Question to priest's bad attitude of the mother. Independence - the natural need of youth
Parents occupy an important place in the formation and development of every person. While the child is small, he strongly needs that care and support that loving mom and dad surrounds. Becoming adults, we learn to make decisions yourself, take responsibility for our fate and for those who have grown us. The psychologist will help to cope with the difficulty of autonomous life. Separation - separation from parents, which normally occurs after the age of adults is achieved. However, a great role is played here to live independently, to accept responsibility. Not all young people are ready for this to eighteen years. In addition, much depends on the financial situation of the family, from personal opportunities.
Separation from parents is the desired and necessary stage that can not be alone any living being. Thanks to this process, the personality receives a colossal incentive to self-realization. It is noticed that previously baby It is separated from mother and father, the more opportunities can open in themselves.
Problem separation
Despite the fact that the majority of young people with enthusiasm rushed into an independent life, the process of true separation from the family is accompanied by numerous difficulties. Not all parents are happy to send to "independent swimming". Many mothers suffer from being trying to warn free about possible "danger," thereby unconsciously imposing their fears and doubts. A young man and a girl, reaching the age of majority, are asked about how to live, what ideals to follow, where to find the only right way for ourselves? It is extremely important to learn how to make decisions on their own, stop living in a direct pointer of adults.
The problem of separating the growing children is that not everyone has the opportunity to immediately acquire a separate living space. For many years, they continue to educate their own child.
Separation periods
The process of separating from a family in which man has grown, is a difficult way. It will take a lot of patience, attention, mental strength in order to achieve understanding with loved ones. At the same time, it is necessary to learn to defend their individual borders. Separation stages from parents pass one after another. It is only important to show patience and tact in these moments to not offend expensive and close people. What are these stages? What are they expressed in?
1. The feeling of deep inner dissatisfaction. A young man or girl begins to feel that they are not satisfied with their parents. Relatives are annoyed by exorbitant care, moraling and inability to introduce their ideas. At this stage, the usual picture of the world occurs, misunderstanding is growing. Emotional relationship with parents is still very strong, because the personality has no necessary self-confidence to act according to its own internal beliefs.
2. The need to live by their rules. At this stage there are conflicts with parents. Growing children seemed to be that they strongly limit the freedom of will and movement. Boys and girls are often starting to saddle father and mother, to act in the opposite way.
3. Search for opportunities and prospects. This period is characterized by way out on its own ways to solve important points. Yesterday's child should answer questions about how to live, how to get rid of the surrounding pressure? What is significant for a young man, he finds in close to him professional activity or love for a person of the opposite sex. Here there is a moment of mitigating the conflict, adopting an acute dramatic situation.
4. True branch. This stage comes after the previous one, when disturbing questions are solved between parents and children. It is important that there is no misunderstanding, otherwise it will be very difficult to return confidence. The true branch takes place after an adult child feels the strength to start living independently and will make concrete steps.
When it becomes harder
Separation from parents in adulthood is the worst that you can imagine. Everything should occur on time. So, without separating from mom with dad at twenty years, the young man inevitably begins to suffer. He has a dependence on his parents, and it is manifested by the non-independence of thinking, a sense of irritation when it comes to his personal borders. By twenty-five - thirty years, separation passes hard, the conflict becomes easy to avoid. It is right that the statement that the older is the person, the harder it is to start an independent life. The fact is that in adolescence everything seems simple and understandable, the person is striving for a self-expression. If the state of the desired freedom to achieve for some reason does not work, many cease to try to fix something.
One-sided separation from parents occurs in the case when someone from the participants in the process against the natural branch. Often, parents who limit the will of the beloved offset are guilty in the emergence of such a situation. Then the department passes hard and painfully, with tears, shouts, scandals, breaking relationships.
How to become an independent person
First of all, it is necessary to clearly realize the availability of a problem. It is impossible to correct the situation when there is no clear vision of how you would like to live. Searches for yourself - an important and necessary stage in the formation of a person. It takes everything without exception. The search for the meaning of life belongs to this period of detection of their own needs and needs. Separate from the parents is the dream of many young men and girls. But before taking active steps, you should think carefully.
Independence begins with liability. Only when you are ready to answer your own actions and actions, there are visible changes. A truly free person knows how to recognize the opinion of others, even if it does not correlate with his own position. If you are able to take care of yourself without asking someone who is really ready for adult independent life.
Individual thinking
In the youthful years there is an active development of self-consciousness. The person already has its ideas about the surrounding phenomena and events, the worldview is gradually formed. It is extremely important to raise the habit of thinking independently, based on individual beliefs. The driven person is difficult to live separately, because he constantly wants to feel support from those who are near. Own thinking is formed under the influence of certain life circumstances, which are brought up, helps to overcome difficulties in a timely manner.
If you want to start living on your own, do the formation of an individual picture of the world. An adult man usually imagines well that it is significant for him, and what is secondary. Get rid of the complex of an inconspicuous baby, then it will be easier to prepare for those difficulties that will have to face further.
Life goals
Separation from parents implies the presence of own plans and a huge desire to embody them into reality. You can not continue to live with the ideals of your parents, alone relying only on their wisdom. Attach every effort to make a self-sufficient person, which overcoming any obstacles on the shoulder. Each adult has its own goals and tasks. It is they who lead forward, help not surrender in difficult situations, and bring the work started to a logical completion. When we follow our beliefs, the world seems to reveal: a new understanding of the essence of things is coming. Having a concrete target, a person will not surrender, will not turn back, will not force himself to doubt his own prospects. The ability to remain faithful to itself expensive and characterizes the emotionally adult person.
Many girls do not know if there is no worthy companion of life nearby. In fact, you need to learn to rely on yourself, and not hope that someone will come and make sure, thereby allowing to feel satisfactory. Self-sufficiency is the thing unchanged: once gaining power over his life, a person, as a rule, does not refuse it from it. If the girl was seriously thinking about how to become independent, she is obliged to turn to his own heart. It will not deceive.
Creation
Creation is the basis of everything that is. Creative principle Everyone has, but not every person is deliberately engaged in self-development. The best quality characteristics, natural dating, talents - all this can be used to attract success. If you manage to find your niche, then you will feel very soon what will happen later? Additional prospects will open, the existence of which you have never suspected. You will have a special taste for life, things will begin to improve, good luck will become a constant companion. Just imagine that you will get a unique opportunity to do your favorite thing, implement your ideas. Believe me, not every person comes to such a generous invitation of fate. How is this related to the separation from parents?
The fact is that, having acquired self-sufficiency, you will get confidence and tomorrow. With such achievements, it is much easier to decide on a bold step. In addition, you will probably have the opportunity to pay for food and accommodation. And this very much increases self-esteem, as affected by the material level of life. Parents will certainly be proud of the achievements of their adult child!
Move
When the main searches were completed, the personality usually proceeds to decisive actions. In fact, why postpone the long-awaited event? How much joy and hopes it brings with you! Moving to a new place of residence becomes the logical conclusion of the separation process. Few people know that this difficulties do not end. A young man who has entered an independent life is in the root of consciousness, a way of thinking, the skill is acquired otherwise to look at the events. From the romantic mood, the young man suddenly moves to the prose of life: it is necessary to cook yourself, clean up in the apartment, solve everyday urgent tasks. Separation from parents implies that a young man or a girl is fully aware of what they expect them. All the difficulties are solved, and the joy of awareness of their own independence overlaps minor troubles.
After moving to a new place of residence, you will have additional troubles. They will be accompanied by difficulties that, of course, cannot be completely avoided. At the very first difficulties, you should not immediately contact your parents for help. Try to deal with the problem yourself: determine its essence, reasons, opportunities for an adequate solution. Remember that it does not happen.
Caring for an internal child
In each of us, despite the age, the little boy or a girl, who at one time needed the patronage of a large and strong parent, continues to live. Often, becoming adults, men and women find an insurmountable craving for comfort and security. I want someone at least for the day to make a decision of every problem. This is a normal state, and it is not necessary to be shy. Will be hurt if you start to try on the image strong manBut in reality you can not match him. The presence of a mask always prevents a person to remain self-sufficient and open. Stay sincere both with yourself and with the surrounding people.
To successfully cope with all the difficulties and at the same time remain an independent person, you need to learn to take care of your inner child. This means that you need to occasionally allow yourself to feel weakness, do not drown out negative emotions. Remember that the more resistance you have, the stronger you have to suffer. If you today for some reason sadly, you can reflect a little over your actions. But avoid tough self-criticism, it deprives a person self-confidence and tomorrow. Caring for the inner child means that you will relate to yourself most attentively. Imagine that you really have a tiny defenseless creature. Do not be afraid to give him your love, care and attention.
