Uncontrolled bouts of aggression and outbursts of anger in men and women: causes, methods of struggle. The essence of the manifestation of unmotivated aggression

Aggression is a way of expressing anger. Even the most meek person cannot claim to be free from it, because this is an evolutionary survival mechanism. In reasonable doses, aggression is needed to take traffic jams, "burning" projects and intractable partners by storm. But there are such forms of it that are difficult to identify, which means that it is not easy to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most sophisticated and destructive. Often spouses use passive-aggressive behavior to avoid short-term conflict. But in the long run, its consequences can be more damaging to a marriage than an expression of outright aggression.

The word "passive" in translation from Latin means "suffering". “Passive aggression really hits its source no less than the person it is directed at,” says Galina Turetskaya, PhD in Psychology and a practicing relationship coach. “It becomes a breeding ground for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of rejection, intimophobia (fear of emotional closeness), fear of facing one's own and other people's emotions.” This gives rise to defensive reaction: emotional distancing, avoidance of intimacy in relationships. When a child is scared, he cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, only clothe it in "decent" forms: avoids communication, forgets, does not participate in relationships under plausible pretexts, hangs out a sign "has gone into myself, I will not be back soon." And if in social situations (at work, in the company of friends) you can still close your eyes to this, then in personal relationships such behavior hurts both: both the partner who does not understand anything, and the aggressor himself. It is similar to the uprising of robots: against will, an autopilot turns on in the mind of a person, which knows only one program - to avoid, but so as not to look guilty.

Desire plus fear

First of all, it is important to understand that anger, powerlessness, and guilt are the most common reactions of women in a relationship with a passive aggressor. Remember that you are also human and have the right to emotions. By suppressing anger, you risk becoming a passive aggressor just like him. “Do not lead to an explosion: when faced with something that does not suit you, immediately express your reaction honestly and openly - then you can do it calmly. Formulate the problem and report it. And then suggest ways of solving that are convenient for you, ”advises Galina Turetskaya.

The passive aggressor also wants intimacy, but the fear of becoming addicted is stronger than the need for love. Desire plus fear is the formula for inaction. “Neither reciprocal ignoring (scattering in different corners), nor irritation, nor the manifestation of increased concern will lead to a good result,” says the psychologist. - It is important to remain calm and positive, showing by your appearance: I am ready for a dialogue, but you will have to take a step. After all, an active position is exactly what the partner is so afraid of. " Dry cleaning suit? Let there wait in the wings. Try to make an effort on yourself and not take the responsibility that has been passed on to you, do not fulfill his promises for your partner. Try to be calm about his excuses, do not try to catch him in a lie - he actually could be delayed at work. But even if he sat there to the bitter end, just not to go to the cinema, as you agreed, all the same, excuses are the best possible for him in this moment... Over time, as your partner gains experience of being actively involved in the relationship, they will be able to take on more responsibility.

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Psychoanalyst and genetic psychologist Dmitry Kalinsky notes that at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this "disease." After all, society prescribes us to be soft and non-contentious. Under the pressure of a stereotype of femininity or fear of losing a relationship, aggression takes on latent forms.
“We have been dating Ivan for several months, and I would very much like this relationship to develop into a marriage,” admits Marina (27). - But sometimes I feel that he does not understand me. Recently, knowing that I work from home, I arrived unannounced with flowers and sweets. I could not explain that I could not give him time, that he was inappropriate and distracted me. She took the bouquet over the threshold and talked out of urgent work. For some reason he was offended. " If a man behaved incorrectly, an open war could be declared against him. But he shows care, attention, demonstrates a desire to be around - there is nothing to complain about! Then the tools of hidden aggression are used, including tests for real men.
How often, at the beginning of a relationship, you arrange for your partner "lice tests", as if deliberately demonstrating your worst sides: capriciousness, irritability, playing in silence, nagging about or without. All these are also forms of passive aggression, but of a somewhat different kind. The subconscious signal of this behavior: "Love me like this - and then I will believe that you really love me." But you cannot control the line beyond which a slight female bitchiness develops into aggression. It's good if your character is experienced and patient enough to go through the trial period. And if not, you will soon turn into two disappointed people who have not understood who is to blame and what it was. The best thing in such a situation is to see a psychologist in order to understand the reasons and eliminate distrust in a man.

Do you trust me?

