. This situation is so widespread in our time that it is not surprising. For example, each of the household members is in his room, or in some personal corner, and is busy with his own business. In such a situation, there may be a feeling that a person is happy, that everyone is comfortable and calm around, because everyone is at home, passionate about their favorite activities, which means that everything is fine. At the same time, there are also many common interests, these are visits to friends, trips to museums, to the dacha, various discussions of events attended jointly, and so on.

Nevertheless, such a feeling of absolute idyll can be disturbed by such feelings as longing and a sense of loneliness of a person in a family. According to many psychologists, this type of loneliness can be considered a problem of workaholic modern society, and getting rid of it is not so easy. Indeed, loneliness is now a disease of the modern world. Moreover, people are scattered, and many live on their own, detached. It is believed that humanity itself has created such a disease, because everyone, at his will, is able to become an individual without hindrance. It is especially difficult when mutual interest in the family, in marriage disappears.

Why is mutual interest lost?

When starting a family, many believe that marriage will help them eliminate the problem of loneliness. But in practice, it turns out that even in a large family, you can continue to feel lonely. Statistics confirm that in modern families you will not surprise anyone with a lack of communication, although, theoretically, close people should always support each other in a difficult situation, empathize and help in every way. But, often close person behaves indifferently, and why this happens, experts in the field of psychology are trying to find out.

Although many people suffer from loneliness in the family, it should be noted that this feeling comes gradually. The spouses have the confidence that they, as before, love each other, and meanwhile, over time, they are less and less interested in each other and pay attention to each other. Modern world sets new priorities, and therefore personal relationships are pushed into the background, and the dominant is material support families. The head of the family gives all his strength professional activity, and at home he no longer wants to engage in discussion of his problems.

As for the woman, she is loaded with household chores, taking care of children takes a huge place in her life, and it is not surprising that her husband's problems cease to interest her. From a certain point in family relations, there is a lack of agreement, resentment, alienation is growing. Tellingly, each of the spouses believes that they do not understand him, and feels lonely.

The main problem of communication

There comes a period in a person's life when he has problems with communication in the family. It turns out that people are not able to express their feelings, and in addition, they also do not want to hear the problems of another person. And at the same time, it is extremely important not only to be heard, but also to understand the mood of loved ones yourself, to try to show participation. But, why in the beginning everything is cloudless in a relationship, and only after a while, sometimes, even after years, does loneliness in a prosperous family still make itself felt? Choosing a life partner, accepting independent decision, many are sure that in the future they will be able to remake their other half, that is, simply adjust for themselves, and these intentions can be considered a serious mistake.

Psychologists say that you should not waste time to re-educate someone, it is better to spend it on right choice... And even more so, one should not expect that it is possible to make one of the family members ideal by constantly condemning.

There is one more reason, quite significant, according to experts, which contributes to the separation of family members from each other and, as a result, loneliness. This is the internet social networks and various blogs. It happens that one of the spouses prefers to communicate virtually, because you can take a fictitious name for yourself, and at the same time, remain yourself, express your own thoughts sincerely. As you know, a person begins to feel lonely if he does not have the opportunity to be absolutely frank in communication. The Internet is capable of correcting this shortcoming, and therefore it is becoming desirable.

Fear of being frank

Very often it is not possible to be frank in the family circle, since sometimes the consequences are undesirable, and later, based on his expressed opinions, the household gets reproaches, or people draw the wrong conclusions. In addition, it is common for a person to be afraid of being misunderstood by those closest to him, which sometimes leads to a deterioration in relations, or even to the collapse of the family. All of this contributes to a slow but steady build-up of feelings of loneliness.

It is important that there are common interests in the family that unite the spouses. But it often happens that living in a marriage and already having children, people do not spend leisure time together, or it is minimal. If earlier the spouses liked some kind of joint vacation, over time it ceased to seem interesting and pleasant, and it is not always possible to find an alternative option. In this regard, a woman has her own, separate interests, a man also has his own hobbies, and nothing connects them, loneliness in the family sets in. This condition is exacerbated if one of the couple cannot perceive himself as a person, to a certain extent dependent on the partner. In such a situation, only personal desires are paramount, and the opinion of one's “other half” is ignored.