Consequences of unfinished separation
Sometimes it happens that the process of separation from parents is not completely completely. The reasons for this are different: the powerful father and mother, the impossibility of understanding each other, initially stretched relationships. It happens that an adult child, separating from his parents, allows for a serious mistake and is subsequently disappointed in itself. In this case, the personality feels inner dissatisfaction, it becomes difficult for it to cope with his own emotions. Negative feelings overlook the irrepressible wave and completely subordinate to themselves. Do you need to say that a person is lost by the taste of life, constantly dominates a bad mood?
The consequences of incomplete separation are very crying: insecurity, fear of making serious decisions. Such a person continues to live with a loaf to society, afraid of his own desires. It does not seek opportunities for self-realization, and runs away from them.
Thus, separation from parents is an important step in the development of personality. It helps to manifest individuality, establish itself faith in the existing perspectives. If the department is not done on time, then a person will not be able to actively act, live in harmony with its inner nature.
"To read the Father and Mother" - the famous commandment. And how it is not easy to fulfill her in everyday life! ... when mom persistently breaks up an adult son; Dad "Pilit" daughter for not there works and not with those friends; Children do not allow themselves to listen to parents or once again to help them in the housework - once ...
How to make steps towards improving relationships with parents and why it is very important - "Thomas" talks with a psychologist-consultant, Deputy General Director of the Psychological Service "Family Good" Gleb.
Why "fathers and children"?
- Gleb Valerevich, say that relations with parents affect the whole life of a person - on his own family, relationships at work
and so on. Why are these relationships so meaning?
You see, we are not born by a blank sheet. Parents give us life and together with it specific individuals and psychological features, transmit cultural and spiritual inheritance accumulated by them. The Lord God set a certain order: husband and his wife give birth to children and raise them. And what we have exactly these Parents, and not others - the fact that you need to take as part of your life.
And therefore, reverence of parents - the obligation arising from this fact and at the same time a moral and psychological task. It is necessary to learn to read them not for excellent qualities, but simply on the fact of their birth from them. Often people proceed from whether they are easy to communicate with their parents or not: if it is easy - you can read them, if hard - then you can not communicate or offended on them, quarrel, reproach. Not! Mother and father are those people with whom it is fundamentally important to us to build harmonious relationships, it is important for compliance with the commandments of God and for parents, and for themselves.
- Otherwise - what? ..
Otherwise, I think a person will not be able to be completely happy.
Parents are a link connecting us with previous generations. And conflicts with them, the condemnation of them, rejection prevents us from feeling this belonging to the family, which means to comprehend life as an entire; deprives the experience of the relationship, can cause the experience of his loneliness, unnecessaryness, left.
Old insults
Frequent soil for alienation - resentment from childhood: "They were too strict with me, they did not love me"; "I was too worked out"; "Dad was despotic"; "Mom did not allow me to do what I have drawn." How to overcome such things?
Let's first aware that from a spiritual point of view, such words are ropot. Ropot on God. In other words, a person says: "Lord, you felt bad about me. Gave me not such parents, that's why I'm worse now than could be. But there is no no my responsibility! " And the rate and self-assessment are joined to the ropot. It harms a person, depriving him to change anything in his life. And creates the ground for alienation from parents.
- And just time such resentments do not treat?
Not. Hazdha delays a man as the pool, it can, on the contrary, to gain strength, turn into a sinful skill: you get used to accuse others and in this get satisfaction and benefit - why, they say, something to correct, it's not about me, but in parents ?
The state of resentment is rather dangerous and unproductive: the person is internally passive, he is in captivity of the experiences with imaginary injustice, pity for himself, anger in relation to others. And in fact, trying to get away from responsibility for his life, for himself.
- What is the way out?
Here, the only way out is to deal with himself, to accept the circumstances of your life as a faithful fact, to accept him and thereby move to the active inner position of the Creator of your life.
Maybe there really was something for you in childhood. But you have life, there are hands, legs, head: how do you use them? What you send? What goals are you set? This is no longer parent's hands-head, they are yours, belong to you. So, responsibility lies with you.
Therefore, a person can look at himself and say: "To date, I just such. What can I do now with this? Do I want to do something? " I would advise it to be stricter to treat myself, ask yourself these questions, find answers, but do not sit Sydney, do not let go of the situation on Samotek. The time is not standing on the spot, as if not to be late ...
There is a popular today: mentally re-live a unpleasant, offensive situation ... In your opinion, is it a permissible reception?
I remembered one case, who described Metropolitan Surozhsky Anthony (Bloom): the elderly lady came to him, suffering from insomnia. When she went to bed, various unpleasant situations from the past popped up in her memory. And Vladyka gave such advice: "When that or that situation pops up in your memory, ask yourself a question: if it were repeated now, how would I do?" And she began to do that. It was the moment of inner repentance, reassessing the past, as far as I understand. She said: "Yes, here I would lead myself wrong; I would not say such words. " And gradually these memories stopped to torment it.
So - yes, this technique is possible. But! The principal moment here is its own repentance, the search for its responsibility in that situation in the past! Not just passively remembering it, but to change the criteria for its assessment, change the attitude towards people participating in it.
Otherwise, it turns out the Manilovshchina: "Ah, that's if they were then ..., then I would now ...". It is very important sober, self-critical attitude. The task of a person is not to change the past, do not forget it, but to see, find the meaning in those situations of many years ago, to which he complains; To reconcile with the past, take it as part of my life and move on it further. It helps to gain internal integrity and harmony.
- But here it is not about your mistakes ...
Suppose, but ask yourself: unless me nowin my life I do not make mistakes, do I alwaysdo I do it right and conscience? Once I'm offended, maybe, and my parents can also be "to blame" responsibility for their mistakes in my upbringing on your mother and dad, and those on their own, and so before Adam inclusive? Is this transferring liability something changes in my life?
Since I forgive my imperfection, my misses, then, according to conscience, it would be necessary to reconcile with the imperfection of the parents.
Many conflicts are due to the fact that adult children and their parents do not agree on the opinions on how they, children should live. How significant for adult children should be the opinion of parents?
The commandment tells us about the worship, and not about unquestioned subordination. But in a situation where your opinions diverge, it seems to me that the issue of respect for parents comes to the fore. If they insist on their: "I do not advise you badly!", It is better to say politely, calmly, but firmly: "Thank you very much, I understood your point of view. But you brought me up with an independent person, let me think and take naught decision". The main thing is that you do not need to hide from the opinion of the parents, sharply turn them off, showing disregard for their life experience and will be able to help. And if we were still acted in our own way, it is better to put them about it in fame. Even if they are upset, it will be a smaller evil than the insult for the fact that they neglect.
It happens the reverse situation: the man has grown, but still excessively depends on the opinion of the parents, as a result, it is constantly trying to earn their approval ...
This suggests that man in b aboutsurely degree than necessary for an adult, feels like a child who needs the approval of the parent. It is necessary to deal with the reasons for such dependence and grow up. The reason may be the experiences of your own impotence, insecurity, rejection, the beliefs "bad" or "parents can not be upset", which stretch from childhood. And here, it is advisable to a person with someone, maybe with a psychologist, with a priest, reflecting: why is it difficult for me to insist on your communication with my parents? What happens in me when we argue? What can I lose if I do it in my own way? What qualities inside ourselves can I rely on, taking a difficult decision?
And how to react such a person when parents constantly compare it with those who have achieved more in life?
This is a very painful situation. Such comparisons undermine the child a sense of their uniqueness and confidence in parental love. It turns out that in the eyes of the closest people you are not very important, your achievements are important.
I think, in such a situation you need to internally put the "wall", to burn out of such comparisons and ratings. Translate focus of attention to yourself, ask yourself questions: "What do I want to do in my life? What goals do I put in front of me? What things are important for me, and which do not have? ". Adult man is guided here no one opinion, but by his conscience. And the conscience can say: "You are not he (she). You should not meet your life to justify the expectations of the parents. If you did everything that could in one or another situation, then you can listen to the estimates of other people. "
- The famous Formula "Everything Compare Compared" - does not work here?
If you compare - then compare yourself with yesterday's yourself.
In addition, a believer has its own system of comparison: he compares himself with the Savior, first of all, with that man that the Savior revealed himself, is an ideal person. So when an internal spiritual coordinate system appears, a person becomes free from the assessments of the social environment, social standards and stereotypes. He does not come off completely from them, does not try to deliberately disregard them, but it becomes free, "praise and slander acceptance indifferent ..."
This "wall", about which you say, means that there will be no full openness in the parent-child relationship? This is normal?