“Once I had a serious conflict at work,” recalls Evgenia (29). - The boyfriend called and asked how I felt, began to console me, advised something. The more he talked, the more angry I got. Later I sent him an SMS that I feel bad, I will leave for some time to my parents, when I return, I will call you back. I waited for my beloved to rush after me, regretted, hugged me. But he didn't. A few days later I dialed his number and heard the alienated "hello". The former warmth has disappeared somewhere, we have moved away from each other. "

The main effect of passive aggression is a lack of trust in a partner. Every time he wants to show his feelings, you slip away, evade. Beloved "catches the air with his hands." And this is what causes the most intense irritation. If it was possible to have a heart-to-heart talk with a passive aggressor, it would become clear: he himself is not happy with such a development of relations. Why is he doing this? Gestalt therapist Natalia Kundryukova explains: “To avoid even greater suffering. In many cases, this pattern (an unconsciously repetitive pattern of behavior) is formed during childhood. As a rule, in the first days and months of life, the child failed for some reason to form an emotional connection with a significant adult. For example, my mother could not pick him up immediately after birth, could not breastfeed, or went to work early. " The kid lacked emotional and physical contact, the basic need was not satisfied. That is why, in adulthood, when trying to form a close relationship, such a person unconsciously repeats his traumatic experience. Along with the desire to get closer, to receive attention and support, he experiences fear of rejection and shame for experiencing these desires. Instead of taking a step forward, asking for help and getting it, he begins to evade.

According to Natalia Kundryukova, it is necessary to realize and live the rejection received in early childhood. Unfortunately, it is impossible to do this on your own, without the help of a therapist. It is important for a person suffering from passive aggression to understand: this way of behavior destroys both relationships with dear people and his own body. Probably the best way out is to accumulate resources (determination, hope and money) and try to work with a psychologist in a one-to-one consultation format. Inner pain and mistrust can be experienced. Or you may have to choose a safe distance in your relationship and give up the thought of intimacy.

How to recognize a passive aggressor

She puts things off until it's too late.

Doesn't keep promises, “forgets” about agreements, avoids emotional closeness.

Denies, turns everything upside down, making the partner guilty.

Unclearly expresses its position, confuses traces.

Does not show attention: does not call, does not write SMS.

Sends conflicting signals: for example, he talks about love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.

Never apologizes.

4 strategies effective interaction with a passive aggressor from Signe Whitson, author of The Wicked Smile: The Psychology of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in the Family and at Work:

TEXT: Galina Turova

Laughter, love, joy, kindness ... Aggression is one of human emotions, only with a negative meaning. Each of the manifestations human psyche is given to us by nature, but every sane person should understand how unpleasant and even dangerous this emotion is for others, and for this reason, try to restrain it. If this is not done, the negative will grow like a snowball, and it is extremely problematic to get out of this state.

Causes of aggression

You need to understand that absolutely every person can be subject to aggression. But someone can restrain their emotions so as not to splash negative on the heads of those around them, and someone cannot or even does not want to cope with this negative.

A person in a fit of aggression experiences a deterioration of not only mental, but also physical condition. His pulse and palpitations become more frequent, tingling sensations in the neck and shoulders are possible. In this state, the "aggressor" is capable of doing a lot of stupid things, which he will later regret, offend, or even hit someone who turns up inappropriately under the arm.

Often people cannot even understand why they have so much anger towards others. To suppress aggression, you first need to find out the reasons for its occurrence, to find the origins.

There are many reasons that can lead to the emergence of negative emotions.

The causes of aggression can be:

1. Hormonal changes in the body due to various diseases, as well as a lack of essential substances.
2. Hunger. Women who follow a weight loss system very often vent their irritation on others.
3. Constant stress, depression, overwork.
4. Short-term extraneous stimuli. Suffice it to recall the expression: "I got up on the wrong foot."
5. Hard work. This is especially true for women who are overworked at work, and yet there is still a lot of work to do at home. Lack of time, lack of sleep, as a rule, lead to an increase in irritation, which, sooner or later, will result in an outbreak of aggression.
6. You can get negative emotions in the course of an argument, if you failed to prove your point of view.
7. Depression and, as a result, an aggressive state can arise from unfulfilled plans, overestimated expectations. For example, a person was counting on a promotion, but did not get it, or a woman planned to lose 15 kilograms during a diet, but got rid of only 6 kg.

By the way, it is believed that aggression is the oldest instinct that promotes survival.

Types of aggression

The key to a successful fight against aggression is to determine not only the reasons for its appearance, but also the types:

1. Verbal- direct aggression that does not involve physical impact. May be due to bad mood, bad day. As a rule, the "aggressor" breaks down on the person who is nearby, turning to shouting and gesticulating sharply.
2. Hostile aggression, expressed in the intention of a person to inflict physical harm on another, to accompany rude words not only with gestures, but also with a blow.
3. Instrumental is expressed in the intention of a person to throw out his anger not by physical impact on another person, but by imitation of this action with the help of, for example, a punching bag. This is a good kind of aggression and it is aimed at the desire to learn how to manage your emotions, not to let other people suffer from them.
4. Unmotivated. Man cannot explain the reason bad mood... It can be both direct and hidden, when the symptoms are carefully hidden from others.
5. Straight. In this case, the "aggressor" does not intend to hide the bad mood and directly makes it clear to the chosen object that he does not like it.
6. Indirect. A person in a state of this type of aggression may often not understand that he is experiencing aggression towards the subject. An example is the feeling of envy.