Sometimes we meet people who deliberately chose loneliness, seemingly without serious reasons for this.
The reasons for loneliness may be patterns that society has imposed on us and with which we explain the reasons for loneliness. To such reasons, we include failure, poor financial situation, insufficient external beauty, high demands on yourself and your companion, self-doubt, etc. If you have similar thoughts, then this may manifest your unconscious desire for loneliness.

Often the reason for loneliness is the search for someone created in the imagination. But in life we ​​do not meet ideals, but living people. And perhaps there is somewhere such an ideal, our little man, but our roads do not intersect.

When we are young, we are brave and determined and ready to start building a family relationship with the person we like. Families often build on relationships that began in childhood - classmates, neighbors, brothers and sisters of best friends and girlfriends. But at a more mature age, the choice becomes more and more difficult to make. And the choice is getting smaller. Many peers have already built family relationships, and the requests for family values ​​are becoming clearer and clearer.

With age, it also becomes clearer that respect is much more important in relationships than love. Respect must be won, earned, and the future life partner must only do what he can truly be respected for. And how often we meet in life people who do not deserve respect!

Among modern business, career-building men and women, there are more and more single people. Yes, they are reliable, yes, they are responsible, but it becomes more and more difficult to meet a partner. Self-confident, self-sufficient, successful and wealthy people of both sexes are quite responsible and reliable, but they have different requirements for partners.

For example, a single man may have a hard time meeting the girl he wants. They do not need business ladies, since there is a risk that a woman, like before marriage, will give all her strength and energy to her career, not paying attention to her husband. Of course, you can meet a girl who will be ready to do the housework, cook dinners, raise children and at the same time not pursue her career. But this girl must be well educated, correspond to the level of her husband, be able to maintain a conversation on almost any topic.

The same problems are faced by single women pursuing their careers. Men are just theirs. These women, as a rule, are senior or middle managers who are able to set tasks and solve them, see the shortcomings and positive qualities of employees. They are just as well versed in men. To put on your shoulders a weakling who may at first glance turn out to be quite a successful man, to get married simply because it is necessary and the time has come ... More often than not, such women make a different choice. They give birth to a child and continue to move forward on the career ladder.

Loneliness is often a deliberate choice for many people. Someone is afraid of loneliness, but for someone it is a natural state. What motivates people to choose loneliness? There are at least 5 reasons for this.

The most common causes of loneliness are:

1. Betrayal

Every person has faced betrayal at least once in his life. After the incident, a reassessment of trust and relationships begins. The person becomes more selective in order to avoid repeating this unpleasant situation in the future. Someone really succeeds, but someone steps on the same rake over and over again.

2. Non-standard thinking and lack of like-minded people

There are always people whose way of life and thinking is different from most other people. As a rule, such people become black sheep, there are few of them who understand and support, they often stumble upon a wall of misunderstanding, and sometimes even manifestations of aggression. The crowd does not like upstarts, people whose views are radically different from generally accepted standards. Such "non-standard" people tend to lead a lonely, secluded lifestyle.

3. Childhood

Many specialists in the field of psychology argue that most of the problems that adults face have their beginning in childhood, since during this period the child remembers as much information as possible. His brain and perception work like a sponge, so all negative situations can affect future life. Some of the most painful memories are of ridicule, insults and humiliation. A child who has experienced similar situations as an adult tends to avoid repeating a similar situation at any cost.

4. Bad relationship experiences

Parting with the other half is also a rather painful event for any person. The consequences of such an experience can be completely different, so it is almost impossible to predict development in advance. If the emotional shock was extremely painful, it can lead to a refusal in the future to start any new relationship. Their motto is - it's better to be alone than with just anyone.