I think yes, normal. Absolute openness, such as in marital or friendship, it seems to me in relationships with parents can not be, because they have a certain inequality, hierarchy. Parents are those who gave us life, they always go along the life path in front of us. Whether we are at least seven spans in the forehead and with three diplomas about higher education, we still have children for them. On the other hand, there are aspects of parental relations, which even adult children know not useful. Therefore, there is another form of openness.
Adult
It happens, parents are irresponsible about their children, they are doing a little. How to overcome this abyss in a relationship when a person is already adult?
It depends rather from how the child has already fallen himself. On the one hand, he may have a resentment and the desire to feel a good attitude from parents to herself, and he will try to "earn" her, and on the other - he can get used to the fact that they have no attention and support, And start looking for this support from other people.
- And is it normal?
This situation is difficult to consider normal. But and "deserve" attention and love should not be - not need to be imposed. Most likely, it will not lead to anything good. But to make some steps towards parents - it's worth trying. Although it will certainly be quite painful: a person has an endless experience of a break of relationships, loss of love, disregarded by itself, and when adult life He makes steps towards parents, then psychologically pouring into this painful situation again. After all, if parents did not pay enough attention to the child in childhood, not the fact that they realized it. It is quite possible, they believe that since the son or daughter rose "no worse than others," that means they are not the worst parents and did everything right. And this is exactly the position that most of all wounds the "unlized" child, because he feels her wrong.
And to try to change something, you need to enlist the spiritual or psychological supportbecause building relationships is not a quick thing. And, most importantly, to clearly answer your questions: "Why do I need it? What do I expect? "In order not to be deceived by unreal expectations and do not deal with repeated disappointments.
- If he decides that he needs it - what's next? ..
Next step - Draw yourself in detail different variants expected result. "What am I waiting for - that mom will ask me for forgiveness, it is rude in his inattention, and we will be fine? Or will be quite friendly relations and no more? " You need to experience my heart, and with your adult reason, please treat your expectations quite critically. After all, I repeat, parents may not feel "the short-mindedness" of their child.
Next - to say myself as follows: "Despite everything, I will do everything that is possible, for the time that we have taken place for any relationship." It is necessary to be prepared for your efforts - conversations, maybe revelations, attempts to make relationships with parents more cordial - will not meet understanding. There may be even a reaction to the resentment, they say, you do not appreciate what we did for you. And you need to be ready to accept this, not disappointed, do not fall into the despondency.
Again, I need support. After all, it is hard. But the efforts of a person, firstly, can negotiate its injury, and secondly, it can become wiser and stronger. In any case, it will not remain in Vaklad.
Independence and hyperoppe
A common situation is an excessive guardian or any position at which an adult cannot fully grow up. Many psychologists insist that adult children should live separately from their parents. How true is it?
It depends largely on how children are ready for adulthood and how healthy parents think and agree that their child has grown. The question is not in where a person lives with whom. The question is whether parents have already grew up a child to build relationships at a higher level of independence, independence and responsibility. It is not so easy.
- Why? Isn't it natural?
Our parents often quite often - no matter how many years old have been perceived as children. And, in general, it is Polwy. But among the grew children, after all, there is also such a temptation: in some difficult life situations (or not very complicated) to become the position of the child. It turns out how to entertain, go somewhere - so we are adults, and how to iron shirts, wash things, clean up, to give part of money for keeping household - so we are children! This temptation is difficult to avoid when you live with your parents. Especially when a caring mother offers: "Come on, daughter (or son), let me prepare (buy, stroking, remove) - I'm not difficult for me!".
And it turns out that such independence is quite one-sided.
Therefore, it may be, in some cases, you can take a time, to live one, try, what it is - it will be helpful and to parents, and the most adult young man.
- And if there is no such possibility, how to make steps towards independence?
It is necessary to take responsibility more often: to show care, call, find out what you need to buy, do something around the house and so on. In general, to show activity and initiative. This, it seems to me, a fundamentally important point.
Syndrome of the empty nest
- The child is easier to adapt to independent life than parents - to the fact that he has grown?
Yes, I think that for parents is stronger than temptation to leave everything "as before." First, in many ways, modern parents often forget that the goal of parenting is paradoxical - to make sure that the child stops in us, has become mature, capable of creating his own family; So that we, parents, like some backups, ceased to be needed; So that our relationship moves to more high level - friendly; In the end, adult children will have taken care of their aged parents.
Secondly, parents are very difficult to drop away from their guarding role that they performed 20 years. Often it turns out that the only child who is invested in huge forces, time, heart - leaves, leaves, begins to live his life, and parents raises the question: "And who am I now? How to fill your life? " This gap of the grown child can become very painful for them. Therefore, they often want to be a backup, delay a person in his childhood. And this does not benefit anyone.
- Is it possible in this situation just honestly, openly talk to?
Can. And even need. But no need to expect that something fundamentally change from the conversation. The fact is that parents behave in one way or another because they do not understand something. The question in their ability to control myself, your life and its inner state. After all, you need to rebuild your life, find new goals. This is difficult.
- How to help parents in this?
As in any other situation, you need to start with yourself.
First, it is important here that our behavior in the eyes of our parents is serious, responsible. So that we see that we put certain goals, learn or work, overcome difficulties, so we help them reduce the alarm for us. Secondly, already growing children can help parents make wishes, interests, dreams that those have, help them find some lessons in the soul.
There is in psychology the concept of "empty nest syndrome": when children become adults, parents have the opportunity in a new way - not through the child - to look at each other and re-arrange their relationship. "Who are we now for each other? There were mom and dad. And now?" At this period there are quite a lot of divorces, because people lookedd off to communicate like friends, like loving people.
And our "adulcher" can manifest here just to help parents to see themselves to see themselves, to see the possibilities of life, and not only life, bustle. There are no general recommendations. But I say a little: "You have a bunch of time, go where you want" or "there is a social center, go there!" The problem may be that the parent does not want to go anywhere, he is so accustomed to live according to the "House, Work, House" scheme that the life horizon narrowed to a small corridor. It is important that we have and patience and mercy to our parents, it is important to approve yourself to make efforts so that these frameworks to push: look for, find out, go somewhere together.
Because we, the growing, enter into force, our parents are detraid in every sense. And our task is to substitute them shoulder so that they do not feel their helplessness and powerlessness.
Retirement
- A similar challenge - a retirement parents. How to soften this transition?
This is a completely new life stage. All changes! And often our parents do not cope first of all with a sense of selflessness. In the Soviet past, the idea of \u200b\u200bhuman utility was dominated: if you are useful for society, your life makes sense if not, you do not need. In my work, I often come across such an attitude towards my older people.
And you do not need to hide from these experiences! "Yes, stop, do not invent, you are not useless!" Or: "Imagine, I have long been dreaming for a long time, and now you can sleep as much as you like!" Even if it seems to us that the problems are contrived, it is necessary to decline to this subjective truth of our parents who have fallen out of their usual rhythm of life and suffer from it.
- What to do, how to behave?
First, it is very important to show attention and patience, and show: You are my dear mom and dad, you need, just because you are.
- And how to show it?
Attention! Just call more often, talk about your affairs, ask how they are doing, to give something, just like that, without reason. A mature person, as a rule, is what to tell - if we have a desire to listen. After all, this is also the story of our family, the story of our kind, and interest in this just shows that you need your relatives. It is important to break out once or twice a week from our everyday fuss, to stay with our loved ones, call, call.
And, secondly, again, you need to try together with your parents to find a new employment field for them. The most important thing is that the newly minted pensioner does not feel lonely before these life difficulties.
Young people are usually very busy with their own lives. In addition to the commandment, where would you advise to look for motivation to give more time to parents?
If you do not have enough motivation, realize that showing the attention, causing a parent, you will return the debt: Mom and Dad have once changed your diapers, you didn't sleep at night, treated you, endured and illness, and the rest. Now you just changed roles. And the older mom and dad, the more of their immense, the more obviously.
Do you want in our old age you do not stay alone? Clean your parents! And for a believer person, it seems to me that it should be joy - the ability to serve, help, support. And you can talk about it out out loud: "Mother-daddy, you are not a burden, I need you! I am joying that I can help you, to take care, tell you something somewhere to go with you. " And it will be very nice for our parents, sometimes you are acutely susceptible to our giggling or uninteresting children.
A man should know: it is impossible to humiliate and insult his wife - calling her with rude words. Rough words - will be remembered, they will lie - wound on the heart and cast out from there - love. A man has no right to command, scream, offend, and by force, violence to subordinate - to his wife. A man must be carefully and with love to treat his wife so that his wife, from respect for a man, herself wanted to obey him. The old man of Paisius says that you can not even be able to subjugate the cat.