Learn adequate behavior, perceive correctly external factors, it would seem that it is so easy not to give the negative a way out. However, all this needs to be learned.

What to do if everything annoys you:

• Don't be provoked.
• Do not respond with anger to bullying and unkind attacks.
• Analyze the situation, it is quite possible that you are making an elephant out of a fly.
• Don't fall into the traps you set. For example, if you are a victim of defamation, do not waste time making excuses. Time will put everything in its place.

Now you know how to deal with aggressive behavior. The most important thing is not to let the situation take its course and try to solve it.

Video: how to get rid of aggression with yoga

A similar condition occurs periodically among the fair sex in connection with the emergence of critical situations, various conflicts, as well as as a result nervous overstrain.

If outbursts of anger are observed unmotivated and unreasonably, and also become quite frequent, then you need to think about what reasons led to the emergence of aggression. Very often, this behavior is reflected in a negative way on close relatives.

Tensions may arise in the family, which will result in conflicts. Constant violent behavior can even provoke a divorce. Therefore, such a condition in a woman must be brought back to normal as soon as possible; it may be necessary to use medications that calm the nervous system. I will consider in detail the causes of aggression and the treatment of women from attacks of a similar nature.

What are the causes of aggression?

The reasons for aggressive female behavior can be various internal problems, which include an increased sense of responsibility, chronic fatigue, some irritability, as well as self-doubt. The negative state that constantly accumulates in a person will eventually want to break through, which leads to outbursts of anger.

The reason for the emergence of aggression can be a rather fast pace of life, excessive psychological stress that can be endured with difficulty, in addition, failures in a career, as well as in personal life. A woman may become aggressive as a result of things not going according to plan, as she would like.

Very often, in such a situation, it is quite difficult to control your aggressiveness, and besides, sometimes it can come to assault. If attention is not paid to this problem, then expressed psychological problems that will negatively affect personal relationships.

Sudden aggressive attacks in the female population can be a warning that there are serious physiological reasons, for example, vascular problems and endocrine pathology, the use of hormonal pharmaceuticals, in addition, postpartum injuries. To find out exactly, it is necessary to carry out diagnostic measures in a timely manner in order to clarify the cause of the development of aggression.

Also, aggressive behavior in a woman may be against the background of a lack of male attention, since this will have a negative effect on the nervous system, which often leads to depression and neuroses, often turning into hysterical behavior and anger.

Treatment for bouts of aggression

How to deal with aggression? First of all, a woman needs to reconsider her own life, maybe it is worth slowing down her active pace. Any person constantly needs a good and complete rest. The risk of aggression increases with high loads... It is important to learn to avoid stressful situations.

A woman should learn to engage in introspection, she should understand what exactly provokes the development of negative emotions, in addition, she should try to find a way out of the current negative situation.

Getting enough sleep is very important to be able to control your outbursts of anger. Frequent lack of sleep can easily provoke negative emotions in a woman. Before going to bed, you can use various soothing teas, they will help to relax the body and fall asleep quickly.

If you ignore irritability, and also do not resort to the help of high-quality treatment measures, then the risk of developing psychological problems, as well as diseases, increases. As for the features of attacks of aggression, they usually appear suddenly, and just as abruptly disappear.

Usually, after aggressive behavior and the splash of excessive negative emotions, a woman may feel guilty, and it is also possible that a depressive state will develop, which sometimes requires specialized treatment with the use of medications from the group of antidepressants.

Therefore, it is very important for a woman to control her own state, her emotions; she should not bring aggressive behavior to its climax. Nevertheless, one should not accumulate negative emotions in oneself either, since at some point patience may end and this will cause a surge of negativity, which will to some extent be directed to loved ones.

In addition, with bouts of aggression in a woman, the risk of cardiovascular pathology is much higher. It is very important to learn to control your emotions, in addition, sedative pharmaceuticals can come to the rescue. In this case, you should consult with a doctor who will recommend a specific drug, which should be drunk in a course and the nervous system will be in order.

If you do not pay attention to your aggressive behavior, this can result in family conflicts, which will be provoked by the woman. Therefore, in order to maintain relations in the family, it is recommended to contact a specialist in a timely manner who will help resolve the situation, it may not be possible to do without the use of some medicinal pharmaceuticals.

Conclusion

When a woman experiences bouts of aggression, she should carefully consider her condition, as it should be corrected in a timely manner so as not to aggravate the situation.

Aggressive behavior can be caused by troubles at work, financial difficulties or everyday life. In men, this can be the result of prolonged sexual abstinence or jealousy. Such behavior is always unpleasant for both others and the aggressor himself. Unlike clinical scoundrels who take pleasure in splashing negativity on others, healthy people, after bouts of rage, experience remorse and try to make amends.

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Outbursts of anger that threaten the physical health of those around you are a symptom of a serious mental disorder that requires special treatment. Male aggression is especially destructive.