5. Spiritual development

Having embarked on the path of spiritual development, many people note that they are no longer interested in the former "joys" - going to clubs, drinking with friends, noisy companies, etc. More and more you want solitude, peace, communication with Nature and with your inner "I". Loneliness does not frighten, and does not please, it is just an opportunity to be alone with yourself, to meditate, reflect, contemplate and create.

Loneliness is not a disease, not a punishment, but a personal choice of each of us. In a world overflowing with people, someone searches and finds, someone suffers from a lack of love, but there is a third kind - people who choose completely voluntarily. American results sociological research for 2016 show that the number of men and women choosing a life without commitment of a serious relationship is almost equal in comparison with the studies of the last 5 years. Does this mean that times are changing with mores, or is it the fault of the feminist movements? I wondered how you can voluntarily give up love, and for what reasons modern women do it.

Tamara, 39 years old

I ended up with the relationship, because I did not see any benefit in them, although everyone around me told me that it was necessary to find a man and arrange my female happiness. I divorced my husband in the early 2000s, and after this marriage I have three sons, whom I firmly decided to raise myself. I love my children very much and want to devote my whole life to their upbringing. Turning my back on men, I became the perfect mother.

At first, I just didn't have enough time to meet with someone, think about love, sex or the art of seduction. I came home from work, cooked, cleaned, did homework with the children, looked after them, talked and put them to bed. And at night I cried.

After the children fell asleep, I lay in my bedroom and shed silent tears. It was very hard for me that all desires disappeared from my life. I didn’t think about what I would like to eat for dinner, what movie is going on in cinemas now, what to wear a denim blouse with. All I really wanted was to sleep and cry. But soon the tears were transformed into the acceptance of a new life. I realized that I am not looking for a man, not because I do not care about myself and my desires, but because I do not believe that he can be useful.

Now that the children have grown up, I can afford to do what I want, and no one will tell me: “Why did you come so late?”, “Why didn't you cook dinner on time?”, “Where are you going?”. I don’t need to share a bathroom and a bedroom with anyone, plus I have a lot of time at my disposal that I want to devote to children. I do not feel despair, I finally realized that this is how I want to live and, perhaps, that is why I did not have a relationship with my ex-husband.

Anna, 30 years old

I was alone for most of my life, and the time I spent in a relationship was terrible. I either coped with the absence of a partner, or suffered because of him, the third was not given. It always seemed to me that loneliness is not scary, because I am with a person who really cares about me - myself, and this is better than living with someone who makes you cry and sacrifice everything for an incomprehensible goal.

My loneliness is a deliberate choice. It will be that way until I meet someone I can be sure of. The phase of adoration in a relationship cannot last forever, I understand, but there should be a completely renewed life behind it, with care, trust, commitment, and not pain. I love to be alone and enjoy my company. Sometimes I feel sad and scared that the years go by, and I get old, but even in this situation, I understand that this is better than suffering.

Larisa, 26 years old

My mother, grandmother and great-grandmother were all in an abusive relationship, suffered and could not change anything. Since childhood, I watched them cry, scandal and endure hardship, and I felt scared that the same could happen to me.
With age, fear grew into a real phobia of relationships.

I am scared that I will fall in love with a man who will beat me, rape, call names and change. I am afraid that by meeting guys I will get pregnant and will not be able to raise a child, just like having an abortion. Sometimes it seems to me that I am ready to date girls, just to save myself from the danger of being offended by a guy. The whole male sex scares me terribly!

In my entire life, I have not had a single normal guy, more or less adequate physical contact. Because every time a man's hands touched me, I shivered, my body began to shake convulsively, and I roared or screamed heart-rendingly.
I tried going to a psychologist and even taking sedatives. The therapy took a very long time, and the main result that we were able to achieve after a hypnosis session, a course of medications and even a trip to a woman who removes spoilage was that I began to tolerate communication with guys more calmly, which led to the only relationship in my life that lasted 2 months.

We parted because I was going crazy. I don't blame my boyfriend for not wanting to sort out my problems.