You can not - raise your hands on my wife and beat it. If a man raised his hand on a woman, he destroys his own hands - his happiness. Not a single normal man will never allow himself - rude and went to treat a woman, not to mention the way to offend her or humiliate and subordinate. And you need to remember the Russian folk proverb: "Forcibly MIL - you will not!" Therefore, such rude men hope that women will love them - for rudeness and violence - no, and no longer!
Many people are unhappy on Earth: either - lonely, or they have bad families, or in life - is not lucky. And everything is just because people - did not listen to their parents, dubbed them, swear with them, offended their parents, insulted and humiliated them, condemned them and therefore God did not give them happiness! As long as they do not repent and do not profess these - grave sins and do not fix - they will begin to be kindly and respectfully to their parents - God of happiness on Earth - will not give. The commandment of God says: honor - his father and her mother - so good will be on Earth, and Doltolen and Head, you will be in my life! This is God's law! Who violates him - he deprives himself - all the best in life!
Why are so many unhappy families? Families are unhappy mainly - because of selfishness, pride and indifference people to each other. It is necessary for a woman to remember that there are such things that she never should have been allowed to allow himself under any circumstances. It is impossible to command her husband. It is impossible to insult, humiliate her husband. Rough and evil words - destroy family relationships and kill - love! . It is impossible - to laugh at it, it is impossible - to put off the scope and discuss with others your family relationships. It is impossible to insult with her husband without him - his parents, relatives and loved ones. Because the wounds that are applied at the same time will never be delayed. Maybe living together will be further, but without love. Love just disappears. Try to treat your parents and to your family or your own husband or wives and help them if they need any help. When we are kindly - we treat them, we help them and care about them - then our husband or wife, seeing our good - attitude towards his parents to their relatives and loved ones - start us more - to love and respect. If we start - it is bad to treat your parents and close to your spouse, then we caress to him great pain and insult, which in time can destroy the family. Also try to relate well - to your spouse's friends. It is important that they were - Good peopleand the rest does not matter. And men - should not forget that a good wife is the first and most important thing - a friend and change his wife and their children to friends - stupid.
It is necessary - to remember that "raging, harmful, scandalous, non-adeciling wife - a fire and family in the house because of this - dies!" Family happiness - if only a husband is not a scoundrel, not Egoist-Samodor and not a bitter drunk - depends only from his wife! Sadly, if a normal husband, and in the family - no consent. In family life, the smart is not the one who can - certainly on his own, but the one who will be able to give up. In the trifles - inferior always, the little things do not cost because of them to argue or swear. Never respond to the word "no" - on the offer of the husband, even if you are categorically opposed, - say so: "And that the thought is not bad, but I am confused by that", and calmly state your objections. And then, listen to the arguments of your husband. It is possible that you will make sure that he is right. And if the truth is on your side, after listening to your calm arguments, he will agree with you and will respect more, for not inciting - a scandal. And the consent between you will become stronger. It is unreasonable and stupid that woman who is always unhappy - his husband, annoying and grossly shouting at him, ignores his opinion and does not listen, does everything in his own way, he grieves him, constantly quit, and saw her husband or children. There was still no case that the one whom the, whipping and sawing this way corrected its drawbacks. Usually the husband in this case begins to go away and go out of the house, the smaller in it will be, starts drinking, and it can even find - another woman who will be more attentive and kinder than his own wife. And it turns out that the woman herself is written and destroys the foundations of his family happiness. - "What we do not store - lose weight!" The greatest feat of married life is despite all, the family is preserved. It is most important. Even folk wisdom says: "Corrects - I'm wondering." That is, before you learn to love, you need to - learn the weighting of each other - tolerate and forgive each other - always and in everything. And so, to fulfill the law of Christ. You need to learn - it is good to endure, humble, you need to learn - to keep the world. This is what is the basis of family being. If this is not, then, of course, the family is saved - it is difficult.
People, when they get married, after registration - must be - they will hang in the church - otherwise, when they die, and come to God - their souls will never meet in paradise and will be forever - they are separated from each other forever! To be married to Orthodox Christians - it is necessary, but in our times - it is impossible to hurry in this serious matter. It is categorically - it is impossible to do what many women want, through the mystery of the wedding - to bring her husband to themselves, the Lord's wedding is not accepting and does not bless it - there will be no happiness. Wedding in the church is not an insurance against divorce, and not "magic" - the means to tie is to stronger their spouse. Such a consumer attitude towards the mystery of the wedding is a sin to the wedding husband and wife should - love each other truly and good - to each other treat, they should be ready for the molding of the wedding sacrament. Both spouses should be believing, incerershed people, and not a ponaroshka, that is, they should live a spiritual life - to know a certain minimum prayer and constantly pray, they should with the desire - to go to Sunday and holiday services to church and understand all seriousness and importance of this. They should be able to confess their sins and observe posts, and most importantly, should strive - to abide by the commandments of God. Then such wedding marriages are not disintegrated, because the divorce is simply simply impossible, and therefore the spouses live - in the world, in love and consent to each other.
1. The husband must be the owner - in his family, but the owner is kind and generous, and the wife must be a good and obedient her husband. Husbands are indifferent - to the house and do not help - their wives only in two cases: a) either a husband - an egoist and a dishonest person and does not like - his wife. B) either the wife itself - proud, raining and harmful, strives to be - the main and all - to command. Usually such families - disintegrate
2. The secret of happiness in family life is good wisp of the spouses - to each other. Husband and wife should - constantly provide each other signs - the most tender attention and love. Need more often - please your home, give them - good mood. More often do something good and pleasant to your loved ones. Darite - small gifts and make pleasant and unexpected surprises, even just buy in the store what your spouses love - and treat, already a big deal!
3. Respect and confidence in each other. If there is no confidence in the family - it means that there is no love that people live in a family - every one of their lives, and this is loneliness together - the saddest thing that can happen in family relationships. All together it means that there is no love between people, or never happened.
4. Freedom in the family is one of the main and most important conditions for a happy family life. Each of the spouses should be - confident in the other, as in herself, knowing that he is always - will be correctly understand, never let down, will not betray and not throw - in trouble. It is impossible to subjugate its spouse by force or material dependence. It is impossible - impose and dictate to him - his will and his vision of life, his views on life, establish and demand fulfillment without voluntary consent of the spouse - some rules of behavior and life. It is impossible - to humiliate, break and trample a person - God does not bless such a family and happiness in it - there will be no. The Lord gave the commandment - "Love your neighbor - like myself"! That's all! Or we are good and with respect - we take our neighbors - and God blesses us and gives happiness for our obedience and the fulfillment of this great God's commandment! Either we are bad - treat your neighbor and therefore God punishes us and good in our life - no. Therefore, the first rule - respect your spouse or spouse, take it like that - what is it and rejoice and God Thank you that this person lives - with you there, and that in his heart the Lord - invested the love for you and therefore take care - this is great and precious feeling! Grind him and strengthen with your love, their gentle attention, consent and understanding, with respect - to your close and native person. Rudeness, indifference, egoism, reproaches, pickles, swearing, screams, irritability, not respect, humiliation, ordinar tone - like "I said!" - All this destroys and destroys the love of people - destroys families. The Lord for a bad attitude towards the neighbor - can deprive you of love and then you have nothing good in your life. What we have - do not store, lose weight - cry!
5. Common interests. Family is us. Family is one big integer - indivisible, and therefore in the family - each of the spouses cannot live with his separate life from another spouse. If in the family of the spouse - they began to live every life - such a family will soon disintegrated. This is one of the laws of family life. It is necessary - to discuss together - pressing problems. Important solutions - you need to take only together. If you ask the Council - then you respect, and it always has it, it serves to strengthen family relationships. Will be wondering - the affairs of your husband and your spouse, ask them about work, learn about their plans and doubts to advise something, to help something. Select together outside the apartment - to visit, in a cafe, in the museum, theater, for walks in some park! We get together more often, it brings closer. Try - more communicate. Despite the large employment outside the house and on numerous homework, find - time for family communication. A huge number of married couples were broken only because the spouses almost no longer communicate with each other.
6. Money. The family budget should be common. No - yours, only one wallet. No one should - to hide or hide any money from another spouse or income, the spouses should always know - how many of them earn. No secret bills in the bank. Otherwise, there will be no confidence, and there will be no confidence - love and love. Spouses must together - decide which purchases and things they will be acquired and what they will spend money. In cash, there must be complete confidence - otherwise any of the wrong or concealment of cash income - can destroy the confidence of the spouses to each other, and this is the beginning - the decay of the family. Someone from the spouses earns - more, and the other - less or does not work at all - this does not mean anything. Everything happens. God forbes you, apart - a small salary of your spouse - the best way to ruin - the family you will not find! How to live with a stingy man? God happiness to such people - does not give. Also, it often happens that in the family - someone is better not focused on, and the other is worse - it doesn't matter either. On the contrary, a more depleted spouse must, rejoice that he has the opportunity to help his spouse and his close and relatives, and his kindness, with his detention and care and care to bind their hearts to themselves. Women often consider dependence on the man - as a manifestation - personal weakness. Rely on close man - This is a good sign - a normal family relationship. This is a sign - friendly family and close relationships.