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  Types of aggression

  The famous psychologist Erich Fromm identified two main types of aggression: benign - the purpose of which is to protect one's own interests and malignant - an acquired model of behavior associated with humiliation, psychological pressure or even physical violence against others in order to raise one's authority. Today psychologists subdivide aggression into the following types:

  1. 1. Active. It is observed in people with destructive behavior, which is characterized by the predominance of physical methods of reprisal: swearing, screaming, constant discontent, intonation, facial expressions and gestures.
  2. 2. Passive... It is more common in families with difficult relationships, when spouses ignore any requests from each other, without entering into conflicts. This is true for both women and men. Over time, negative emotions accumulate and one day they spill out. The danger of passive aggression lies in the fact that it is it that becomes the cause of serious crimes against loved ones and relatives.
  3. 3. Autoaggression... This state is associated with negative energy directed inward. A person prone to auto-aggression, in the process of attacks, causes physical harm (up to serious) to himself.
  4. 4. Narcotic and alcoholic. Comes in a state of alcoholic or drug intoxication due to the death of nerve cells. A person loses the ability to perceive correctly the world, surrendering to primitive instincts.
  5. 5. Family. It consists in the moral or physical pressure of one partner in relation to another. Sexual dissatisfaction, jealousy, financial issues, and a lack of understanding are usually the reasons for this aggression. In the animal kingdom, males show exactly this type of aggression: whoever growls louder, he owns the territory. Such behavior (usually in men) destroys the mental health of relatives who are forced to be near the aggressor. The extreme form of this type of aggression is the transition from threats and abuse to physical violence.
  6. 6. Instrumental... Serves as a tool to get the desired result. For example, a person has the goal of getting on a shuttle bus, but there are no free seats. He uses aggression against one of the passengers to give him a seat.
  7. 7. Targeted or motivated. Pre-planned actions against a specific person. It can be revenge for treason, a desire to humiliate someone. Targeted aggression is usually shown by people who were brought up in a dysfunctional family and did not know the care of their relatives.

  The most common types of aggression are alcoholic and familial. In such cases, people often ignore the help of psychologists and if the attacks do not affect others, relatives try to keep it a secret. For this reason, such situations have become the norm in society, especially with regard to male aggression.

  Causes

  Uncontrolled aggression can manifest itself according to certain psychological reasons or be a sign of the development of a serious pathology:

  1. 1. Constant overwork and stress. Due to the overly active rhythm of modern life, people constantly lack sleep and get tired. This leads to increased irritability and irascibility. Usually a person is not aware of such emotions, and when the accumulated negative is expressed in bouts of aggression, he does not understand the reasons for such a reaction.
  2. 2. Hyperthyroidism- hormonal disorders, malfunction of the thyroid gland. This syndrome is more common in women. A person may be hungry but still be underweight. A large amount of food consumed does not affect the figure in any way. Symptoms of the pathology are: increased nervousness, excessive activity, redness of the skin and increased sweating.
  3. 3. Excess weight... Excess fat promotes the production of estrogen in the body, which has a negative impact on the psyche. To prevent this from happening, it is enough to get rid of excess weight.
  4. 4. Tumors and injuries... Excitability is often associated with damage to the cerebral cortex. At the same time, aggression and excessive activity is replaced by apathy. All of these symptoms indicate serious injury or the development of a malignant neoplasm.
  5. 5. Personality disorders. Many people with schizophrenia live normal lives and pose no danger to society. During periods of exacerbation, they have an increase in aggressiveness, which requires special treatment.
  6. 6. Neurological diseases. Uncontrolled attacks of aggression can be a sign of serious pathologies and often lead to the development of Alzheimer's disease. The patient gradually loses the meaning of life and withdraws into himself. Signs of pathology are increased aggressiveness and partial memory loss.
  7. 7. Sociopathy, stress disorders and alcoholism... The first is a character anomaly, when the patient does not need communication and is even afraid of it. This is a congenital pathology associated with underdevelopment. nervous system... Stress disorders lead to hostility, especially when the person is regularly at the center of problems. Uncontrolled outbursts of aggression are a symptom of alcoholism.

  

  Features of aggression in men

  In addition to these reasons, uncontrollable outbursts of aggression are characteristic of male psychopaths. They are distinguished by pronounced emotionality, lack of discipline and restraint. Usually such people have alcohol dependence, a tendency to aggression and conflicts. In relation to their partner, psychopaths often show excessive care and helpfulness: they look after and smile beautifully. This is all insincere. With such a disease, a man is able to pretend and deceive a woman for a long time, after which, in a fit, he can humiliate, offend and leave.

  Hormonal disruptions account for a huge proportion of aggressive outbursts in men. A person's emotions largely depend on the ratio of important hormones, the lack of which leads not only to aggression, but also to serious depression or severe psychiatric pathologies. The hormone testosterone is responsible for sex drive and aggression. Therefore, very rude and angry men are called "testosterone male". A lack of serotonin contributes to the development of persistent dissatisfaction.