Today I am still alone, and for me this is the only way to keep my sanity and nerves. I communicate with guys and girls, but only as a friend, I avoid bodily contact, I don't even shake my hand. I sometimes continue to visit a psychologist and think about how to live on.
Friends often ask me how I have sex. For me, everything is much easier here than it seems. This mental illness has a huge impact on my libido, so most of the time I'm just not interested in sex. In the rare moments of desire, I find ways to cope without men.

Victoria, 21 years old

My main problem is perfectionism. I am fixated on the fact that everything around should be perfect, including me, people, partners. If I start dating someone, then at first everything seems sweet and romantic, but after a couple of days I notice a million negative traits both appearance and character, which are starting to drive me crazy. I cannot stand and cannot be silent about them. In the end, they call me a bitch, and the relationship ends.

After many painful breakups, I realized that talking to people about what annoys me about them is meaningless and rude. They are not to blame for the fact that I am in love with the ideal and seek golden ratio in everything that surrounds me. At first, I just silently left, but soon I stopped looking for a relationship at all. This way I can at least maintain a friendly relationship with others. Quarrels do happen, but not as painful.

Nothing can be done with my character. I tried, honestly. I am just the kind of person who cannot be happy here and now until I smooth out all the roughness of being. To admit to myself that the main problem and error is me is simply unbearable. It is easier for me to be alone and do everything as I see fit and enjoy, than trying to accept another or go and “heal” my essence.

Julia, 29 years old

I dated men under 27, there weren't many of them, but the relationship was long and serious, and the separation was painful. Sometimes I left on my own, but more often they left me. Every time love, as it seemed to me then, all my life left me, I suffered from loneliness, low self-esteem and looked for something that could fill this void. For a while, I managed to numb the pain, but then I again plunged into a new relationship, and everything started all over again.

An important thought that I only recently realized was that no one can make me happy except myself. I shouldn't demand from other people to be faithful or to please me. I had to leave on my own when I started to suffer, but I didn’t leave because I was afraid to be left alone.

Today I am no longer afraid not to meet the man of my dreams, because I myself know what I need to be a full-fledged woman. I can do what I want, when I want and where I want, I am confident and I know how to achieve what I want.

Being alone is a kind of therapy, a purification that every girl must go through in order not only to learn how to take care of herself on her own, but also to rethink the values ​​in relationships.

In my life there are no more scandals, senseless quarrels, name-calling, jealousy. There are no everyday problems, no boredom and apathy. I don’t need to sacrifice myself and my dreams to be with someone who will not be ready for the same feats for my sake. I make all my decisions myself and. This is not loneliness, this is freedom.

Margarita, 28 years old

My life is marked by impermanence. The fact is that I never stay in one place for more than a couple of months. And this has been the case since I entered the university. I do not mean that I constantly change partners or move from apartment to apartment. I move from one country to another. First, I went to study on an exchange, visited several European countries: the Czech Republic, Germany, France. After graduation, I got a job, which is associated with constant business trips and a frantic pace of life. All this makes a long-term relationship impossible.

I tried to be with someone at a distance, but everything ended up breaking up, because I cannot be torn between what I love to do and commitment to a partner. I really chose this lifestyle myself, because I love traveling, constantly learning new things, being in different places. The same landscapes start to get boring if I see them for more than a month.

I don’t blame my ex-boyfriends for making it easier for them to leave, because the priorities in my life have been set for a long time, and I do not intend to change them. Plus, I've never been with someone for more than a month or in a relationship that didn't bother me for the first two weeks. I realize that the point is in me - I am fickle, explosive and elusive, like love itself.

Violetta, 34 years old

Next year I will turn 35, but I still live alone and do not want to fall in love, get married or have children. It may seem to you that I am just an egoist, a notorious person, or that something is wrong with my head, but this is not true.