Leave each other - free space. Each of us can be - their own interests, their friends, time for themselves, but it should not be secret to your spouse - did not think that you have something to hide. Respect - freedom, rights and hobbies of a person close to you. Never climb - not in your bag and pockets, do not get into the boxes of a written table, do not read - other people's letters and notes, do not check - not your mobile phone and notebooks, Do not go - on the personal pages of the spouse on the Internet - you are not gendarme and not a prosecutor and your spouse is not a criminal. The family should not be - no secrets and secrets from each other. If in the family between spouses - there are no close, trusting relationships - this means that between husband and wife - there is no confidence, consent and mutual understanding, and therefore - no love, therefore - no family!
Why many people who quarrel - can not make each other? Can not - forgive each other? Yes, because the person who is to blame - does not want to admit - his guilt, his own - wrong! The recognition of your mistakes is the most important and most important in the relationship of people, especially this is important - in family relations of spouses. If people - recognize their mistakes, admit that they are not right, and ask for forgiveness - then appears - confidence between people and only then possible - dialogue, reconciliation and achievement - the consent between them. Only then start - developing further relationships between people. If people do not recognize their mistakes and their wrongs, they do not want to be corrected, then the wall appears - misunderstandings and resentment between people, disappears - trust, family relationships enter the dead end and begin to collapse. Then people - cannot and are not able to negotiate and reconcile at the present with each other.
Remember one very wise rule: if you quarreled in the afternoon - you have to come to the evening - to reconcile! If you quarreled at night - you have to recall before morning! Implementation of this law - will save your relationship and your family! Do not do - called. Try - not to do another pain. Never put forward any ultimatum - each other. Do not order, do not command, do not speak - with ordinary, not tolerance of the tone. Do not shout on each other, do not even raise the voice. Never criticize each other, try to refrain from reproaches and complaints about each other - all this kind of aggression, which will definitely configure you - your spouse, and usually lead to quarrels. Do not mock - each other. Rugan, resentment and quarrels, criticism, any claims - kill love, destroy - family relationships and family! And if a quarrel happened, then do not humiliate and do not insult another person, do not call him - offensive words and try to stop - a quarrel and kindly to reconcile, try to reassure another person. Therefore, always try first - approach and put up. It is important.
One of the main reasons for the poor family life of spouses, as well as the loneliness of people is - the inability and unwillingness of people well - to relate to people, women - to men, and men - to women. Many women are poorly believed to men - they consider them bad, unreliable people, drunkards, loans, women, women. But not all men are drunkards and womanists - a lot of normal men and condemn everyone in a row - a great sin! Therefore, all such women and there are no family happiness, because they do not respect - other people and men, they consider them worse - themselves and fool about people - think! There will be no happiness and their daughters. It will not be as long as - they do not fool in this sin and - they will not be corrected and will not learn - to respect men. Yes, and to all people need to be well to treat well - otherwise there will be no good in life. A man - the image of God, not respecting men - a woman - insults God! Because, the Lord is happiness with such women - does not give!
Need to take care of love in the family! Need to take care - feelings for each other! Need to take your family! It is necessary to fight for your love and if you need to protect it from all who wants to destroy your family - even if they are close and relatives of you! It must be understood that God gives love and happiness - only once! And if a person knows that he loves him and still crosses his beloved man, he does not value - His feelings, insults and humiliates his person who loving his man, he does unfairly - he kills him - in this man love for himself And destroys your family! Such a person should know that God will never give him more happiness! After all, he was given once, and he was not a savings! But if a person is repent and change - it will become good manIf the Lord he believes - then God can forgive him and can give him - happiness again. This sometimes happens.
It is very dangerous to deny a man - in attention and sex - without valid reason, for example, the disease. And it is impossible to deceive at all - the deception will open sooner or later and then - divorce. A man will not suffer and will not forgive. Often, the spouse is offended by her husband, or wishing something to achieve - refuses him in proximity, in sex. This is not only big - nonsense, but this is a provocation a husband - on treason, and this is a direct destruction of the family! Well, if you are offended and denied your husband in sex, two - show your whim or put an ultimatum with her husband, three - you have denied that we supposedly have no mood or head hurts, and for the fourth time, your husband is either head of his mistress - and This sin - falls at you. Or it will go completely and find yourself - another woman he will - is always needed. By doing so, once at once - refusing to her husband in sex - you yourself repel your husband - from myself and in the end he will lose all interest to you. And then, it will be late to cry - you will be not needed, and if you do not need him - like a woman, then as a wife - especially. Everything can assume that your family you have no more. A man when he refuses him in proximity - perceives it as the hardest personal - offense and an insult that you can never forgive you. Sex of course it is not important, he only helps people to be truly close to each other. But for a man - an understanding that he is always needed and close to his wife - it is very important, and if a woman refuses him in sex, in proximity - he regards it as - the rejection of himself, it is humiliating for him, and most importantly, he is accurate It begins to know that his woman does not like him. Here is one of the main reasons when husbands will throw their wives. And very important! Husband - Teach your wives - chastity. Do not allow any sinful perversions in sex - you do not need to corrupt a loved one and yourself. If, there are such sinful desires or were attempts - confess these sins and be clean. Where the perverted lustful passion lives - love is outgoing. And love will go - lose your loved one and family. Keep - clean relationships, this is the key to family happiness.
Parents - try to explain to your children so that they bother their purity - chastity and before the wedding - did not enter into sexual connections. It is very and very important! Otherwise, they do not have happiness in life. God will not give! Your children should not look any - pornography and erotica. Pornography and erotica - deprives a man of shame and corrupts the soul. And a man who lost shame - leaves the Lord and does not store. Girls - should take care of their maiden honor - Men are very much appreciated and therefore all such clean, girls are always easy - married and God - gives them happiness, strong families and healthy children. It is also important that parents do not allow the prodigal cohabitation of your children in civil marriage. If people are loved - they honestly - they register their marriage and live together - only in a legitimate family. And the Lord blesses - only such families. Because of the prodigate cohabitation, God does not give - family happiness to your children, and if there is no family happiness - then the fate of people are rushing. In prodigate cohabitants - are usually born - patients and defective children with bad genes, as a rule, in such children - there is nothing good in life, and their parents are blamed - because they lived in a civil marriage. Hegumen George (Shestun)
Quarrels and Rugan always end badly, even if people, as if calmed down and reconciled, but in fact it is not so, in the soul of each person it remains and gradually accumulates - bitter dispensing and emptiness. Unresolved problems and resentment of a person, if he is heard, do not want to - understand, and they are not considered to spoil it sooner or later - the relationship between people, and in family life can lead to the destruction of the family, to the divorce! Our insults, dislike, discontent and unkind feelings for another person, if we do not forgive and do not understand the good - they have the ability to accumulate in the shower. If we - do not reveal with each other in good, if we do not strive - to understand another person, to give up - he, if we don't want to - agree with Him, we do not want to reckon with His opinion - then the resentment - they will dig in the souls of people and early or Late - destroy families. Therefore, if we are good - do not forgive each other, do not understand each other, then in the end all our insults and claims to each other - accumulate to a dangerous level, after which - reconciliation between spouses is already impossible. Love and good feelings are completely - disappearing, giving way to fierce and malice - families usually in this case - disintegrate. In addition to the full reconciliation between the spouses, so that the resentment does not move, and together with the insults and the subconscious aggression in the souls of the spouses - it is necessary to repent in sins and resentment, so that the Lord himself has removed from our souls all the insults, all the aggression and discontent, and even Self - the memory of our resentment and complaints to each other. When there is a lot of mutual offensive, discontent and complaints to each other - then the quarrels begin to flash - because of each trifling, which in the end turns the family life of spouses - in continuous battle and good will not end. Therefore, in order for the spouses to calm down and the long-awaited peace and consent occurred, it is necessary to go to the confession to church and everything is carefully confessing and coming. After that, the house always comes - a big world and consent and people live calmly and are even surprised - as they are so much and often swore among themselves. Detailed confession in our quarrels, resentment and complaints to each other, - completely restores - good family relationships. That is, when we honestly, without hiding and without justifying yourself - we confess the priest why - do not take each other badly, I annoy, shout, swear, grind, reproach and offend each other, do not give up, do not forgive - completely erases out of our shower All the anger, all discontent, all irritability, all the insults and claims to each other, and our souls are filled with peace, love, and people start - good and kindly to treat each other and live peacefully. The house restores - peace and consent, everything becomes good. Now you yourself understand how important it is sincere and detailed repentance in our sins. That is why the sacrament of repentance and the sacrament of the communion of saints secrets - is the best - a medicine for the human soul and Best tool - To establish family life and good marital relations.