  Sudden irritability in men can be a sign of a midlife crisis. The maximalism inherent in young men passes, and a person begins to carefully weigh all his decisions. He doubts almost everything: in his career, spouse, friends. This self-delusion, coupled with a sense of missed opportunities, destroys nerve cells make a man less tolerant and outgoing. He thinks that there is still time to completely change his life at one time. It seems that no one understands this and such ill-wishers can be put in their place by force. Such a state through certain time passes. It is important to understand that periods of depression are normal and not a reason to ruin your life.

  Next peak age crisis- pension. Men are much more difficult than women to endure this period. It seems that life has stopped, and others have ceased to respect immediately after going on a well-deserved rest.

  

  Among women

  Female aggression is not always self-defense. Psychologists believe that one of the important reasons is a weak character, a lack of understanding of others and an inability to adapt to life's troubles. Constant problems and lack of help in solving them end in emotional breakdowns. Aggressive energy, directed in the right direction, allows a woman not only to overcome difficulties, but also to avoid threats. Experts believe that brief bouts of aggression can activate vital energy.

  The modern rhythm of life, troubles in school or relationships with a guy become the reason for the manifestation of aggression in girls and women. They justify their behavior with money problems or a lack of love and attention. As a result, they break down on a partner and children. Physical abuse is rare among the fairer sex, but they can deliberately ruin things or break dishes.

  Uncontrolled outbursts of aggression are often associated with postpartum depression. The birth of a baby, taking care of him is a big burden on the shoulders of a woman. During this period, hormonal changes occur in the body, the mother becomes more sensitive and often cannot cope with her emotions. The whole life after childbirth is turned upside down: favorite work is in the past, an incredible amount of household chores appears, there is neither time nor energy for a hobby. All this introduces a woman to despair, she becomes nervous and takes out all the negativity not only on loved ones, but also on the child.

  To alleviate the condition and prevent bouts of anger, it is necessary to divide responsibilities among all family members.

  In children and adolescents

  Unmotivated attacks of aggression in a child may occur as a result of improper upbringing. Excessive custody or lack of it is deposited in the mind of the baby. It is difficult to fix this, as children perceive such an attitude very sharply. In boys, the peak of aggression occurs at 13-14 years old, in girls - at 11-12. The child becomes angry after not getting the desired result or for no reason at all. All teenagers are sure that no one understands them.

  The result is constant irritability and withdrawal. Parents in such cases should not put pressure on the child, but letting things go by themselves is also dangerous.

  Psychologists identify the following reasons for which child aggression occurs:

  • lack of emotional connection with loved ones;
  • aggressive behavior of one of the parents;
  • disrespect for the child;
  • hostile or indifferent attitude;
  • lack of freedom;
  • impossibility of self-realization.

  Thus, parents themselves can provoke aggression in a child. It is important to remember that the lack of proper education is the main reason for the development of a pathological condition, which can lead to the need for treatment.

  Treatment

  It is good if a person is afraid of his rage, fears irreparable consequences, soberly assesses the situation and seeks help from specialists. Finding the cause of aggressive behavior and treating it is a psychiatrist's job.

  The specialist checks the presence or absence of influence on the psyche of factors such as past trauma, hormonal disruptions, lack of a regimen. After that, if there are no problems that need to be treated with medications, the patient is referred to a psychologist.

  The psychologist will recommend changing the pace of life: get more rest, take a vacation. It is very important to stop aggression by switching to another activity: a hobby or sports, to give a way out to negativity with the help of moderate physical exertion. It is possible to sublimate this state into other emotions, but only if there is no danger to others.

  In cases of severe pathology, the psychologist prescribes the use of sedative sedatives. Tranquilizers and antidepressants are recommended only in exceptional situations. Medication therapy at home is carried out under the supervision of a therapist. Most effective methods therapy of outbreaks of aggression: water procedures, physiotherapy exercises, massage.

  Long-term anger control

  Psychologists advise:

  1. 1. Transfer a number of responsibilities to subordinates and other family members. With hard work and a lot of household chores, you need to shorten the list of daily tasks and leave time for good rest.
  2. 2. Avoid stressful situations. You need to try to determine for yourself the most common cause of irritability. If you don't like riding an overloaded bus, taking a taxi or walking. If this is a forced communication with an unpleasant colleague, find another job, albeit with a lower salary. This will help maintain your health, because the consequences of stress are often problems with the heart and other vital organs.
  3. 3. Sleep at least 7-8 hours a day. Most people cannot feel well after 5 hours of sleep. Coffee and energy drinks will not help here, since the body does not fully recover during this time. As a result, the accumulated fatigue is expressed in fits of anger and the development of various diseases.
  4. 4. Drink herbal tea at the first sign of irritation: with mint, lemon balm or use natural sedatives.
  5. 5. Learn to deal with aggression in peaceful ways: beat a pillow, do push-ups, break an unnecessary plate. The main thing is not to harm anyone.
  6. 6. Contact with water. You can wash the dishes, take a bath.
  7. 7. Explore some relaxation exercises from visualization, meditation or breathing exercises.
  8. 8. Go to football and emotionally cheer for your favorite team.
  9. 9. Workout. Someone suits active exercises (dancing, running), others - gymnastics or yoga. You need to be careful about wrestling: some of its types help get rid of negative emotions, others only reinforce physical aggression.