Many years ago, I experienced a very painful breakup with a man whom I loved to madness. We were happy for 3 years, we wanted to get married and have a family, but I found out that all these 3 years he cheated on me, shamelessly lied about everything related to our future, used me as a convenient option, and he had a conscience , apparently, did not even respond in a whisper.
I found out that I was deceived, quite by accident. My ex's best friend once told me how things were, because he could no longer see me living in illusions. He was ashamed that his friend was such a bastard.

At first I did not believe him, because my life was like a fairy tale. But after deciding to press charges against her partner, he looked at me calmly and said:

"Well, apparently, this moment has come."

After he left, and I learned about all the details from his best friend, in colors, details, feelings. This friend also had feelings for me, and he thought that, having revealed the truth to me, he could pretend to be a new man, promised that he would definitely make me happy and would never behave like the last goat.

But something broke inside me. The ability to trust men just stopped working. Everything guys ever said to me sounded like fake to me. I was not disappointed in the opposite sex, I have friends - great guys, loyal and romantic, but I just don't believe a single word that is said to me.

I decided that I would never again in my life want to be in the role of a person who hangs noodles on his ears. I do not want to dream that it will not come true, to be afraid that I will be hurt again, and my whole life will crumble into a million pieces. I just accepted the fact that loneliness is the norm, and there is nothing wrong with never loving anyone.

My life is filled with many events and emotions. I work for an event agency and live like a workaholic. I enjoy traveling, chatting with my girlfriends, playing with their children and interacting with their husbands. I only do what I think is necessary, and I am confident in myself.

I will never lie to myself or let myself down. I feel good alone, and I really don't want to see anyone nearby, love anyone, kiss anyone, take care of anyone. I'm not selfish, I'm just a loner, and I think that this is natural and not at all scary.

Tragic stories are often heard from women, the consequences of which are loneliness or psychological problems... If it seems to you that mine is one of them, so be it, I will not argue. I'm going to live my life the way I see fit.

Womlife

Once you stood in the registry office in the face of a polite registrar. Then it seemed to you that the white streak in life was just beginning. You thought you were connecting life with a person who would share with you happy moments, difficulties and personal interests. But what is happening today?

You come home from work morally tired and wait for the support of your loved one. Do you want to hear at least a few kind words to your address, distract yourself from thoughts about the accumulated problems. But every day your husband finds a reason not to pay attention to you. Meetings with friends over a beer, social networks, car repairs, computer games or the banal "I'm tired and want to be alone with myself."And you are all waiting. You are waiting for your husband to agree to watch a movie with you in the evening, to walk together, sometimes you have to beg him to allocate at least two hours a week for you. Marriage becomes a formality, but in fact - a woman feels lonely being married.

The question arises. How is such a life different from the one given to free women? The difference lies in two important points. And both of them are not in favor of married ladies.

First, a woman who gets married rightly expects to receive at least love, attention and support from marriage. The rest of the advantages (solving material problems, stability, status, respect, the opportunity to raise children in a favorable atmosphere) can be regarded as a pleasant addition to marriage, but not always necessary. But love, attention and support are the foundation of a family. Without them, a man and a woman are only two people living in the same house.

A free woman chooses her position voluntarily. She can strive for a career, money, independence. She may hate serious relationships. But such a woman does not carry the burden of disappointment from unfulfilled hopes. And a married woman is forced to endure what she initially did not agree to. She expected love and attention, but did not receive them. The result is loneliness.

Second, marriage imposes additional responsibilities on women. Especially for those who already have children. When a woman does not see her husband's enthusiasm (or even the slightest desire) in doing household chores and raising children, she feels bitter resentment. After all, a woman realizes an internal imbalance: she gives much more than she receives. The reason is the spouse's indifference to the family.

The situation described above can be termed briefly - "loneliness in marriage."

What to do? Continue to suffer quietly, persistently demand attention from your husband, or take a radical step in the form of divorce? It all depends on you.

Option 1. Leave everything as it is.

Suitable for women who are strong, independent, purposeful, with many interests and friends.