Danger - jealousy, jealousy is usually ordinary selfishness of spouses. Many are jealous due to the fact that a loved one is considered to be their personal property - a thing. If the jealousy of a person is based - not on love, but in pure egoism, on the feeling of the owner, on the calculation - then such jealousy is incorpracting and very dangerous. Then with such a person it is better - to part, and it is dangerous to live with jealous. It is impossible to confuse and take love - for selfish jealousy - these are absolutely different things. Jealous who loves - complete indifferentness and stupidity, and one who does not like - just unaware! Such people - think only about themselves, so that only them - it was good and therefore, consider themselves right to put forward their claims and dubious suspicions to their loved ones, reproach, spoil - the life of scandals. They forget about the main thing that rudeness, reproaches and swearing - do not force a person - to love themselves, but it is possible to lose the last feelings and relationships - it is possible very easily. Normal person - Maybe a little jealous, but he is jealous - silently, not scandalith because he does not want to offend the jealousy of his beloved person. And this feeling is normal, it shows that man - the road is another person. Forcibly mil - you won't! If a person does not like you - then there will never be rude, reproes and scandals - you will not make you love! On the contrary, you are his bad behavior and wild jealousy - just ride from yourself!
Parable - why people quarrel.
Two families live in the neighborhood in one small town. Some spouses constantly - quarrel, Vinny - each other in all the troubles and finding out who of them is right, and others live peacefully and together, nor sorry, nor scandals. The lifting hostess is divided by the happiness of a neighbor. Enlighten. He says to her husband: - Go, see how they get it so that everything is smooth and quiet. He came to the neighboring house, plucked under the open window. Watches. Listened. And the hostess is just an order of magnitude in the house. Vaza dare wipes from dust. Suddenly the phone rang, the woman was distracted, and the Vaza put it on the edge of the table, so so what is about to fall. But here her husband needed something in the room. He hooked the vase, she fell and crashed. "Oh, what will happen now!", "Thinks neighbor. The wife approached, sighed with regret, and he says to her husband: - Sorry, dear. IT'S MY FAULT. So inaccurately Vaza - put. - What are you, honey? This is me - to blame. Hurried, and did not notice the vase. Anyway. I will give you - another vase for flowers, even more beautiful. ... Painfully the heart of the neighbor hurt, thought, understood the neighbor - why and his wife constantly swear. He came home upset. Wife to him: - What are you so long? Looked? - Yes, he said, looked! - Well, how are they? "They all are to blame, all each other are soothered, they regret." But here we are right. Neither you are not inferior to each other. Therefore, we swear with you constantly.
If the husband drinks, then the wife should know that this most Lord punishes his wife and only - his wife and therefore does not give - happiness in family life.
For - indifference to God.
For - perfect sins, mostly for pride, high self-esteem,
For - disrespect and disobedience - her husband,
For - constant discontent - with her husband and his life,
For the fact that much - wants for greed and egoism,
For - the spiritual notion and oblivion of God - for not humility.
Therefore, before - to blame the husband in the fact that he is a bad and drunkard, besides, is not better to do - own repentance and correction. After all, a drunken husband - God punished you, first of all, and therefore God is waiting for you - repentance, and most importantly - obedience and zealous life according to the laws of God. The whole trouble is that if many of the normal women who love and care about their family would be good husbands who would also like their wives would love their families and cared for them, as he says, old man Paisius: "Both spouses would fall asleep - in her little earthly family happiness." And so, would have lost - the kingdom of heaven. But, it happens that the husband really, an incorrigible drinker - from a drinking family - usually do not fix such people and get married for them - not to go out. If a man likes - drink and drinks - every day, not at all - not worrying, that he does not give him a loved one - why live with him? This is stupid. Spouses should - take care of faith in God, so that family happiness, life, care for children and the farm - would not relieve them to pray and go to church. So that they do not cool to God, otherwise it may be - trouble. God ceases to help people, if he sees that people are carried away - their home care and troubles, the construction of earthly well-being, stopped to pray, go to church, began to be indifferent, became ungrateful and selfish people. Then God - leaves such negligent people and removes their divine cover from them - which kept people - from troubles and misfortunes. Then people begin - difficult problems in life. Then do not cry. Many family quarrels often occur - only because her husband and wife are bad - pray or miss the morning and evening prayers, rarely go to church and do not roll in their sins - and because of this, God's office has not been to this family - Therefore, there were quarrels.
Grandmother advice - their granddaughter. Passing from the great-grandmother of Fedosi Yermolaevna my mom - on her wedding day:
1. - Never swear - with my husband under children. Respect will not be - neither you nor father. And if the children stop - respecting parents, they will stop and obey - then the trouble will be.
2. - Never command - husband, better do it so that he himself wanted what you need.
3. - Keep the world in the house. Learn - forgive and first to put up. Quarrels, resentment and rudeness - Family Rushat. The world in the family is more expensive.
4. - Never take a house - in Bad mood. Even more dirt is intelligent.
5. - Do not be afraid and not be lazy to learn. Well-educated, intelligent, educated wife is smart, educated children. And in smart children - usually - a great future and good families.
6. - Do not jealous - the jealousy of the family - ruins. If the husband loves you - it will not be changed, because I keep - love and respect for yourself a spouse - then the husband will not go to the side.
7. - Prepare food is always - tasty and beautiful, people are not a cattle, so that there is a mess.
8. - The main thing in the family is respect for each other. Will be respect - there will be love. And respected people - only for kindness, honesty, responsibility and decency - because everyone should strive to be good people and treat people - with respect. Repost! Copy and place - on your pages and blogs and friends. It is necessary that everyone needs about it. There will be more - good families and good children! So - there will be more good people!
Excerpts from the book - how to find a strong faith in God.
Hello! Save the Lord of the Creators of the Site and Batyushki, who are responsible for questions, for a useful and interesting site, where you can also get an answer to the question of interest! Help, please advice! Thank you in advance for your response. I am in despair, I now sit and cry (this is not beautiful words...) the problem is as follows. I have a heavy situation in my family. I'm not married. I live in nurse. I visit the temple, try to confess, commitory. We can very quarrel with my mother, and if they don't even quarrel, then no question can not find mutual understanding. Sometimes it turns out that because of the quarrels with my mother, I'm sick with dad (the episode happened at no further as last night). I realize my sin and I repent of it, especially. I am in the church for a long time. To the communion allow me. I used to rode and communioned in all four posts. Because of the quarrels who harness me from the inside, in lately Especially strong, I began to go to the confession after each quarrel, seeing, of course, in other sins. It turned out very often. Of course, I did not often come up so often. But it became only worse. Once we quarreled for a real day. I remembered the words of St. John Kronstadt, that after the communion in condemnation it becomes only worse. Did I come to condemnation? But I did not hide sin, did not justify, I did not have Lucavil, honestly rushed. For me, this is the greatest thought. Help the Council how to improve relationship with mom. We live together, work together. I want to see one way out - change job. In today's conditions, it is difficult, everywhere reduced. To live separately, removing the apartment, I can not - the incomes are small. Now today - again a quarrel. Because of the trifle, it seems ... Mom has a quick character, I have a slow, she hurts me all the time when we go to work, because of this, I forget important documents (for example, today - direction on the ultrasound). I pray for my mother - at home and in the temple. Mom in the temple does not walk, pray at home. I feel herself with vile creature, sinning a serious sin, glaring God about ignition, I try to correct, but it is very bad for me. And I have a lot of bodily infirmity, I am very irritable, but I do not justify myself. I can't so more ... It seems to me that these quarrels are eternal ... Julia.
Replies Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko:
Hello Julia!
The word "repentance" according to Greek literally means "change in consciousness". This is a daily, hourly and even every minute work. Confession is only part of repentance, it is definitely
It is necessary, but to be limited to the confession without any further work to a change in the situation is impossible. Try "warn" quarrels with mom. For example, in the morning I woke up - pray for mom, and the Lord love you on this day, patience in relation to mommy. Mom stresses you in slowness - right away: Mommy, sorry, please. And all, except for "sorry", do not answer anything - then there will be no quarrel, because you can not quarrel with those who do not want this. And try to find how to prevent such a situation next time. For example, fold everything required documents In the evening, prepare and clothing for the next day, then in the morning all charges will occupy much less time, and you will not forget anything, and mommy will not be annoyed. Then you may not have to change. About how it is better to build relationships with mom is best personally advised to consult a priest who takes your confession.