  You need to learn how to correctly and constructively conflict with others - this will allow you to resolve the situation and do without scandal.

  How to deal with anger quickly

  To master self-control, it is necessary to study special phrases selected by psychologists. They should be carefully repeated several times to yourself at the first appearance of anger:

  • if you do not break down, you can emerge victorious from any situation;
  • everyone achieves his own goal, therefore there are no guilty and right;
  • I am not interested in the opinion of others, only I know the whole truth about myself;
  • no need to discuss anyone, scold and show your disdain;
  • use only neutral expressions in your vocabulary, avoiding sarcasm and aggression in them;
  • always speak calmly, using a minimum of emotions;

The content of the article:

Passive aggression is a tacit resistance to the speech (beliefs, actions) of your opponent, when they are not going to enter into open angry polemics with him. A person who has been subjected to such mental pressure remains “on his own mind” with his own, even if wrong, opinion. Such passive-aggressive behavior is considered a mental disorder, inherent in individuals who cannot openly resist someone else's judgment, are constantly irritated and look for flaws in other people.

What is a passive aggressor?

Passive aggression occurs in individuals with a weak nervous system who indifferently meet the hardships of life, without even trying to somehow minimize their negative impact. Such people are restless and indecisive, they question everyone, they are cautious on every occasion. For example, they can silently nod their heads, as if approving their opponent, but at the same time think, they say, “Emelya’s shallow, shallow, and we’ll see what happens.”

Unwillingness to solve their problems makes the person passive, trying not to run into conflict even when it is inevitable. Such people follow the path of least resistance, preferring not to do anything, but to look from the outside and condemn the actions of, say, the authorities, having their own “special” opinion on everything. These are vulnerable to external influences, which makes it possible to manipulate their consciousness and behavior.

Unwillingness to openly confront other people's opinions causes dissatisfaction with oneself, but a person cannot do anything about it. He withdraws into himself and is very worried, becomes a grouch, considers everyone around him bad, deceitful and selfish. Such people can be identified by eternal dissatisfaction, constant negative assessments of others, attempts to oppose their "passive" views to a different opinion.

It's important to know! The passive aggressor sees everyone in a black light, his people are bad, you should not trust them.

The main causes of passive aggression

The psychology of passive aggression is a poorly understood phenomenon, but psychologists have found that the passive-aggressive style of behavior is less pronounced in women. In men, it occurs 2 times more often.

Common causes of passive aggression

Such manners are manifested in addicted people who are afraid to openly express their opinions because of the fear of being punished. IN interpersonal relationships they feel humiliated, they are oppressed by a sense of guilt.

Let's consider all these factors in more detail. These include:

• Passivity... When, due to the weakness of their character, they shy away from decisive actions even to the detriment of themselves. I don’t want to be active, it’s better to let it be. Such a person is easy to manipulate, although he may not agree with another point of view, but he will not openly criticize it. The main thing is your own calmness, and therefore it is better to silently "serve" any objectionable opinion.
• Indecision... Associated with low self-esteem, inability to independently solve their problems. A person is afraid to express his judgment, because he considers him immature, frivolous. If he offers his point of view, they will laugh at him. Such a "downturn" of oneself leads to a tacit agreement with the imposed gaze. A silent "aggression" to a contrary opinion arises in the soul.
• Anxiety... Too suspicious in constant anxiety that everything in life is not at all like that. This leads to depression. Anxious-depressive individuals fall into apathy when there is no strength to resist. In this state, they may agree to an opinion that runs counter to their own. If only they were left behind. Although a silent resistance arises in the soul against the one who "stuck" with his judgment.
• Desire to look good in the eyes of others... It is peculiar to indecisive people. It is associated with a weakness of character, when your judgment is hidden deep inside the soul. I will do as you say, just to say good about me. Such conformism often hides passive aggression, anger does not come out so that others do not think badly of the person.
• Credulity... When the tendency to trust borders on the naivety of the child. A person does not even think about what can happen to him if he agrees with someone else's opinion, which is sharply different from his own. He just takes his word for it, and this leads to the manipulation of his mind.
• Fear of negative experiences... I do not agree with the other opinion, but if I speak out against it, I will get a bunch of negative emotions. Why are they? It is better to silently accept a different judgment, but on occasion always have your own "special" point of view. A sort of tacitly aggressive, irritable personality.
• Psychological addiction... A person is dependent, for example, on his employer. He "presses", imposes his point of view, although it is completely unacceptable, but you need to agree with it, otherwise you can lose your job. This is how a person becomes in the "pose" of a silent aggressor.
• Vague self-awareness... When everything around is perceived as lacking clarity, alienated. With such a perception, a different opinion is perceived uncritically, although it can differ sharply from one's own.
• Love for pleasure... A person has his own position, but the craving for pleasure makes him restrain his judgments, as this can affect his image. In such cases, he will limit himself to "cautious aggression", tacitly or secretly condemn people who impose their point of view on him.
• Impressionability... Often combined with suspiciousness and gullibility. Overly impressionable people quite often sacrifice their opinions to something else. Realizing that they did wrong, they get irritated, but hide their anger behind passive aggression - harsh words against the person who imposed his position on them.
• Greed... Those who are too greedy cover up their disagreement with someone with quiet aggression - they do not express their anger vividly, because they are afraid to speak out publicly to the person on whom, for example, their material well-being depends.
• Arrogance... Too confident in themselves can act rashly, without consulting family and friends, then get upset, blaming the whole world for their failures. Realizing that they are wrong, they hide their dissatisfaction behind passive aggression, for example, in a close circle discussing people who made them make the wrong decision.