Perhaps personal relationships are not the main thing in life for you. And you got married not because of strong love, but rather according to calculation (to solve material problems, give birth and raise children in a family, and so on) or for status. Then you better not interfere with the course of events.

Let your husband live his life. Do not demand attention to yourself, but take care of your own life. Build a career, meet friends, explore new areas of knowledge, raise children, travel. Act like you're not married at all. Within reasonable limits, of course. This is not about cheating on your spouse or spending family money right and left.

As a rule, men respect cheerful women who lead an active lifestyle and are not obsessed with family responsibilities. Most likely, the husband will soon get bored and he himself will begin to take the initiative in relation to you.

Option 2. Break the relationship.

In a situation of loneliness in marriage, it is especially difficult for "traditional" women. That is, to natures soft, feminine, dependent, economic, for whom huge role family plays in life. If you belong to this category of women (sorry for this conventional division), understand one cruel fact. You will never be happy in a "lonely" marriage. Never.

Any attempts to attract attention to yourself, to force a man to spend time together will turn out that you will tire both yourself and your beloved. At first, the husband will agree. But he will do it more out of a sense of family duty, and not out of love and a passionate desire to be with you. Over time, a man gets tired of making concessions. He begins to consider his wife a boring bore, a burden, an enemy of personal time. As a result - quarrels, betrayal or absolute indifference, and again - loneliness.

Continuing to endure is also not an option. You will always miss warmth and affection. Feeling lonely over the years can turn you into a bitch. You need it? Moreover, there is a considerable chance of changing your life for the better - to meet exactly your person (this may well be, it is much more real than you think, it comes of itself as soon as you start to feel happy, free and self-sufficient), realize yourself in a career, in raising children, traveling, self-improvement and other aspects of life. It is no secret that there are many women who feel much happier after a divorce than when they are married.

Of course, every woman deep down hopes that she can change a loved one. Hope dies last. Women believe that patience can solve any personal problem. And patience really helps to avoid quarrels, but they don't make them happier.

If you are a romantic and sensitive woman, for whom a warm family hearth is much more important than some kind of career and other pragmatic goals, look for a man who shares your values. There is no need to spend precious years of your life on an egoist who ruins you with his indifference (unless, of course, you are completely and completely sure that the problem is in your man, and not in yourself, because it happens that women do not "pamper" too much their men with care and female affection, but now not about that).

There is a well-known practice - to divide a sheet of paper, and on the one hand, write down all the negative aspects that you see during a divorce - raising children, the financial side, the status of a married woman, and others. And on the other hand, the positive that you gain at the same time - freedom from painful relationships, opening horizons of self-realization, the opportunity to meet your true love or just a person who shares your views on life and relationships of loved ones, with whom you will feel comfortable going through life. Then "weigh" each position depending on its importance for you, place its specific weight (for example, in percentage) in front of each item - and make a decision based on this analysis.

Perhaps you do not classify yourself as one of the above categories of women. Nevertheless, you still tend more towards certain values: career-independence-being in demand as a person or family-everyday life-home comfort. Look deep into your soul, how do you see your future life in the event of a divorce, but what about the preservation of the marriage? Does she scare or inspire you? Are you feeling relieved and open to new events and changes, or oppressed and confused? The era of dependent women is long gone, and stereotypes are rather blurred today, society accepts any outcome of events, so the main reference point is only your well-being, mental balance. Understand that loneliness is your problem, the solution of which depends on you, and not on your husband, and finding a harmonious life situation is now your task. Life is impetuous, it's time to live now, and not hope for better times, to breathe in all its charms with a full breast. Make a wise decision.

∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗ ∗

What do THEY (men) think? Roughly and clearly - about partners for the long term and sex for one time ... It turns out that they are looking for a friend in a woman, endowed with intelligence and a sense of humor. It turns out that the girl's erudition, curiosity is important to them, so that it is interesting with her, which makes the relationship strong.

Video - a man's view of relationships or "how to tie a man to yourself?":