Help you Lord!
Sincerely, Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko.
Number of records: 81
Battyushka, bless! I have such a problem. I am 23 years old, I live with my parents, because I don't even want to hear about anyone moving. If some quarrel arises, or mom reads me for something, she definitely asks God to send me something bad ... Today, for example, I wished me, more precisely, again, I asked the Lord to give me bad husband (knowing that I have problems in this regard, the third one dozen on the nose, and I have no one on the acceptance) ... two years ago I was cursed by my mother, she, of course, confessed later, and I, too, But from that moment on, I do not overdo it ... And with each thing I am moving away from my mother more and more ... Although, when we do not swear, we have a good relationship... Can you please tell me what to do?
Nika
Of course, it is bitterly when the native mother comes so with the child, but the recipe here is one, and he was given back in the Gospel: "Bless the cursing you and pray for those who are offended by you" (LK.6.28). If you save the most complacent, then no curses will harm you.
deacon Ilya Cokin
Dear father, my mother-in-law attended many years ago, her youngest daughter hurt himself, and she wanted to help her somehow. And they were baptized subsequently to cure. But she did not go to church, he said that he could not be there, it became bad. And, apparently, it continues to apply knowledge gained in practice courses. After communicating with her, my husband and I quarrel and swear, I'm afraid to invite her to visit - after her visits, I feel bad, I have no strength - neither physical, neither spiritual ... In recent months, almost every weekend husband comes to parents - then help Pope at the cottage, then talk and maintain mother-in-law and sister. I do not mind - parents need to read and help them. But the husband returns from them always depressed and evil - can break on me or on my mom, he can roughly talk, condemn and teach ... His nerves are literally stretched as a string ... I always carefully think about every word to not offend him and his parents - Not even the tone of the voice he regards as an insult ... My husband and I live more than 10 years old, we were married a year ago, we tried to go to the temple, confess and commitory, unfortunately, it is not always possible to do it regularly. How should I be how to behave with mother-in-law? She can not accept anything that he pays more attention to me. She even said somehow that he lost his son ... And for him, parents mean a lot, he rushes to them and rebair all our plans. I fear the magical influence that she has on us with her husband, subordinates His will of his will. Constantly pour the Lord about us. What else can I do? Help, please advice - how can I behave and what can be done in my situation? Thank you, but the Lord keeps you.
Elena
Hello, Elena. And you pray for my mother-in-law. She, as you said, baptized. Let both formally. Support forties for it in different monasteries. And pray yourself. It is necessary to pray for everyone, but about those who tempt, voluntarily or unwittingly, it is necessary to pray for a purely, that is, intensively. Help you God.
ieria Alexander Beloslud
Hello. I would like to ask you for advice. My father is an old atheist. It often began to worry the topic, where did humanity come from. When we talk about this topic, he asks my opinion, and I as a believer I tell him not what would be my opinion, and truth . How do I behave in such situations? I don't want it to think so, the Lord can not forgive him such words, and he will not inherit him.
Anna
Hello Anna. It is best to refrain from these discussions. Equal from a direct response. In any case, as long as you can argue your point of view.
ieria Alexander Beloslud
Hello! I have a very big trouble! When I was 16 years old, I lived for some time during the monastery, and I gave vow of celibacy. Six months ago I fell in love with one man. He is very caring, loves me, cares, began relationships to create a family. And I can't, because I gave vow ... But I want a family with him. What should I do, tell me, please! My mother really believes, it is afraid of losing me. If I tell her that I meet with a man, then she will surely against and will not give the blessing to our Union. How should we be if we really love each other and want to be together, create a family?
Elena Onotol
Lena, I hope that the vow of celibacy you have given yourself, in nerazumy. Then everything is simple enough: you go to confession to the confessor and ask for forgiveness for the error. Perhaps the priest will prescribe a small pen. But if you are "Streigley" in the monastery or declined to the monastic promise, then you must already contact the diocesan management with this question (but first it is still to confession to the temple). In the diocese should draw conclusions and take a humane decision. After that you will talk to my mother. The main thing is that you are not mistaken with your chosen one.
archpriest Maxim Hiji.
Hello. How to deal with despondency? What to read prayers and how do they need to read so that God of prayers heard? It is very bad on the soul, bad thoughts in the head climb, and with health not all is well, yourself and family sorry, from this, probably, and despondency. I really want my family to be an Orthodox and believer. My mother with dad, the brothers and I would have the Guardians angels, it was possible to put candles for health, pray to the saint for us and for the dead. And then the Lord would definitely heard my prayers. And what to do us and those who live without God? This covers despair for the future, and what will happen to us after death? I write to you because I do not know who to turn with such questions.
Marina
Marina, you need to look for the roots of despondency, its reasons. Here you need to consult with the priest, it will help. Perhaps not even one conversation, but it will be needed to understand yourself and understand the true causes. But in general, whatever these reasons are, everything can be called in one word - sin, it's just his some kind of varieties. Therefore, repentance and confession is a very effective means of despondency.
igumen Nikon (Golovko)
Hello! Tell me, please, as, conscious of yourself, the sinner, do not fall into the despondency and despair? And how in general, in general, lead the righteous life? Attend the church, in which I usually go, I can not, as you can turn me there only dad. And parents are unchurvented people. Of course, they are already slowly arguing with my desires in the field of religion, but if I tell the dad, so that he in the church he, then (I'm sure) it will be considered a religious fanatic and anywhere else will be lucky. They recently come up with prayers, candles in front of icons and, if I do that, I'm afraid, nothing will be more. So I try to go to the church at least once a month. Answer, please, at my questions. Thanks in advance!
Anastasia
Anastasia, to be in the temple once a month is also good, it is glory to God! You see, we now have more and more people in the temple once a week and more often, but sincerity of prayer and reverence to the shrine due to their scattering are losing. So it is better to be once a month, but to pray from the whole of the soul than that way as I outlined. Try to compete if possible every time, it will very much will reinforce you spiritually. But in despair from awareness of himself a sinner, a person falls from a lack of religious experience. Do not worry, with time, the experience of communicating with God in the prayer and the sacraments of the church will teach you that, despite our perfect worthlessness and sinfulness, we do not lose hope for salvation, because experience tells us how much the Lord is good.
igumen Nikon (Golovko)
My father, my father hates the church, prohibits me and go. Often because of poverty broadcasts me a terrible future - fights, annoying. It scares me greatly, does he have power over my destiny? Mom also agrees with him. I try to please in every way, but in vain. The region where I live is very poor, I am not alone. I believe in God and love.
Keseva Nina
No, Nina, no influence of the word of your father on your future does not have, do not worry. Do not leave the church, love God - rich, maybe you will not, but without bread, the Lord will not leave his chad.
igumen Nikon (Golovko)
Hello! I got into a very difficult situation (first of all - it is a betrayal of my bridegroom), my mother is constantly beating me (she has been drinking for 5 years), the father is not. I already went to the church, everything is meaningless. Help me. What should I do?
svetlana
Dear Svetlana, it is necessary to go to the temple not from occasion to occasion, but regularly, only then it benefits the soul. Create a groom can be survived, nevertheless it is not treasoning her husband. It is better to part now than to destroy the family and injure children. You can overcome it with God's help, just do not despair, pray hard and daily at home, at least once a week visit the temple and then your life will change. About the mother. You are an adult and do not have to live with your mother. Of course, this is a difficult question, and it is better to discuss him with the priest in the temple in a personal conversation. Based on all the circumstances of the case, he will be able to give you the right advice, as you should do. God bless you!
archpriest Andrei Efanov
My dad died in my birthday, very sick, amputated to the leg, I wanted to live, very hard, he loved me very much, although I did not advertise it, I always scolded everyone, angry. I really miss him, I want to hear his indignation and discontent. I pray for him, but I really want to communicate with him.
Inna
Inna, here is the blind and selfish human love! Would you like the suffering of your father to laugh for you? Does the daughter have the right to this? You better pray for his rest, about the rest in the kingdom of heaven!
igumen Nikon (Golovko)
Batyushi sorry for perseverance. What if it is not possible not to communicate with your father? The child is small, I can't go to work, because Do not leaving your daughter. Father meets with the harmnitsa, after communication with the father, the demons are tormented at night. He is not cordial, categorically against baptism, maybe I confess his sins, since we are so closely communicating?
Elena
No, Elena, each in response for his sins. Apparently in your own sins, come up, pray, sprinkle the dwelling with holy water and still - pray at home for my father, so that the Lord instructs and entered Him.
deacon Ilya Cokin
Batyushka, I have very difficult relationships with my parents. Yesterday I called and they said that my wife died grandmother (Maria). They did not suggest their help (I mean, not material) and did not even call my wife's condolences. There are a lot of such examples. I understand that it is not right, but only they probably have to treat me better?