It's important to know! People who are unsuccessful in their personal life and professional activity often become passive-aggressive.

What pushes men to quiet aggression?

Why men become quiet aggressors depends on many factors. First of all, this is due to the character formed under the influence of a weak nervous system. Let's say a person keeps quiet about a problem or leaves it in dirty jokes. This happens because he is afraid to express his point of view, so as not to run into trouble, although he is not averse to scandal. It is good if upbringing, the general culture of the individual is reflected in such behavior. However, this is not always the case.

To recognize passive aggression in men, you need to know the signs of passive-aggressive behavior. These may include:

1. Speaks badly about everyone... He is afraid to be openly angry, he shows his discontent secretly. As in the joke about the lion and the hare. They were sitting in a restaurant, the lion got drunk and banged his fist on the table, they say, I'll show you now how to disagree with me. The hare with fright broke loose and ran away. At home, he tightly closed all the windows and also banged his fist on the table: "You won't scare me!"
2. Lack of initiative... When he silently listens and agrees with everything. Although he has his own opinion, he is afraid to express it due to his weakness of character. Such a person always tries to shift the responsibility onto others, often lies, apologizes for trifles.
3. Optional... He never fulfills his promise, having started work, he can quit with the words that he will finish later. And this "after" will drag on for a long time. On suggestions to do something, he reacts weakly, they say, all this is nonsense, nothing will come of it. In such actions and words lies the lack of confidence in their own actions, which is covered by hidden aggression, opposition to your opponent.
4. Genophobia... An insecure man is afraid of women, does not know how to talk to them, is afraid, for example, of hearing a harsh word from them in his address. He hides his quiet aggression towards the female sex behind bravura behavior, often accompanied by the words that they are all so-and-so, it is not worth communicating with them.
5. Modesty in everyday life... Such a person does not like to attract too much attention to himself. His behavior does not cause any complaints, the quiet-aggressive type does nasty things to people with a smile. A sort of innocent lamb.
6. Weak-willed character... She does not take the initiative, she seeks to hide behind someone else's back, often it is female. Completely under the thumb of the mother or wife, they solve all household problems for him. At work, he is dependent on his superiors, he always agrees with him in everything. Even if he doesn't think so at all. Because of this, he constantly feels guilty, but does not "resist evil with violence." All his resistance goes into quiet aggression: bad reviews, for example, about a boss or a neighbor.
7. Alcoholism, substance abuse... A striking example of the passive aggression of men is a passion for alcohol or any kind of "mania", for example, drug addiction. Complexity, fear of openly declaring their position, entering into a public dispute, make you worry. A person seems to himself a coward, in order to look bold, he begins to use intoxicants. In a state of intoxication, he feels a surge of strength. Then he will show those who do not reckon with him! And when he sober up, the aggressiveness disappears, he is again quieter than water below the grass.
8. Soullessness... A man suffers so much from his worthlessness, fear of proving himself, that he has no time for others. He simply forgets that he is surrounded by people who want to be kind to themselves. They never apologize if they did something awkward. And why, he (she) and so will survive.
9. Never clearly states his position... He always has it vague and vague. Today there may be one opinion, but after a while - completely different. It all depends on the environment in which he is.
10. Comes contradictory... Yesterday I said one thing, but today it is completely different, it acts depending on the situation, adjusts to the momentary opinion.

It's important to know! A passive-aggressive man is an immature, weak-willed and lack of initiative person who cannot properly dispose of the abilities given to him by nature, and therefore covers his passivity with hidden aggression towards active, active people.

Woman is a silent aggressor

Passive aggression in women is much less common than in men. The fair sex, getting into an unpleasant situation, tries to throw out negative emotions, noisily reacting to criticism addressed to him. This is due to the peculiarities of the emotional sphere. However, such a character trait as, for example, caution, makes you refrain from harsh assessments of your interlocutor.