Maxim
Maxim, parents do not choose. The fifth commandment of God prescribes us to honor the Father and Mother, who promising the blessing and longevity on Earth. "Respect and love that we undertake to render them should be expressed in good the location, to humility, in respect of words, and the like" - teaches SVT. Peter (grave). Try to silently pray for our parents, then your relationship will become others. Help you Lord!
ieria Vladimir Shllykov
Batyushka, sorry for the question. The child's father left us when the son was 4 years old. Before the performance of 18 years, he did not communicate with her son, did not help. I do not blame him. All to me for sins. When he appeared, the son was very happy, but the father is very unfavorable, addict and a gambling player, he tried to live with us again, but then again left for difficulties. The son lost his job, threw the institute and still not recovered from the stress of the father's loss. When his father wrote to him or called, his son became morally and physically bad. Do I have the right to ban the Son to communicate with my father, he is better without him, the son of 23 years old. I am afraid that I will teach him wrong, the commandment "read the father and mother" is disturbed. Although he agrees that it is better for him.
Evdokia
Evdokia, you can't forbid my son - he is an adult and everything decides himself. You can only advise, but see what your advice will not be asked to ask him. Father read - it means not to silence him and pray for him.
archpriest Maxim Hiji.
Hello, dear fathers. I read a lot of answers and questions similar to mine, I would like to ask on the top theme on this site, and in life. I am alone, it does not work in any way to create a family. 5 years ago she met a guy, we met half a year with him, then they broke up, we had nothing. Since then, I love it. They broke up by mutual nonsense, I know that he did not love me and does not love, otherwise it would have been announced. He was very offended by his attitude after parting, made the appearance as if we were not familiar with him. Although I am not from those who hang on the neck. But all the same, with its such attitude to me, I can't forget my heart, and I always remember him. I also want to tell that I have hatred for my own father, I can do nothing with me. I ask God for this for forgiveness constantly. I can not go to the confession, I feel, time did not come, although one time I even became hard to prepare. Sometimes such a despondency overtakes that, in fact, I understand, for which I am punished with loneliness, for the hatred for the father of the native. I have for this reason, I king myself for it. But over the years, the situation does not change. I ask God's husband. Pray. But, you know, I don't even want to go to the church. All familiar with condemnation look at me, it seems, some kind of not so, once a lonely. Tell me, the father, how to be with love for the former guy, for 4 years as I love, by the way, for some reason he also does not get along with the relationship, and I did not fit me. I met him the most, I wanted to marry so for him, I was ready to love, respect and be a real wife for my husband, my whole character would be ready to get ready. And how to be if the hatch does not pass? I do not know where the output is so hard on the soul. All like everyone else, and I'm not a family. Thanks to all the tickets for the answers. Give God to everyone find here the answer to your question.
Olya, you are still a young girl. Now the situation is such that families are created by more adults. The marriage age increases. Do not despair so much. I think that you greatly exaggerate the attention of those around you. This is a constancy. Try not to pay attention to it. Become a self-sufficient person, and life change. Pray. Pray for the Father. Even if the heart lives offense at him. Prayer for "offending us" - our excuse.
archpriest Maxim Hiji.
Hello. My parents have been active Adepta New Age sects for two years. I am an Orthodox Christian. Mom asked me to do work on a computer for missionary activity of their movement. I neatly refused and apologized. Parents were offended at me, reproached. I have a few questions. I think I did right, but what to do with their offend? And my husband and I want a child, do you need to protect them from communicating with your grandmother, because she will preach their views? Mom explains life situations From the point of view of his teaching. It's hard for me to listen to it, but I do not want to offend a person. I try to listen silently. So it is necessary so that there was no offense? I am often often accused of incompatibility regarding their teachings. How do you communicate with them?
Elena
Elena, you did absolutely correctly, and your parents, when they understand what kind of darkness and delusion - the Teaching "New Age", will only thank you and admire your tacty. The child, of course, should be fencing from all kinds of ideological garbage and raise in the normal atmosphere of Orthodox Christianity. As for the last of your question, it is necessary to clearly and once to designate your position: we are Orthodox, we should not teach our views and preach our views should not be tolerance, if it is understood as indifference to evil, indulgent attitude to Lies, the equal adoption of good and evil - is the most, perhaps, evil heresy and simply some detailed mental perversion.
igumen Nikon (Golovko)
Mom in Psychointernate, I will not know me, lives in his world, is 1000 km away. from me. When it happens, I will not go to the funeral, it is unbearable to me. It is better to remember her alive. It is a sin?
Nina
Nina, but she is your mother. Let her hardly hurt, but she raised you. How not to give the last duty to her?! It will be just black ingratitude. Your conscience will be restless. This is the duty of the most touching love - to hold a person, and even more so close, on the last path!
igumen Nikon (Golovko)
Batty! Help me to understand. My father stopped communicating with me during pregnancy due to the fact that I asked to register his grandson to him. Now the baby is already 1 month, and our grandfather does not call us, did not even congratulate me with the birth of a child nor my spouse. The heart is broken when, because of such domestic issues, grandson is deprived of her grandfather. How belongs to this and what to do? Thank you.
Alexandra
Hello, Alexandra! Try to reconcile with your father. If he does not accept your apologies, then leave everything as it is. Over time, maybe the situation will change.
ieria Vladimir Shllykov
Dear priest, tell me. This is what: I am 15 years old, and I have good parents, but I will talk with them very badly, you often quarrel, my father drinks. In general, I do not want to live with them, but you yourself understand that the helplessness in my age is saddened. I myself do not understand why I decided so, but this thought is firmly sits in my head. In the world, a lot of evil, technological progress does not make me happy, I want to live a simple life away from all this. Please help advice. I want to monastery.
Moiseev Jan.
Yang, if you have a desire to live in the monastery, then you must experience yourself, try to live there a month or more. Wake up, look, and there will be visible, the monastery life is suitable for you or you better look for your way into the world. In itself your desire is good, but you need to check yourself.
igumen Nikon (Golovko)
Igumen Nikona. Bless. My husband and I live with your parents, everything is fine. Of course, there are disagreements, I used to be very angry when they drank and convened guests, but now, by the grace of God, we live in different homes in the same yard, so easily. Of course, they help us very much, save their Lord. My husband has a sister, she is married to Uzbek, they have two children. It so happened that her husband is constantly drawn into all sorts of stories for parents. Then the relatives came to him (here we yourself are to blame, the parents such a feast rid that they did not leave us with poor, and now they think that we are rich, and our mildes are in general), then they went there 2 times went there for our score. The most interesting thing before he married, and did not think there to ride 10 years. Then he again drove away, got on the money, and they sissed and sister. He again poured, began to live with a woman, and she took her a huge amount of money, opened the store, almost a touch. And now, the sister returned to him, not knowing anything, her son gave birth to him, and here that woman took everything, threatening with violence and our family too. I have worked there when everything happened. By the grace of God, with them and parents opened their own business, they took money on credit and began to work, giving his debts for 2 years. Now he forgot everything, demanded them an apartment, repair. The apartment was taken under the mortgage on my husband, this is Mom (mother-in-law) everything decides, and, of course, all financial issues. And they ride in the summer again rest. My husband and I have never been anywhere, and so many debts, we have 3 children, and at least that. When I say something, immediately "cats of darkeys", they also work there by sellers, my husband supplies, I am an accountant, the mother-in-law distributes. Children are constantly sent to us. I say: hire the seller, so I need a revision there, they are lazy, and children with snot and temperature - to us, and I have your own more. Nothing understands, of course, and the mother-in-law allows them. I really want us to be financially independent, but the husband is silent. And so, the father, I became so unbearable, angry with children, and the worst, condemn. What do i do? Sorry for the verbose.
Hello Irina! If you do not have the ability to know if the products are taken illegally, then better believe your mother. In suspicion, there is also nothing good.
ieria Vladimir Shllykov
Hello, father! I live with my mother, the father-disabled and brother in the same apartment, not married, although I have already been pointing to me for 31 years old, my mother constantly point me how I live, what to do, want me to constantly work, brought money to the house, helped By household (but as they like) or, for example, we would find a husband with an apartment so that he helped them in construction work. And I have a very susceptible and non-permanent character, windy, I'm offended, I can not make solutions from under the stick, quickly "okay" and also quickly "cool down" in matters, I want to be free and live life as I feel As I consider it necessary. Mom is offended if I show some kind of will in the actions, affairs, but I'm an adult and I also have my own views on life! I do not like when I manipulate me, but I don't want to conflict either. Tell me, please, how do you need to do, so that you are close to my life and not to offend them?