Let us consider in more detail what character traits help a woman to restrain anger, translating it into a channel of quiet aggression. These include:

• The ability to think about the consequences... They say that women are very emotional, at first they shout, swear, and then they begin to comprehend what they have done. But that's not really correct judgment... Many representatives of the fairer sex quite adequately react in a critical situation for them. And they restrain their negative emotions, ready to escape from their lips with screaming and abuse. Because they understand that the consequences of such behavior can affect their, say, career. It is better to restrain yourself and not "paraffin" your boss, but to express all the barbs addressed to him in a narrow circle, when there is confidence that these words will not cause undesirable consequences.
• Flattery... Some famous person said that "flattery is aggression on your knees." If a person flatters a lot, it means that he hates, but is afraid to openly say about it, hiding his hatred under the guise of obsequiousness. To a greater extent, this behavior is inherent in women. Let's say she is afraid of the man with whom she has brought life, and hides her true attitude towards him with excessive praise. In fact, she lives in a humiliated position.
• Humility... Being overly submissive has never been a good quality for either man or woman. A submissive person is like a doormat on which anyone who wants to can wipe their feet. This generates aggression, which, due to the nature of his character, cannot be publicly expressed by a person. To the laureate Nobel Prize the writer Elias Canetti (1905-1994) owns the expression that “The one who carried out the order needs some kind of compensation. Obedience breeds aggressiveness. "
• Eternal discontent... If a woman is unhappy with everyone around her, she constantly condemns everyone, speaks of people with disdain. Your aggression towards outside world disguises in negative statements.
• Flawed self-awareness... When any remark hurts a woman's pride, a lady is capable of any bad deed, but she is afraid to openly do it, "as if something happens." Aggressiveness turns into a quiet, completely harmless form, often hiding behind verbal "secret" attacks towards the offender.
• Dissatisfaction with yourself... She is unhappy with her actions, understands this, but she cannot help herself. The accumulated irritation breaks down on others, speaks out towards them in an aggressive form, but within the bounds of decency. Not accompanied by screams, tears and beating, for example, dishes. It calms you down and gives you a false sense of superiority over your imaginary enemy.
• Jealousy... Let's say a girlfriend is to a loved one. Or at work they praise the friend, not her. Envy arises, but you don't want to openly break off the relationship. How will others react? On this basis, quiet aggression arises, which can be expressed in exaggerated praise of the girlfriend. Unfriendliness towards her is diligently hiding.
• Low self-esteem... From childhood, the little girl in the family was humiliated, spoke badly about her. She resigned herself to such an assessment of her personality, she was afraid to openly oppose her. With age, the feeling of inferiority has firmly settled in the soul. The girl grew up insecure, fearful, deeply hiding the germs of aggression in her heart, considering the world cruel and unfair. Therefore, he condemns him in his statements.

It's important to know! From a psychological point of view, passive aggression is beneficial. Since it is a kind of spiritual fulcrum, which gives a hidden feeling of superiority over those who, willingly or unwittingly, offend. However, you need to understand that this is typical for people who are physically and spiritually weak.

What if there is a passive aggressor nearby?

How to resist passive aggression, if you know that your, say, friends treat you kindly in words, and muddy you behind your back? What should be done to avoid unpleasant communication with them, or maybe it is necessary to interrupt it forever? Tips here can be different.

In this case, the fight against passive aggression depends primarily on the realization of the fact that in your environment there are persons suffering from this mental defect. If this understanding comes, then a number of measures should be taken to get rid of the influence of these people. Let's say to talk to them frankly.

However, there may be another option when you yourself suffer from such a disorder. And then what needs to be done, how to deal with passive aggression, so as not to disturb your own peace, your loved ones and friends?

First of all, you need to figure out why this person causes an unpleasant feeling in me. Who is to blame for this, perhaps I give him a reason to talk about me unflattering. Also, you should not judge other people for their actions if they do not concern you directly. "And who cares where the spray will fly?" This means that it is not at all necessary to react nervously to something that does not affect you personally.

To know how to get rid of passive aggression, you need to understand that it is the lot of the weak in spirit. Various psychological trainings will help here to work on character, for example, on introspection and correction of their actions.

Envy is not life's best counselor. English proverb says that "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." When they are jealous of others, speaking angrily or unkindly about them, they destroy their own lives. Because any aggression, be it open or quiet, underlies destruction, not creation.

And one must remember that one should never destroy the joy of others. Even if it seems to you a trifle. Let people rejoice if it gives them pleasure. And pouring your “spoon” of causticity into someone else's "barrel" of delight is evil. Such involuntary aggression, said at least completely harmlessly, is a pledge bad relationship.

Passive aggressors are usually losers. No need to buy a ticket for the unlucky carriage. In such a good life you won't leave.

What is passive aggression - look at the video:

Sigmund Freud said that "the other person is always an object to satisfy his aggressiveness." But this is for a morally immature person. Only spiritual work on oneself will help to avoid all the troubles associated with passive aggression.